I just need to offload

[IDrinkAndISewThings]

My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's around 18 months ago, and started on Donepezil. She's still in her own home, has a yearly drivers licence so still drives, is capable of visiting her friends and family etc when she wants. So I guess quite early stages. My sister lives in Australia so while we have joint power of attorney, all the care falls to me. Generally that's fine, mums making her own meals, can wash and dress herself etc, so not much personal involved beyond sorting her pills into nomads and keeping on top of hospital appointments etc for all her other conditions.
I feel awful saying it, but it's all the other aspects of caring for her that are getting me down. She becomes fixated on things, like there being nothing on her tv to watch. She asks me to fix this, or to call a man in to fix it, and i know she feels like I'm fobbing her off but it's simply that she 1) doesn't fancy what's on tv and 2) can't handle modern tv now to find what she wants eg iplayer etc.
She keeps calling tradesmen in to do jobs she's asked me to organise because she's so impatient, and as a result she's been stung by rogue traders despite my best efforts to intervene.
Worst though is that I do every little errand and job for her immediately or explain exactly when I'll do it (if I'm working or busy with my kids, age 2 and 6) but she says that I make her feel like a burden, that I'm short with her and make her feel like a nuisance. And I know I don't, my mum has always been very suspicious of how people feel about her, I've spent my whole life walking on egg shells to make sure I don't upset her, and even more so now she has dementia. That's the most exhausting part, I do everything she asks me to promptly with a smile, and constantly reassure her that she's no bother and I'm glad to help her, yet she constantly questions my love for her and says I make her feel like a nuisance. I know it's the condition, but it's so draining.

She's always been a negative, pessimistic person, she's never been the most joy-filled person, but I swear that this disease is robbing her of all her positive qualities and leaving only her worst parts. She's my mum, and I love her, but I'm just feeling overwhelmed by how hard caring for her is, and it's not even 'proper' care yet.
If you've made it this far, thank you. I just needed a safe place to vent.

You've talked loads about your mum!!

You're clearly overwhelmed and overworked. Have YOU got any support? Looked into local support groups or found any help or financial aid you're entitled to?

Has she got a social worker or some form of care in the community?

I find that some elderly people folk with dementia who have families are left to get on with it as they will do and provide for. Are there things in place for her and yourself?

I think you're doing an amazing job but you're going to end up burnt out. It is really hard when you feel like you're doing it all on your own mainly.

That sounds really wearing op.

Finding someone to share it with helps. Even though your sister doesn't live nearby she could take her share of phone calls, allowing for time differences, she could find TV repair people if they are actually needed, I don't know. Yes it's easier if it's you and you are nearby but it doesn't have to be.

My grandma has dementia and phones my dad, my aunt and me. My dad is the only one who lives near us but sometimes just talking is enough to settle her and for my dad, knowing that she won't phone him on a Monday evening because that's when she phones me for example gives him a much needed bit of headspace.

Soon enough she'll not be able to work out which day is which I'm sure but it works for us for now.

Thank you both for taking the time to reply to me :)
She had her dementia support nurse going in once a month but now that service has stopped now that she's a year post-diagnosis, which to me is bonkers given as it's a progressive disease, but as the nurse explained it to me they only give the support for a year to allow you time to get power of attorney / wills etc set up, after that as you say if there's family nearby you're pretty much dropped and left to get on with it.
Mum won't go to any of the groups she was encouraged to go to (lunch clubs, singing etc) as she's always been quite antisocial and doesn't like going new places. She visits her poorly sister once a week but seems to resent doing it, her friend once a week for lunch, and otherwise takes herself into the next big town for groceries but that's pretty much it. My aunts (her sister's in law) live in the village and try to involve her in coffee mornings etc which sometimes she's open to and other times gripes about.

As for me, I rarely vent to my sister due to time difference and the difficulty in us both getting time to talk properly when we both have young kids at our feet demanding our attention and fighting with siblings! My husband is very supportive of me emotionally but works a lot so can't help with the workload burden.

As for support for her, I must admit I don't know where to go! She doesn't need a Carer as yet, she gets DLA (the high one I think) but she doesn't draw her pension yet (she's only 66). We don't claim anything else as I'm not sure what she'd be entitled to, especially as she has a reasonable amount of money behind her.

I work two days a week which despite it being a stressful job it's my salvation - I enjoy the time 'to myself' where I feel like I am thanked and rewarded for what I do.

If you earn less than £123 a week you'd be eligible to claim Carers Allowance. The amount wouldn't make much of a difference financially but perhaps could help you do something to make your own life easier. (A cleaner? Shopping deliveries? A big bottle of gin?)

Can you get someone to pop in and find a tv channel for her or make her a cup of tea of something on a regular basis. Or a gardener who she can call in to sort the tv. My DM had a dog walker so someone called in every day and could be asked to do small tasks.
She should get her pension very soon if not now.
Does she get attendance allowance - that is to help support her day to day life.
I think you get to be resigned to the fact that she is never happy and to the constant going on about the same thing (unfixable). It is the illness but you have to make sure YOU have a life or you will end up depressed and exhausted.

Agree with others - definitely worth giving thought to who else can share the workload (paid, unpaid, charity, social care, neighbours - whoever can offer even a small amount of support).

People say it takes a village to raise a child, but it can also take a village to care for someone with dementia.

Are there Admiral nurses in you area?