Helping my Dad seeing my mother in care. Not coping.

[loughlinfox]

Hello everyone,

I would be delighted to have some feedback. My mother (80) is in a lovely care home. She has advanced dementia, and spends her time between a SCU ward at night (truly warm and homely with carers on duty and up 24/7), and the general day-room during the day. She can barely walk and is monosyllabic now.

When my step-dad goes to see her, he insists on bringing her to her bedroom off down the SCU ward with the door shut, to watch TV/listen to music etc. She sleeps most of the time when there (not good for her as she can't sleep at night), but will sing the odd song with him.

Lately, she has been getting aggressive with him verbally (made him cry last week) and is up and down out of her chair/bed over this 2-3 hour visits, soiling herself and asking to go to the loo every ten minutes, which clearly upsets him. He insists on bringing her to the loo and cleaning her up himself (he's 84). Tonight he went home and had to have 2 whiskies to calm down.

I've tried to persuade him to leave her in the lovely bright day-room and have his visit there (with tea etc) and to ask the carer to take her if she gets into a round of wanting to use the bathroom, but he won't listen.

I am seeing her as much as I can (I had a history of abuse with her, so it's tough), and see her two other afternoons, to try to stop him going every day. He's now backing off that and is seeing her 2-3 hours a day, 7 days a week. Help. I want to guard their relationship and his independence. The nurse won't intervene - I understand that.

All advice welcome.

Oh gosh, no real advice but my heart bleeds for them, and for you watching them (bittersweet though it may be for you).
It feels to me that he has not firstly understood what dementia is and what it will do, and secondly accepted that. I think nowadays relatives are advised to step into their loved one's world for a while rather than trying to bring them back, and to generally agree with whatever is said etc. But this needs the relative to understand the condition. Watching dementia take its course is very very difficult but he is has the advantage of care already in place. So many do not.
Is there not a family liaison officer at the care facility, or an elderly care social worker? Any local support groups for carers? Anyone who could befriend him and pass in their experience which might help him come to terms with her life as it is now?
Wishing you luck and, eventually, peace.

Thanks ChilliMayo, kind words.