Mum sooooo desperately unhappy

[tactum]

It's only day 2 in the home but she is soooooo desperately unhappy, confused and doesn't see how she can live like this.
I know obviously its incredibly early days but what can I do to help, apart from not disintegrating in front of her? Am going to speak to home today.
SHould I take her out for a drive/lunch? Or leave her there for a concerted period so she might settle better? Ugh, just thought it would be a relief, not a whole new level of pain. How naive was I?

Sorry you're going through this. I have no words of wisdom I'm afraid as we're in a similar boat. My grandmother has been in care for around a week now and keeps trying to escape. Cleverly (or rather by fluke I think) she keeps pressing the fire alarm button which automatically unlocks all the secure doors.

See what the home say, I have read that it takes a while for people to settle in so it's possibly an entirely normal reaction.

Does she have lots of familiar things in her room? Ornaments, teddies, blanket, photos etc? That might help if not. And also (haven't tried this yet) a music player of some sort pre loaded with her favourite songs. Xx

That must be so hard on you (and her).
Does she have lots of her own things with her to make her feel more at home? Is there anything specifically she's gifting difficult or is it the entire thing?

I would imagine the staff will help by introducing her to people and getting her involved in things.

Like you say, it's really early days and I'm sure she will settle. But in the meantime you'll worry yourself silly.
If it's any consolation my great aunt was very very unhappy at the thought of going into a home and a week of respite there eventually turned into her living there and she struggled a lot at first.
She desperately missed her house and the fact she hadn't got to say "goodbye". But after a while she was genuinely happy there

Yes she's got lots and lots of familiar ornaments, pictures, photos, books etc. And I am visiting her every day for the foreseeable. She just wants to be a little girl again and not have to deal with all this shit.

There's also obviously a few challenging residents where she is so there is some noise and disruption which she hates. I think she thought she would be like one of the residents of Fawlty Towers!!!!

I know, I know it's just absolutely breaking my heart. On the positive side I'm usually a real anal stress head about Christmas and this year a couldn't give a toss, so I just keep crossing out my normal list of jobs on the basis it really doesn't matter!!!! On the negative side I am the only sibling within popping in distance and am trying to shield my kids from as much as possible, which means a lot of bottling up and the odd irrational rage at a towel on the floor!

Well I don't blame her! I'd like to be little again too!

I'm the kind of person who absolutely hates it every time I go on holiday and on the first night I end up crying because it's so awful and a huge mistake.
So I can well understand that for your mum it must feel horrible. But I genuinely do think that it'll get easier. It's a big transition and it must being up all sorts of feelings that are hard to deal with.

I think you are doing brilliantly and it's great that you go in every day to see her.
I was thinking about the idea of a drive or lunch out... why don't you suggest that for next week when she's had a chance to settle in a bit more and it'll give her something to look forward to as well

Personally, I think you should cut back on the visits. It sounds like they are taking their toll on you. I'm sure the home expect a period of adjustment to be tricky, so maybe see what they think?

you could buy her some colouring books, adult or child or ones you paint and repaint with water, whatever you think appropriate.

If she is at the stage where she would accept it, a doll with a few clothes to dress and undress it.

Music, is a great mood booster, something from her teenage years. Speak to the careers see what they suggest they are the experts.

Hope it improves soon.

I think maybe you should cut down on the visits until she has settled you can still ring the Home and see how she is.
We went through similar with my great uncle so I know how hard it must be for you

Hello Tactum, how are you doing? Christmas will be a time of lots of 'non routine' activities and there will be more noise and more visitors and more change than usual. I am sorry that you are finding it so hard. For us, it meant my Dad was safe and we really appreciated that at the time. Music, TV, even a tablet with films and tv programmes downloaded may help? Thinking of you.

I currently work as a carer with dementia patients, what you are describing is perfectly normal and it will settle down. As a pp has said I would maybe scale back the visits to maybe every other day/ every third day til she gets used to it, you are probably the only familiar face and she will be reliving the being left thing each time you go.

Is she in for good or respite? Perhaps try getting her some headphones and a CD player or dvd player so she can tune out the noise?