Mum can’t keep up with personal hygiene

[Bellini12]

Mum has Alzheimer’s. diagnosed in 2015 and gradually getting worse. She lives with my dad but they don’t (or have ever) got on since I can remember. My dad does the bare minimum for her. He feeds her, brings her cups of tea, shops, tidies and does the washing. That’s about it.

The house is getting dirtier, mum wears the same, stained clothes every day, she now does no chores/housework whatsoever. She reads the daily paper and watches the birds.

When I visit, she doesn’t like me doing anything to help. I can fix lunch but that’s about it. The beds need stripping, the house needs a deep clean etc. But she doesn’t want any strangers in her house.

I’ve suggested Dad gets a cleaner but he thinks he can stay on top of it (he’s 80 - an active one at that). I want him to enjoy his twilight years. He doesn’t have any big love for my mum but he is doing the best he can.

They don’t talk to each other but she is mortified at the thought of going to any support groups/social functions. She hates games.

Now there is evidence that she is soiling herself. My dad has said he will not deal with this. She doesn’t bath any more. She wears the same clothes as she probably forgets what she wore the day before.

Please could someone point me in the direction of next steps. We are at a loss and knew this time would come but don’t know what to do. If she wasn’t so stubborn, I think it would be easier. She insists she is fine.

I think if I were you I’d forget about the housework issues and focus on what needs doing with the soiling issue. It may be that this will give you a bigger solution.

Having said that, I’m not sure what you do about it, hopefully someone else will.

Tough situation, I feel for you all.

You need to get her a carer OP and quickly. She'll get sores otherwise. Social Services help with this.

It doesn't matter what your Dad thinks of this. If he's not prepared to help her, you need to.

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/arranging-care/

A lot of elderly people insist they're fine but need help. Usually there'll be an assessment in the home...you can probably be present for that.

As you'll be the person who is contacting them, you should ask them to inform you as well as your Mum and Dad...a carer will come in daily to see that your Mum is ok and help wash her etc.

My parents resisted carers for a while but in the end relented and found them so much help. Do they get attendance allowance? Its not means tested but may 'make' your dad feel better about using that money for her needs?

HennyPenny - much better worded than mine!

She needs a visit from the community nurse. Can you ring up your local health centre and have a chat? They are adept at assessing living situations.

Thanks for the advice. I saw her today. She was wearing a different T shirt at least and was chatty and chirpy (obviously very repetitive).

I think the soiling has just started. I would imagine not getting to the loo in time. It’s not all the time, but my sister has seen evidence. She isn’t putting her clothes in the laundry basket (embarrassed or unaware?)

If you met her, you wouldn’t think she was incapacitated in any way (other than repetitive). But obviously it’s a slippery slope.

She doesn’t need help with physically bathing, she just needs to be reminded to bath. I’m not sure a carer is wholly needed at the mo. She would hate it. I meant REALLY hate it.

I am at a loss to benefits etc. I do feel at the moment we are perhaps in the interim stage where she doesn’t physically need help but it would be nice to have a home help with the housework etc

Thank you, I will look at those links and see if she needs a home visit (but I know she would just say everything was ok!).

My Mum has dementia OP....around the same stage as yours. She has a carer...she DOES need her. The carer is the one who chivvies her into the bathroom in the morning...Mum does that herself but it's a little bit like a tweenager who needs reminding and encouraging.

She might hate it at first but it's for her own good and she'll get used to it.

My Mum's carer AND a cleaner are paid for by benefits which she is now entitled to due to the dementia.

She can say everything is ok when she has a home visit but they're astute and will talk to you too.

Have you spoken to your father about incontinence pants? They look like knickers, but can be thrown out. I think it’s time. She may even get them provided by the NHS. (Not sure, I am in Australia. They’re insanely expensive here.)

Justi it doesn't sound like the Father is interested or will engage in that side of things.

I wouldn't bother about social things , support groups etc. At this stage she wouldn't get anything out of it and it could upset her to take her out of her familiar surroundings.

They certainly need a care package - contact AgeUK and find out about them. I thought my mother would hate people coming in, but when it happened she actually liked it. She had no idea who the people were , and thought they were just visiting. It was the best thing we could have done.

Sea those groups are proven to hold off the progression of the disease...and OP's Mother isn't THAT far gone at the moment. So there's always benefit but I DO agree that nobody should be made to attend these things.

My Mum did give it a try but decided not to go any more. She has plenty of visitors at home.

Hi OP. I could have written your post seven years ago. My Mom was doing all the things you describe. My Dad loved her and cared very much but was distracted by his own health issues (cancer). I lived a 4 hour trip away. It was very hard.

Mom was not bathing, had forgotten how to prepare meals, and wasn't taking her meds. My sibs and I tried everything to get them help, but they refused. Dad was stubborn, and Mom was still able to influence him. We got them a cleaner. That helped for a while but then Dad fired her as it was "disruptive." We organized a meal delivery service which helped for a bit but my Dad started obsessing about the freezer organization.

To be honest, I just had to start going there every other weekend or so. It was awful and stressful. Mom would let me shower her and set her hair after a long persuading session. Same as your Mom, soiled clothes and she was actually smelly. She got sneaky even and would tell me she had bathed the day before. I think dementia can cause a fear of water.

I organized her meds being delivered in blister packs, which helped a bit.

They were not safe. I talked to various helping agencies who all told me that they were adults and had a right to choose to be unsafe. We had to live with the precarious situation until my Dad got hospitalized for six weeks and they both moved into assisted living. They both died a few months later.

The best thing you can do is get as much support in the home as you can. Hopefully your parents will be more accepting of help. Dementia is really hard for the individual, who may well fight to keep autonomy. I think my Mom was embarrassed. My Dad was a very accomplished man who was loathe to show any weakness. I constantly heard the "we don't want strangers in the house" refrain. I get that, but it makes it all much harder.

Hang in there. It takes a consistent effort. My situation was in Canada and you may have more resources in the U.K. Sorry I don't have a magic solution. Hugs to you.

Hi

My mum has Alzheimer's and I've been in a similar situation.

First of all try joining the Alzheimer's society forum where you will find an ocean of information from people in your position

forum.alzheimers.org.uk/

Also they helpline was my lifeline many times as they can help mobilise local organisation in your aid and explain your next step

Next you will need to get in touch with your local authority and speak with their adult social care team to let them know about your mother. They will need to know at what stage she is at and they will conduct a meeting with her and your dad (you can be present too) to asses her needs.

Just a warning, she might go on hostess mode and deny all that is happening to her so either type out a letter to give them before the meeting with all that is going wrong (do NOT sugar coat anything) or ask to have a short chat afterwards just the two of you to explain the situation

If she's as bad as you describe they will more than likely agree she needs a career and provide one. They will also carry out a financial Assesment to see if she needs to contribute to the care

They will also arrange a mental health nurse to visit every 6 months or so (you can insist on more regular visits) to check how she's doing and whether she needs more help.

You will probably have to chase them up since a lot of councils are strapped for cash and will be prioritising visits and care.

Make a note of everyone's names and time of chat, this will add to the individuals accountability instead of passing you around. Keep all info you obtain organised, it will come in handy later.

Look into an LPA for health and finances. This will give you (or your dad) control over both things for your mother meaning you'll be able to make choices on her behalf as her mental health declines. This is incredibly important before she's too far gone to make this choice herself.
Doctors and her bank will be able to
Discuss all things mum legally with you, without it they won't. I can't stress how important this is!

In the meantime maybe buy some adult pull ups and buy a Kylie sheet for her bed to stop wet accidents at night.

If your dad can't cope it is so important to get in touch with social services ASAP and express how dire the situation is. Explain that it is their duty of care for this adult in need, wording is important in this game you're about to sadly discover. Good luck

I think dementia can cause a fear of water. and even if it isn't this, older less mobile people can feel the cold more. If you're standing under a shower, the bits sticking out of the spray can feel chilly, and there's that period when you're out of the shower but not yet completely dry. Bathrooms need to be very warm. Otherwise I can quite understand the desire to keep the body clothed.

Open the windows when you go round. Doesn't matter if it's cold, stops them stinking the place out (sorry) and makes a massive difference to how they, and their clothes smell.

Give DM new sheets for xmas and put them on. Give her new clothes. If you can, throw away the old ones or wash and bring them back without saying anything. This tried and tested technique works for a couple of years IME. Stealth is your friend.