Vascular dementia where to start support parents

[Daddylonglegs1965]

Dad 79 has recently been diagnosed with (supposedly early stage) Vascular Dementia. He has had a few episodes in the last 12 months of confusion low blood pressure, inability to move speak which was put down to a water infections by hospital and GP’s. He lives with my mum similar age who is more mobile of sound mind but obviously stressed and my brother. They are getting by just my mum rarely goes out (doesn’t drive, has no interests, she’s nervous and lost all confidence) brother and myself and sister all help with food shopping and taking dad to hospital visits etc.
Dad has a fairly new car (which obviously he can’t drive but he hasn’t sold yet). The home is their own but bought through some sort of scheme whereby i think it would go back to whoever they bought it with after my parents day rather than the family. Goodness knows where that would leave my poor brother who is partially disabled and works part time in a very low paid job. In case dad has to go into a home or anything if my mum can no longer cope what would happen to the house? I need to see the paper work ASAP going up on Sunday and get things in order incase things worsen quicker than anticipated. Wonder if my mum and maybe my brother can get some sort of allowance as they are taking it in turns worrying, watching and keeping an eye on my dad? He is unsteady on his feet, is confused some of the time, isn’t able to wash himself properly (but won’t accept help), needs incontinence pants (has accidents day and night), he can walk but has gone from being very fit to shuffling most of the time in 12 months and has a headache most days, he can’t hear properly and won’t wear the hearing aid he was given, he is also a very quiet proud man. I want to help them both and my brother.
Any and all advice appreciated I am completely new to al this I have heard about Power of Attorney, Carers Allowance and Attendance Allowance but GP/hospital
haven’t advised my mum about this or my mum may have dismissed this initially not wanting to acknowledge it and hoping my dad would get better. I work part time, my sister has a partner, works almost full time (runs a business with partner). Brother has no DC or partner. Sister and myself both have DC and I have a husband ( if that makes any difference re: claiming any allowances (personally my mum and brother should have something if available as they do the lions share). I really don’t know where to start. Is their an impartial agency to advise my mum with my sister or me present or a good website as a starting point.

Thanks in advance

Anyone?

I didn't want to leave your post unanswered but don't really know very much.
I think you need social services to do an assessment. Look on the Age UK website, there is all sorts of help & information on there.
It may be too late to set up a power of attorney for your dad if he is not considered to have capacity but you should do it for your mum anyway in case you ever need to take over her affairs.
Good luck & I hope someone else can help you more.

Do go over and post on the caring for elderly parents chat thread, they are wonderful people and have lots of advice having many of them been through the same thing.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, my mum has dementia and it is so hard. Power of attorney is a must, get that sorted as soon as you can if your dad still has capacity to do so. It will make like easier. My parents go to a wonderful dementia cafe and have met some brilliant friends, it's strange but dementia has actually given them a better social life than they have had for years. Try to find out what is out there in your area. And don't look too far into the future, deal with the present and worry about what comes when it comes.

I agree with above you need to contact you local authority adult social care dept and request an assessment for your dad and also a carets assessment for your mum and brother.
He should be eligible for attendance allowance and you should be able to apply for it on his behalf. Imagine what care and support he actually needs not necessarily he is willing to accept- if that makes sense.
If the property is not owned by your parents then it won’t/ can’t be counted in any financial assessment. As long as your mum and (disabled) brother are in the property it would also be disregarded in any future fiancial assessments for his care.
In terms of power of attorney I would strongly advise you look into this. It will depend if your dad is able to understand and consent to this. Look into it now for your mum too while she is able to make this decision.
You could look into private care agencies if he is able to afford it. If there is a regular carer able to come in and build a relationship with him he may be more willing to accept the support.
Dementia is an awful disease, one thing to understand is that someone with dementia cannot learn new skills or retain new information which is often why things such as hearing aids and incontinence pads can be difficult for the person to get used to.
I hope this info is helpful a little bit. for you.

How capable is your brother?

Some ideas/suggestions:
Their local Age UK will have an Information and Advice service that can help apply for Attendance Allowance, advise if there is any carer’s allowance available, sort blue badges for anyone who doesn’t have one, and advise on anything else that can help.

Get an idea of their financial situation - definitely find out about the house but also what savings/pension do they have if any? Get your parent’s POA sorted asap - you can do this yourself but it might be easier via a POA solicitor or someone offering the service locally, but you need to do it while your DF still has capacity to make the decision (do DM at the same time).

Call their Adult Social Services department to see about an assessment for your dad.

Also ask Mumsnet to move this to the Elderly Parents section where there is a mountain of good advice and experience available.

Thanks all lots of advice to sift through. My mum is in denial so it’s difficult but I will try and get cracking to set up both. How do I ask mumsnet to move this post onto
the other thread please or please could someone do this for me.
Quick question should the hospital
not have encouraged my mum down the route of attendance/Carers allowance or do you think it’s maybe early days.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3465663-The-new-shiny-2019-thread-for-anyone-caring-for-elderly-parents?pg=34

This is the link to the chat thread, it's more of an ongoing chat thread for everyone on this journey, the dementia topic can be a bit tumbleweedy.

Just pop over there and join in. They are lifesavers. My Mum is now in a residential care home but in the period leading up to that, they were invaluable to me. (that's the worst bit tbh, the period when there are good bits and bad bits)

Hospitals don't concern themselves with attendance allowance etc, they deal only with medical solutions.

You can apply for attendance allowance for your dad - it's a long form, and it's best to get advice to get a form of words that will be understood in the way you wish it to - Age UK can apparently help.
Attendance allowance form is downloadable from here:
www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

There's an interaction between state pension and carer's allowance. I thought you couldn't get carer's allowance and state pension at the same time, but it's a a lot more complicated than that:
www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/financial-support/help-with-benefits/other-pension-age-benefits

A good start is the Alzheimers Soc website
www.alzheimers.org.uk/

Age UK's website: www.ageuk.org.uk/

In terms of incontinence pants which work best especially for night time? my DF is extremely slim and my sis got him some white incontinence pants but DF won’t wear these but he will wear some navy blue ones she found but they are not absorbent enough. my poor mum is changing and washing the bedding at least once every day. I have found a number for the incontinence team a lady has phoned but it will be several weeks before they get an appointment. Any advice in the meantime re absorbent navy night time incontinence underpants? Thanks

My DF wears the Boots "small" which are found on the ladies page. But they're white.

You could try a combination of waterproof pants and man's pads (which have more bulk around the front). Again, if he's small, try looking for women's - there are some that are black, which might be acceptable. Cotton with an inner waterproof lining is comfortable, and a world away from the rustling waterproof pants of the past.

You can also get a "stick on" catheter, a sort of shee-wee for men, but my father didn't get on with that.

You should also try the Admiral's Nurse organisation. Sometimes they have a nurse in your area, sometimes it's just by phone. They are there to support the family rather than the person with dementia. Our nurse helped me apply for a blue badge for my mum and the attendance allowance. Even if it's just by phone they can find you the correct benefits or organisations to help you.

On the point about your dad and incontinence pants. Would he wear white ones underneath his blue ones? My mum has Alzheimer's and Vascular Dementia (now in a care home) and she insisted on wearing her incontinence pants underneath her normal 'big' pants. She finally gave up that idea when she went into a home but until then we just accepted that that's what she wanted to do. At least she was wearing them! If he'll do that it may work for him.

In our area it's the district nurse team that can help with incontinence pads and pants. They can supply them free of charge after an assessment. It may be worth having a chat with your GP surgery as our district nurse team are referred by the GPs.

Do get that power of attorney organised. We did ours for our mum when she was diagnosed. The GP signed it and just needed a private chat with her to confirm she understood what we were doing and why.

You can use the attendance allowance for anything benefiting your DF. We used mum's initially to get a cleaner as she was forgetting to clean the loo and kitchen - we did what we could when we visited her each week but it ate into the 'having a cuppa and a chat' time which is really important. We also paid for mum's visit to her local day centre - she always came back 'sparky' after her day centre visit because they knew how to stimulate her with crafts, singing etc., Worth looking at them for your DF just to give the family a break for a day each week.

The GP can also refer your DF to occupational therapy who can organise things like zimmer frames or walking sticks, bed guards, commodes, raised loo seat etc to help if he's unsteady. The Red Cross often hire these things out too if you find there's a waiting list.