Difficult mother

[redcollargirl]

I have had concerns about my elderly DM (83) for sometime. She has never been an easy person but has become increasingly aggressive and paranoid- she is making my DF’s life a misery. Today she is adamant that she drove to my house last week and put a letter through the door. I have not received a letter. She was very angry when I told her this and is obviously certain that she did. She appears to be well until you spend time with her when you realise that at times she cannot follow a conversation and her conversation is on a loop

She needs to see her doctor to find out what is causing this behaviour.

Try and get her to see a Dr asap(or if your Father can make her an appointment and get her to go)it could be a sign of dementia.I've looked after 3 people in the past that had different types of dementia,one was my Father and another was my ex MIL and the behaviour does sound the same.

Your Mother may realize that something isn't quite right with her own behaviour but could be very frightened about the thought of finding out that anything is wrong so try to tread carefully when you bring up the subject of seeing a Dr.

Well the letter was on the doormat when I got home, so she clearly hadn’t posted it through the letterbox last week. I phoned about something else this evening and no mention of the letter or the fact that she’d been round today. When I asked her about it, she insinuated that I had lied and it had been there all along. The letter itself was fairly unpleasant to receive.

I have wondered about ringing the doctor. I know they won’t discuss her with me, but would they listen to my concerns? My father feels it would be disloyal to go behind her back.

You can call the GP, your dad needs to have her seen by a doctor, hes not doing either of them any favour by ignoring it.

Yes if you have a good Dr(I know some of them aren't so great)speak to them and they should listen.

I know it must be really hard for your Father but if your Mother has got dementia and is driving she could end up causing a serious accident or she could leave the house one day and get lost and not be able to find her way back and if the letter she left you was offensive she could start causing friends and family to cut of contact with them both and that would be the last thing your Father would need.

Have you told your Father about the letter and what was in it?If you can it might help and please reassure your Father that getting the right help for someone you love is never a bad thing and if your Mother is suffering with dementia there are lots of things they can do now,there's medication for lots of types of dementia that can help slow the illness down and there's help and support out there for both of your parents if they ask for it.

if the letter she left you was offensive she could start causing friends and family to cut of contact with them both

They have almost no friends because she is so unpleasant, She has always been difficult, she’s just got worse. DF has Parkinson’s so is increasingly reliant on her, but I feel that she is bullying him. He has to agree with her, even when she is clearly in the wrong or is doing/saying something appalling.

They are both driving which I find astounding- when DF declared his Parkinsons to the DVLA, they allowed him to continue to drive despite the fact that his doctor’s notes (I saw a print out recently when filling out attendance allowance forms) say memory loss, occasional confusion and balance problems. DM is completely unable to judge speed and distance - she regularly prangs the car and caused a road rage incident when she pulled out in front of someone recently ; however, she passed some sort of elderly driver assessment,. Part of the problem is that she seems to be able to hold it together when it really matters and has always been capable of being funny and entertaining on a surface level.

I would discuss their driving with their Dr asap.

Hi OP. I'm afraid that sounds like a few things that I've observed with my DM who has mild to moderate Alzheimer's.

She has always held strong opinions but is now very unwilling to listen to alternative views. She also conflates experiences and finds it difficult to distinguish similar events that have happened at different times. And finally, spatial perception is really badly affected - before DM was diagnosed I hadn't realised what a big part of dementia this could be - her speech and (some) memory are still not too bad but she will struggle to find a light switch for example even in her own apartment.