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Dementia & Alzheimer's
What to tell my grandmother
loopylou1984 · 07/01/2018 20:12
My grandmother has recently moved to a nursing home following a hospital stay for c-dif.
While she didn't resist going, she is still very much under the impression that she will be going home. In fact, I sometimes think that she thinks she's still in hospital.
My question is, is it ok to let her believe she will come home soon? Telling her the truth, that she's there permanently, seems pointless as it will upset her at the time, and within minutes she will have forgotten all about it anyway.
I feel so sad that she's ended up like this, she would hate it if she was aware :(.
Thank you
CMOTDibbler · 08/01/2018 21:20
I think not explicitly lying, but going with a cheery 'you just concentrate on getting better for now' or 'Oh, we'll see what the nurses say eh?' and gently deflect the subject
loopylou1984 · 09/01/2018 10:54
Thank you. That's what we have been going with. Xx
FreshStartToday · 09/01/2018 11:01
The lovely home that my mum was in advocated that policy. No point in putting someone through repeated trauma.
loopylou1984 · 09/01/2018 14:25
Thank you both. You hear so much about not lying to people that I just wanted to make sure our approach was ok. Xx
tomatopuree · 09/01/2018 14:27
You aren't lying to her. You are deflecting and keeping her settled.
sleepyhead · 09/01/2018 14:32
My grandmother asks where her mother is at least twice a visit. I tell her she's at the shops.
Her mother died 50 years ago, but she's happy with the explanation that she's just popped out.
BangPippleGo · 09/01/2018 14:46
I think the moral obligation changes with dementia - the truth causes extensive unnecessary upset, a white lie causes contentment and feeling more settled. Just do what feels best 
hatgirl · 09/01/2018 14:49
What you are doing is absolutely fine.
There's a book called 'contented dementia' by Oliver James which advocates this method. It's his story about how they managed his (IIRC) mother in laws dementia.
CMOTDibbler · 09/01/2018 15:06
Contented Dementia is good - what I really took away from it was that facts go quickly, but emotional state stays a lot longer. So if I tell my mum that of course we've met before, I'm her daughter and this is her grandson she'll be upset. She'll forget in 10 minutes that we had that talk, but be upset hours later. If I just say 'Its lovely to meet you too' she's happy. I'm not, but I can deal with that. She can't.
TressiliansStone · 09/01/2018 15:08
Thank you so much for the book recommendation. My relatives are at the beginning of dealing with this.
loopylou1984 · 09/01/2018 15:23
My mum is reading contented dementia at the moment actually, so perhaps I'll borrow it after her.
I didn't know that about the emotional upset staying with them even when they've forgotten the conversation. That's very interesting.
She's asked how 'mum' is too, and her late sisters and we have just said they're ok
loopylou1984 · 09/01/2018 15:28
She also asks after her dog a lot. It died years ago. So I guess we will continue to let her think it is happy at home. Xx
Mishappening · 09/01/2018 15:30
You are doing the right thing - just go with her flow. Kindness takes precedence over honesty in this situation. She is lucky to have good family there to visit. Even if she becomes muddled about who you are, the feeling that you care will transfer to her and be a bonus.
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