FIL dementia

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My FIL is now in a care home. He is delusional and quite nasty. We recently visited and he was vile to both of us but especially DH. Him being nasty to him isn't new, he's always tended to treat him badly.

Despite this, we feel we should visit and DH especially feels a sense of duty.

We left almost as soon as we had arrived. I stood up, after he made a nasty comment directed at DH, and said we're leaving we don't need this.

FIL is clearly unwell but my DH is still very upset. We're planning on going again but should we? How do we deal with this? Thanks.

Well it's an awful thing...I know from personal experience. You should not go in with your husband if you can't control yourself though.

"We don't need this" is unnecessary. Your FIL is ill. Even if he was nasty in life, if your husband chooses to visit his Dad, that's his choice and you need to support him by being neutral, supportive and non-judgemental.

Watching a parent disappear before your eyes is heart-wrenching and distressing.

Of course your husband should go if he feels the need. But you should consider waiting outside for him. Tell your husband to maybe play some of his Dad's favourite songs to him. It can really help....some people come back to their old selves for a while. Even if he doesn't, he will perhaps like the music.

Thanks for your reply. I feel very protective towards my DH, as he gets extremely upset. He's upset not because he's watching a parent disappear but because he's suffered years of verbal abuse from his father and it's continuing now but even worse.

FIL has no interest in music and never has but thanks for the suggestion.

My DH wouldn't visit without me, as he's scared of his father.

He won't visit without you but wants to visit? Then your role is to try make the visits as painless as possible I would think. Even if that is preparing with your husband before you go in that he is going to be horrible. Being mentally prepared for that can help.

Your situation isn’t unusual. If you don’t want to visit don’t. If your husband decides not to visit, then that’s also ok.
Your (Husband and yours) mental health is just as important as anyone else’s. Dementia doesn’t just destroy your fil health. It affects everyone surrounding him.
Take a few weeks off - you can always ring the home daily if you want an update. Some homes offer a system where by you can log in and see what your fil has done day to day.
You cannot help support your fil if either one of you are not in the right place mentally.
Give yourself a pat on the backs for trying. A lot of families never visit.
As to how to make the visits better - try visiting him in a communal lounge. - he might be inclined to restrain himself when in other company. Or visit when there is a group activity one, which you can participate in. Music as suggested is a good idea.
Yes your fil is ill, but the reality is nothing is going to magically make him better.
Have you tried attending some support groups? At least you will have a safe place to vent and gain some coping strategies.
Good luck.

Thanks @Bargebill19 that really helps. We are both struggling and I've cried a lot over this.

If the situation is driving you tears, then it’s time to stop and step away. Give yourself a break. Explain to the home that you need a break. You can arrange to phone them to get updates on his welfare.
So - stop, recuperate, plan another strategy for future visits and when you both feel it’s time - implement plan.
Care home staff will listen and understand and help support you and your father in law.
Just because you are not physically there, does NOT mean you are not supporting your fil.

Thanks for that, it’s clear you understand how difficult it is.

Yes to having a break, but if you do go back, I agree with talking it through before you go, talking over what's likely to happen and how to cope with it. Try to explain to your DH that, even with the history of nastiness, what is happening now is the illness. Agree a signal between you as to when he's had enough, then just get up and say breezily, we've got to go now, been nice seeing you, goodbye. However horrible it seems, try to regard FIL almost as a zoological specimen and observe his behaviour as if you were watching the behaviour of an exotic bird, don't regard it as an attempt at communication from a father to son.

If this is too difficult for your husband, I'd even consider going on your own, without him.

But the purpose of visiting is mainly to demonstrate to the home that you are watching over him, and as others say, there's more than one way of doing that.

Thanks for that @MereDintofPandiculation

I have suggested I go alone and I would but DH won't hear of it. We've been talking today and we both agree that the situation wouldn't be so bad if FIL had not had a history of being nasty, especially to my DH. I think his current behaviour is a three way split between what he's actually like originally, his situation and his illness with the last two things making him worse.

He started off on the same old tack, criticising my DH to me, as if he wasn't there. I've heard all this so many times and I've never sided with FIL despite his repeated attempts to get me to.

My DH is still upset and it was last Wednesday that we went. We didn't put him into a home, the NHS and a social worker decided that was best for his own safety. Despite this, he's certain we have put him there, that we have his house up for sale and that we have been to see a solicitor. He says he knows exactly what we've been up to! All this is part of his illness but it is really difficult to be shouted at for things we haven't done.

It's very hard. My DM has said some awful things since her diagnosis - about me and also she has a recurring rant about DF, from whom she's been divorced for over 20 years. These things are vaguely based on reality and who she used to be but dive off into delusion quite quickly.

I'd try to reassure your husband that a lot of this is the illness and that what his father is saying is not real or valid - cut off the temptation to think "if this what he says when inhibitions are down it must be true".

Despite this, he's certain we have put him there, that we have his house up for sale and that we have been to see a solicitor. Poor man! He's feeling out of control, he's been uprooted from his home, he's frightened (for good reason) that he may never see it again. So he's trying to make sense of it all and woven it into a story with you two as the villains (maybe easier for him to gt his head round than SS as villains).

I don't know what's the best way to handle this. Basically, he's trying to make sense of his situation and weave a story around it that makes sense to him. So if someone contradicts it, or even asks questions which demonstrate the holes in the story, then it reminds him that he doesn't understand what's going on, which is even scarier, and the next story will be even more elaborate.

Whether it's the right thing to do or not, I'd reassure him that his home isn't for sale, and is there to go back to when he's well enough. With my father, I remind him of how well he is physically now, and how we were unable to keep him that well when he was at home. And just let all the other stories wash over me, even though my logical brain is screaming at me to challenge the nonsense. But my DF is a lovely guy without malice, so I don't have to cope with criticisms of my DH. If I did, I think I would not counter the criticisms but would say "yes, but he's really good in that he ....". And make sure that DH knew what I was going to do and why. It takes a fair degree of detachment, and the ability to laugh at the ridiculousness of the allegations (thinking back now to a great aunt who was similar to your FIL).

There isn’t an easy way to handle accusations such as these. It’s basically listen, accept, and try to divert the fixation. All easily said but very hard to do. Reason and logic do not play a part - fear and loss do. They are very powerful emotions.
So perhaps visit at a different time of day, morning rather than afternoon, try to visit when something is happening that will take attention away from you - visiting musician etc. Take something with you to occupy his concentration - a favourite magazine, photos, board game.
I would love to say it gets easier - it does and it’s doesn’t. You get better at dealing with it, the nature of his illness changes, he may ‘accept’ the nature of his new home.
It’s not your fil, he’s being replaced by a disease. That sounds harsh, but might be they way in which you able to tolerate his words.
As horrid as it might seem - and I don’t mean it to be, but frequent visits at the moment might be ‘reinforcing’ his beliefs, because he remembers you from frequent visits. A break might be the ‘thing’ to allow him to forget this current obsession or focus his belief on a.n.other person such as a GP.
Please take some time away to recuperate, plan and visit some carers support groups.

We're going to take a break. DH is going to take a photo album next time, with photos from years ago. I suggested this as a distraction, I hope it works.

Thanks everyone for your input.