the guilt ...

[The80sweregreat]

I have written on here before about my elderly dad who is 96.
Following on from two falls and a whole heap of problems in hospital the last month( long sad story) we have finally placed him a care home close to where i live which specialises in Dementia care.
Dad's memory hasn't gone, he knows who we are. he has vascular/ mixed dementia/ alzheimers. He was getting frequent infections of his chest and UTI's which can make him an absolute demon.

Its the guilt i cannot handle - everyone says the same things ' its for the best , you've coped long enough ( we dont live near to his old place) and all the rest, but i still feel so uneasy that we have ' given up' on him a bit. I was hoping this move would give me a bit of ' peace of mind' but it hasn't. I know its early days and i can go there to see him a lot more , but i still feel really bad/ not sleeping. and he seems more on my mind now than when he lived alone with carers twice a day to do his food / meds and so on.
I wonder if anyone can reassure me, will it get better? I couldnt have him live with me as there are four of us in a small house. but I still had the impression from some of the HCPs in the hospital that we should do this for old folk - ( could be a bit of paranoid thinking on my part though!!)
Feeling a bit wretched.

He is safe where he is. Hang on to that. Have a non mn hug.

thank you!! he is safe ( i hope!) and i know all the arguments, but its the guilt!! grr.

It wouldn't be good for him to live with you. He will in due course need 24 hour care, which you cannot physically provide. It's better for him to make the move now than to wait until he's even less capable of getting used to a new setting. And by "outsourcing" the physical care you can concentrate on spending good times with him in a way that you wouldn't otherwise be able to do.

People who feel you should shoulder the whole burden yourself generally have never cared for someone 24 hours a day. It's a whole world apart from going off shift and having time to rest and recuperate. It's far more challenging than having a newborn in the house.

I know you say you know all the arguments - you just have to keep rehearsing them to yourself!

You know in yourself that this was the best, safest and kindest decision for your father, given the circumstance. though it will never be the easiest or what you hoped for.
Guilt. What de we mean by guilt? It took me a long time to learn that guilt was a complete waste of emotion. Either you can do something about the situation, in which case you do it, or you can't and you have to move on.
You've done the best you can do for your father, so allow yourself to move on.

Yes the guilt is horrendous.
I cried everytime i left my mum for the first month.
She used to pack her clothes ready to go home.
Honestly, it does get easier.

Had a bad visit yesterday, some of my family arn't happy about the situation and they did seem to have a skeleton staff , unlike saturday when i went along.
there are a few niggles but only to be expected i guess, he has only been in there a week.
trouble is, he wants to go home, is feeling better now and seems more aware that he isnt at home anymore, makes life harder for me to listen to his moaning and constant ' can i go home now?' questions.
however, his meds are being done, he is seeing a doctor tomorrow and the district nurses has drinks and regular meals and is safe.
its not ideal, but i dont suppose any care home is the perfect place to be honest, you can only go day by day. He is better than he would be back home, just a shame some members of my own family disagree with this and not fully on board with it all.
I just feel bad about all of it.

Unless these members of the family are falling over themselves to be responsible for his care 24/7/52, then they can keep their opinions to themselves IMO.
It is not unusual for people to 'improve' at first when going into care. They are safe, getting regular meals and drinks, are warm and have company. But at 96, your father is walking a tightrope where a small thing can 'knock him sideways' very easily and the environment he is now in will hopefully support him longer than being alone with limited visits from carers and relatives.
Give him and yourself more time to get used to the new normal. You're doing your best Op, believe in yourself.

Thank you. I know it’s right but others are nit picking and think he ‘should be at home’
They don’t want him living with them / no solutions just problems.

There's an ongoing 'Elderly parents' thread that can be a refuge of support from people who are travelling the same hard road, Op. You might find it helpful if you need a handhold in the future.

That your father was at home until the age of ninety six is remarkable in itself.

Faded / thank you. Means a lot. I love mumsnet for support on here. It’s reassuring as I feel a bit alone at times. As well as feeling judged! I am struggling but I know it will get better in time.
X

I visited a family member in a care home recently. She doesn't have dementia but most of the others did. I thought how much better it was for those people - the people working there would come in, do their job and then have a break afterwards. It's obvious that if you had someone in your home with dementia, you would never ever have a break. Also in the home there were plenty of staff who could help each other, eg with lifting guests, feeding them, etc. At home you're on your own. In the home the staff had each other for emotional support and could then go home and relax with their families - that's impossible if someone's living with you.

I think it's a really difficult decision if the person concerned has their wits about them, but really if they have dementia they are totally unaware of who you are and you know deep down they would never want you to take on that caring burden - and it is a burden providing 24/7 care for someone who will never again know you.

Hollow / I agree. My dads condition means he knows who are we are ( for now) everyone with this diagnoses are different / my dad is certainly presenting differently to some of the other residents in there. He can appear lucid at times then just tend to kind of ‘ go off on a tangent’ / I know he would have just had more UTIs chest infections living alone and started wandering off / we’ve had years of this already.
I guess it’s true, each person with dementia are different. Been a learning curve for me!

FadedRed Is right.
This way you know he’s safe, fed , warm etc. It doesn’t mean you don’t care, and all those lovely family members who are making comments can make sure he’s happy by taking him out, bringing him to their homes for lunch, and Actually spend time with him. This is instead of time just making sure he’s ok. the home takes the stress out of your actions of care. My mil used to boast she was taken out the most, whilst having her mind occupied all day with other residents, stuff going on at the home etc. He needs 24 hour watching... you’ve made sure that’s in place. Good for you op, ignore the haters!

Lolly/ thank you. I appreciate others have their views about residential care but it’s the feeling that I don’t care that hurts. I do and I didn’t want to do it but I know it’s the right thing for him. It’s not ideal but it’s better than him living alone and all the problems we had with that.

Easy for anyone to have anopinion on residential care if they are not looking after someone 24/7. Your dad is 96. That is an amazing long life in his own home. That did not happen by chance so it sounds like ye have cared well for him up to now. But its past your expertise now. He needs full time care from trained staff. You can still give him plenty of love and care and attention where he is.
Hopefully those shooting off their mouths are doing the same.

Please don’t feel guilty. He is safe and that is the very best thing you can do for him now. You can Visit a lot and simply concentrate on him rather than having to sort washing, shopping housework out when you go. My mum was only 74 when we had to put her into care (lewy body dementia) and it was heartbreaking, but you have to keep repeating that it’s for the best

I work with older people in their own homes. I would never think badly of any family who have decided on residential care for their loved ones, particularly those with dementia. It's TOUGH and can break you. It often ends in some horrid crisis. You've absolutely done the right thing .

There are lots of things you can do with your Dad to make him feel more settled and to spend some lovely time with him, rather than lurking from problem to problem .

Lurching. Bloody auto correct.

I known it’s for the best! It’s just hard getting over the feeling I’ve given up on him.
He wants the to go home and it’s heartbreaking hearing him say it over and over again.
I know I need to chill a bit but I can’t. I know it’s all normal to feel this way! Early days though still.

Honestly, you don’t get rid of problems by engaging with a care home... the problems are switched for different ones. Love is love where ever someone lives. So because you love him you will see him, take him out, bring him treats that you see in passing in a shop. But you won’t be thinking he’s fallen and is lying cold and alone on a floor, he’s wandering around lost because he’s forgotten how to get home, thirsty because who the hell knows how a kettle works coz he doesn’t . There are no perfect choices ... just decisions. It honestly does get easier x