Moving Into Care Home

[AnneKipanki]

FIL is moving into care home next week. He has Alzheimers and vascular dementia and he does not recognise us any more .

Does anyone have any tips or advice on what to expect about visits , gifts , etc. ?

Visits: depends on care home. Ours has unlimited visiting but asks you to avoid meal times (which I'm hopeless at, but not a problem as Dad eats in his room). I visit him in his room, but some homes may insist visits are in the lounge. Other residents may be alarming (shouting and crying), try to screen them out, they're not your problem.

Your visits are mainly to let the home know that you're "on his case". You don't need to go and entertain him, just be around enough to keep a general eye on his welfare, and let them know he's a cherished family member, not an unwanted relative who has been dumped.

Get to recognise, and know the names, of as many staff as possible. Look out for opportunities to say "thank-you" - the staff in our home care about the residents and are very happy if you tell them your elder appreciated something they did - in our case, eg making him jam sandwiches for his tea.

Let staff know about the man he used to be. Photographs of him doing things as a younger man will help with this.

Give the home a written list of what they need to know to look after him - his food likes and dislikes, how he needs to be handled (eg let him stand up in his own time and not try to help him up), is he a an early or late riser by preference, does he like the bedclothes arranged in a certain way. They should incorporate this into his care plan.

Label everything with his name. And I mean everything.

No woollen clothes or anything needing special washing.

Things will go missing, so nothing too valuable, money wise or sentimentally. Scissors will probably be confiscated. Electrical goods (shaver, plug in radio) will probably need PA testing - I've learnt to simply put the new device into service in his room, and drop them an email to tell them they might want to PAT test (better than having it sat in the office for a week waiting for the handyman).

Everything will get juice spilled on it at some time. Laminate non-ephemeral pieces of paper.

You will probably shudder every time you go in, and think "I could not live like this". He will probably find it a lot more tolerable than you do.

Thank you very much for your reply.

My MIL is trying to label everything. His clothes are pretty simple these days .
Good idea about photos .

For labelling, if you have time I recommend ordering a stamp - it'll take a few days to arrive but then so quick to do and the one we have doesn't wash out (from Nametags4u).

Echo everything MereDint said plus hard though it may be I'd try not to manage everything - the staff and he will need to find their own way through things to an extent.

Take a hamper of goodies in for the staff who are working Xmas day. They’ll really appreciate it, and that kind of thing helps oil the wheels

We made a digital photo album of MiL’s life and loved ones for her room. One of the ones that constantly changes. It meant there was always something for visitors or staff to reference and chat about.

If you have paperwork in place such as power of attorney for welfare or do not attempt resuscitation forms make sure the care home have these on site with him and make it clear what his/yours and family's welfare wishes. Illness/falls/ decision making in the early hours do you want contacting then or in the morning etc. (There is not right or wrong answer to this)

If this paperwork is not in place all decisions are made with the best interest to your FIL, so for example falls in the middle of the night may result in a hospital visit. With dementia this can cause unnecessary upset/distress for some people. The GP is a good person to speak to about this in more detail as he will know your FIL med history and what will and will not benefit him.

Always remember with this sort of thing there are no right or wrong answers.

POA is in place but I am not sure about DNR.
I think the digital photo thing will just confuse my FIL , otherwise a great suggestion.
Thanks for the stamp idea . Unfortunately it is all quite short notice.
Thanks for your replies @MereDintofPandiculation ,@mrsmalcolmreynolds , @TheoneandObi , @undomesticgodde55 .

All the best OP.

My Nan didn't know us in the end, but she really did cherish the photo album we took, so may be worth a try?

I used to take my sons (who were about 7 at the time) and although she didn't know them, it cheered her up no end as she loved children.

The home also had a pet rabbit, which Nan seemed to enjoy, along with the entertainer.

My mother visited every single day and I went every week, this included Christmas Day.

Mom would always treat the staff with chocolates etc.

Thanks @HandsOffMyRights .
I think we will try a non digital photo album.

My dad's care home did all the labelling for us/him. Massive job otherwise (and I presume they had some sort of machine to speed it up) as they labelled absolutely everything, individual socks, hankies, the lot.

TheoneandObi What would you put in a Christmas day hamper? We want to give something at Christmas, but I'm so bad at this sort of thing!

I am not sure about DNR Home will want that in place, so will talk to resident if they feel he can understand, family otherwise.

it is all quite short notice. We, including DF himself, made the decision at about 2pm, at 4pm care home manager came out to assess him, and at 6.20pm we delivered him. That's short notice .

FIL is beyond making decisions.He will not understand .

It is good that the home will ask that question regarding DNR Mere .
MIL feels guilty but she needs an operation.
There are waiting lists here whether private or council .

MereDint I went to Lidl the last two years and bought two dozen half bottles of Prosecco, and a similar number of chocolate treats/boxes/biscuits from Tesco. I wanted to cover Boxing Day too. You can ask the manager roughly how many staff are on. It’s not much per person. But it’s a kind thought.
Also, when MiL died earlier this year we gave a ‘tip’ of £200 to the staff to put in the kitty for their staff do. They’d genuinely done an amazing job caring for MIL, who had multiple, complex needs.

MIL in a house me. We visit a few times a week but don't stay long. She doesn't recognise us most of the time.
Don't be surprised to see him in random clothes! Staff will tell you all about visiting times etc. We do her washing as the home charge £20 a week if they do it.

Fil went in 3 different nhs homes in Cheshire. He also had vascular dementia

What I would say is go at different times if the day, just to see what’s going on during daytime & evening
Ditto other patients there, some will be shouting out, some will probably come over to you talking other may ignore or stare at you.
Ditto basic clothes, like jog pants for incontenance all so larger tee shirts as there easy to put on especially if his spacious awareness as gone and he’s a bit stiff moving his arms.
Things go missing from bedroom, as other patients just walk about in & out of rooms.

Is your fil able to feed himself?
Only ask this as in the end fil couldn’t
We called once and he was at lunch, so we went to dining room. His food was still on his plate, cold
There was 2 assistants for 8 patients
If we hadn’t of gone at that time he may never of eaten. We warmed it in microwave
Also they would get drink & biscuit late afternoon, he eventually couldn’t put cup to mouth, so biscuit would be placed in his hand( he didn’t know what to do with it) drink on table!!

Also I would go at different times to see wether they are changing him regularly and he’s not left to just sit there. Can he walk still?

Fil was only in 2nd home 6 weeks
He had bandage on his foot, I asked
Pressure sore.
He was also taken to a&e with infection m, turns out ungradeable pressure sores!!

I’m not trying to frighten you, but there all nice and friendly at first
But be vigilant please

That’s a very sad read, Granadagirl. I’m glad to say we had a totally different experience. It seemed a miracle to me that in 4 years of decline (caused by a rare form of Parkinson’s), and much of that time bed bound, MiL had not a single pressure sore. The staff went above and beyond. But I know not everyone is as lucky

Sorry to read that @granadagirl . Thank you for sharing that .
When my own father was in hospital my mother went every day to make sure he was fed .
FIL can still eat and drink just now but I know that may change.

My mother’s home had open visiting. They tried to encourage you to take your relative either to their room or to the conservatory when visiting as some residents had no visitors and got distressed. My mother passed away in January of this year and was unable to drink or swallow anything liquidy without choking so everything had to be thickened. But the staff were very attentive and patient with her. She was unable to speak much in the last month or so but hearing our voices seemed to relax her so we read to her. Whoever was there last would put a book mark in the book and the next visitor would continue. When mum was admitted they gave me a 30 page information document asking all about her which I was happy to complete. It asked things like what did your relative do in the war eg were they evacuated and where to? What is their favourite film/singer. What do they like to talk about and is there anything that should be avoided. She was there for 2 years and I visited 10 before going with that one and I felt it was the right choice right up to the end.