Respite care - should I visit?

[RisingAboveIt]

I am feeling fragile this morning as Mum is going into a care home for the first time today to give my Dad a couple of weeks respite. He is struggling to cope with managing Mum's advancing Alzheimer's. She is up a lot at night with anxiety and is very confused about time and place. I know it will be a relief for him to have a break but wonder if I should visit Mum tomorrow or leave her for a couple of days to settle in? She is not going to understand why she is there on her own and will probably ask to come home (she asks to go home even when she is at home). Any experience of what the best thing to do is? She may not recognise me as her daughter but will know I am a member of the family (sometimes she thinks I am her SIL). There is also a possibility that the two weeks may become permanent as I am not sure if Dad can really cope with her coming home again... I am so sad that she is leaving her home of 40 years.

Sorry about your parents. It's such a hard decision but he needs a break and she will be able to get the care she needs. I wouldnt visit just yet. Let her settle in.

Actually I think I would visit fairly soon. Not so much for DM’s reassurance, but so that I could check whether there were any problems which I could sort out with better knowledge of her likes and dislikes. You could explain that (for example) the unintelligible thing she’s concerned about is her handbag, and that if she’s got that with her she’ll be calmer.

I wish all three of you a successful and peaceful couple of weeks.

Telephone the following day of her admittance, to inquire on how the first day / night went and take advice from them as they obviously know how best to deal with the first 24 hours or so .
Said in the nicest possible way, but sometimes we do what's best for us rather than them.

Thanks all - it has been a very stressful day. Mum did not want to stay at the care home and got really upset when Dad unpacked her things. He managed to calm her down but she was really angry with him. I am going to phone in the morning and see how she is....I worry that she will be up in the night and be frightened because she doesn’t know where she is. The home suggested we didn’t visit for a few days so we are going in for lunch with her on Friday but it seems really odd leaving her there with no one that she knows.

OP this is so tough for you all. Its best to leave her a bit to settle even though that feels horrible for you. She won't be aware once you've gone if you visited or not. I had a relative who had to move into a home and the reality was the visits were for our benefit as the relative gained very little from them. I know that sounds awful.
Wishing you all the best for a tough time

I would stay in touch with the staff and play it by ear. It is very hard when as you say they ask to go home - but would do that at home as they are in some distant home in their minds. I think if you do visit have some things to talk about or do like taking a high tea - sanwiches and a bit of cake or some photos to look at or just some flowers you know she likes or something - keep it short and sweet and remember she is not cognisant of the event as such in the same way you are so don't overlay your emotions and thoughts to her and imagine her more upset than she is - its very hard

Thanks for the messages - it really helps.

I am worried about how to leave her on the Friday - I expect that she will think we have come to take her home and will try to come home with us. I will take some photos of what the kids have been up to this week as she still seems to recognise them so that would be helpful to talk about.

That's so sad, I'm sorry. I hope she settles overnight and your dad gets a rest. It's so hard.

Re leaving I always go before lunch and then use the fact that lunch is being served to leave. Dad did used to think he was coming with me for lunch out somewhere.
I read on here years ago a suggestion that you say you're popping to the loo if you need to this will work if the memory has got so poor they won't then be looking for you. Or use the staff to help you. My dad actually settled very quickly and well even though he would be horrified to realise where he is. I think over the 6 months he has realised that it's a home for the elderly he
Just doesn't realise he's one of them!

Dad went in for respite but never came out and the relief is immense

Yes, I think that a suggestion that we need to pop out for some reason might work - though I expect she will look for Dad anyway.

@RisingAboveIt - did you go? How is she getting on?
I'm taking dad out to lunch for the first time this week for his birthday. I'm strangely nervous about it

Hi, it wasn't great the first time I visited as I found her sitting in reception area with her clothes all packed up waiting to go home...she packed her clothes every morning to go home and waits everyday for someone to pick her up. The staff have been lovely and gently tell her she is staying for a little while and someone puts her things back in her room. She was very tearful and kept asking where we had all gone and she wanted to go home which was awful, but after that first visit she was more settled and wanted to show us the garden and chatted about the lovely food there. She is back home again now and tells us she went on a holiday for the weekend with my Dad - though obviously he wasn't there with her. It did give my Dad a good couple of weeks rest which he really needed. She will go back there again at some point to give my Dad another break and probably will stay there at some future point....we will see. I hope your visit for your Dad's birthday goes ok. We found the staff were really good at distracting Mum with something when it was time for us to go otherwise I think it would have been really difficult to leave as she was expecting to come too. Mum packs to go 'home' every day anyway so it was her usual behaviour.