Mother about to die - how do I prepare myself?

[Lifeonrepeat]

My mother has Parkinsons Disease and dementia with Lewy bodies. She has been in a care home for the past few years and has no mobility.
Her condition has deteriorated rapidly in the past week and she is not eating and hardly drinking. She weighs just over 30 Kilos. The doctor has said that it looks as though she will slip away in the next few days.
I have been to sit by her side most days this week and talk to her as she sleeps. I know I will be in pieces when she finally dies. Is there a good book that I can read to help me through my grief?
Also, what do I need to do in terms of planning an undertaker etc?

I am so sorry you are going through this. When my mother was dying I was told to keep speaking to her. The hearing is the last sense to go. Emotionally I don’t know how to help you but on the practical side there are thing to do, but not to rush.

After her death the hospital will make you an appointment for you to get the death certificate. I am assuming there is no home to sell, but there are people to be notified. The hospital will issue youwith a folder which will guide you. Nowadays the DWP and tax offices are notified under the “Tell us Once Scheme” . You then have to register the death, you will be told where to go, and you will be issued with a certificate to give to,the undertakers. You can arrange the funeral or cremation before you get the paperwork.
Check whether your mum had private pensions or Spouse pension and if she had any life policies. Any bank , post office or Building Society will need to be notified. Also she may had had Utility shares so the Share Registrar will need to be informed. If so I would get at least 4 death certificates as people are quite bad a sending them back.

You can , if you wish, ask the undertaker to take your mum from the hospital to the Chapel of rest. In my case we decided not to have the funeral come to our home. We all met at the Crematorium. My Stepfather had little money, so we had no funeral cars and a basic but very nice funeral. It was £3200.

Things that you will need to tell the undertaker, are whethe your Mum will be in an open casket at the Chapel of Restl if so you may want to choose her favourite clothes. If not then a shroud is provided by the undertaker. You will need to think about music, and who will officiate.
Undertakers have their own list of lay and religious people, or you can choose someone yourself. If it is a cremation you will also be ablee to select an Urn for the Ashes if you wish.

We asked people back to our house for after the funeral but of course pubs or local halls will also do this.

Thanks so much Astrantia - the information is really useful.

I agree you should keep talking to your mum or play her favourite music . I sat with my mum and it's a difficult time but strangely peaceful . Thinking of you

When my dear friend was nursing her dm through her last days we all purchased cds of her favourite oldies. Her and the aunts all sat with her listening to all sorts - my friend said it was a comfort to her to share with her those songs again.

I have not lost a parent but lost my partner when I was very young and regret when he was about to die not sitting and talking to him, there was so much I could have said but I felt silly because he was in and out of consciousness. I regret it dearly because I know he would have heard me. So my advice would be talk to your mum, maybe about growing up, lovely memories you have, how much you love her and will think of her every day. She will hear you even if it does not seem like it.
Sending love.

I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time OP, big hugs I lost my DM last year after a terminal diagnosis and I completely sympathise. Other PPs have offered great advice, and all I can add is please take care of yourself. It's an all consuming period, but you need to look after you to be able to be by your lovely mums side. Do you have RL support? xxx

When my FIL died a few years ago, the bereavement office at the hospital were great in guiding DH and SIL through the process. It's quite a lot of work initially, in getting certificates, talking to undertakers and getting the funeral sorted. DH found it was a few weeks after when it all hit him and that was when he needed the most help and support.

Try and look after yourself the best you can - eating and drinking as best you can, and try to rest. It can really knock it out of you physically as well as mentally. DH said that he was really glad he stayed with his dad, and with his sister they chatted about old memories even though his dad was mainly unconscious. Don't be surprised if it takes a while too, I worked in care for many years and it's often quite a slow process towards the end.

Unless your Mum has left instructions, I would check with a few undertakers about their services. Costs can vary hugely.
I was given a really useful booklet of information from the palliative care nurses which explained a lot of what to expect and so on.
My Mum also had dementia but actually died of something else. Despite feeling as if I had been grieving her loss before she died, the finality of her going was still very hard. Hugs x

OP

I lost my mum last year and there is nothing in the world you can do to prepare yourself- so I would say don't add pressure on yourself in the last precious few days by trying to.

My mum died from sepsis so we only had a few days between learning she would die and her dying. In that time, I took photos of her hands, arms and feet and snipped a lock of her hair. On her last day, I did her make up how she liked it. I'm glad I did those things, but I now realise I could have spent every minute of her last days talking to her and I would still be left with a lifetime of wanting to tell her things. You're never 'done' IYSWIM- she's your mum.

I found that planning her funeral really helped me.

It's going to be hard, and scary- but you'll get through it. You may even surprise yourself as to how strong you can be

Dear OP. I really feel for you as you are probabaly already exhausted from watching your Mum deteriorate like this. I have a parent with similar medical conditions and have been mentally preparing myself for some time.

I would say concentrate on what is happening now. Have you put to rest any 'issues'? Is there anything you would regret not telling her now? Tell her now if so.

You will be guided by those in authority what to do afterwards WRT dealing with her affairs and arranging the funeral.

I have just read an article on how the shape of grief is changing as people are now tending to drift slowly towards their end, rather than coming to a sudden end, and we're not very good at this long process of pre-grief.

You will eb able to get bereavement counselling from Cruse. Might also be worth contacting the Alzheimer's and Parkinson's charities for advice now.

i will be hiding this thread soon as too painful for me to keep seeing it, but i hope this has been some help to you.

I'm so sorry for you. All you can do is be there for her now and remember that the way she's having to live isn't the way anyone would want to live. Remember her how she was when she was strong and always remember how much she loves you.

As far as the funeral directors are concerned, when my dad died we used the Co-op and they were brilliant.