Managing DM

[makemineasingle]

She has dementia. No formal diagnosis because she's refused to have a memory test or any hospital appointments.
Nonetheless it's apparent to us all, including DF.

Now she's always been an anxious sort but it's got so much worse. The GP, who is good and they both like, has her on some medication.
She admits to 'some slight memory problems, but that's very common in old age'

She's got to the stage where she's unhappy all the time. Refuses extra help, seems to fall out with people (that is really not her, she's alway been a people pleaser) and life just seems so miserable for her. She can't remember how to cook, or set the table, or put rinse aid in the dishwasher etc.
My DF is a saint but its so hard for him.
I've read the threads on here and ordered him the Oliver James book. DM might open it but she's not longer able to read.

I understand there's no magic solution but I'd love to know how other people manage.

So sorry to read this, it must be heartbreaking for you and your dad.
She’s probably falling out with people as a sort of ‘cover up ‘ for her memory loss.
I understand she doesn’t want to face it but if she’s unhappy you obviously want to do something. Does she have times when she’s more lucid than others? In which case maybe try to talk a little about how she feels.
My experience was to let them know how loved they are, try to to stay patient, keep them safe (obviously) and take it day by day.
Facilitating events, situations that have special memories may help too.
I hope you get better advice from MN.
Good luck, thoughts with you

Thank you.

She does have times when she's lucid and I've gently tried to bring up her memory but she's in denial.
It is heartbreaking. I worry what's round the corner.

If she can no longer read she must have had it for 5-8 years already. What's round the corner is not good news, but you knew that. To keep her safe, she'll need carers in her home and then be put into a care home.

Get her to sign LPAs for health and finance while she's still capable, or at least undignosed. You really have to involve SS and the NHS. If she won't cooperate (she won't) they have coping strategies ie they can say she's got something else wrong with her without the stigma of senility.

Whatever you do, don't get to the stage where she only accepts help from family.

Family can't do it - she's not just an old lady needing a hand with the shopping, she's seriously ill and needs specialist care. And over half carers of the demented have very bad breakdowns themselves.

How old is she? How is her physical health?

I'm listening to you.
She's 82 in very good physical health. DF is very switched on but has a raft of health problems. The crisis will come when he passes. The GP has referred for a SS assessment but last time DF cancelled it because DM said to.
I live 180m away.

That often happens - DF will be covering up for DM as well. The thing is... DM's wishes are overriding everyone else's here, and that's not on.

Demented people can be very, er, 'fixed in their views'. Anger and stubborness are just symptoms of the disease. And you've all got the job of keeping her alive, to put it bluntly.

The whole family being led by the nose by a dementee isn't going to work long term.

This is the tough bit - get another SS referral, don't tell DM, and make sure they're let in. She may well forget about it completely afterwards, so don't worry too much about the emotional impact.

Focus on the emotional wellbeing of DF and the rest of the family at least as much as DM's. Given they're the ones keeping her alive, they matter at least as much. This really is awful, but a lot of people with dementia are bloody unhappy and there's not much you or medicine can do about it. Make no apology for not putting DM above anyone else - everyone matters here.

I hadn't thought about it like that but you're right, we're all skirting around things trying to pretend and she's calling all the shots.

We do need a plan of action, it's all barely tolerable for any of us, especially DF.