Alcoholic mother & dad with dementia - advice needed!

[St4rfish]

Parents (in their late 60s) are lifelong heavy drinkers but Mum has recently admitted she is an alcoholic (dad complicit in her drinking and drinks with her). She was admitted to hospital in March for acute alcohol withdrawal but has since relapsed several times (she lies about it but we have caught her out).

Mum also has a long history of severe depression and several other health issues. She does not cope well with stress. My dad has managed the household/finances etc throughout their marriage.

Last month my dad was diagnosed with vascular dementia. This wasn't a surprise as we had all seen a deterioration since he retired. Mum is struggling to cope and doesn't have the capacity to 'step up' and be dad's carer. Even without the alcoholism her depression and anxiety means she does not have the emotional resilience to cope. I'm finding her attitude quite pathetic. Dad has put up with her severe depression for 40+yrs and she is saying she has had enough already (dad's dementia is early-ish stages)

My brother and I are at a loss as to what to do. Mum is an emotional wreck; cries on the phone when she's sober; impossible to talk to when drunk. She can't even manage basic household stuff like bills etc. We have sorted LPA out so far but what do we do next? I live 40mins away, work full time and have a 1 year old son, so going to help in person regularly is going to be hard. We are not at all close and have had a complex relationship over the years (long periods of not speaking or seeing each other; they haven't seen their grandson since Christmas)

Any advice appreciated. Sorry for the long post.

Thats not a long post for such a tricky situation! You're in a really tough position and I can really appreciate that with a 1yr old and full time job your priorities are with your son.
I would consider contacting social services and the memory clinic to see what kind of home support can be put in place. If you don't know who his designated people are at the memory clinic you'll still be able to phone and find the right person.
Also talk to your Mum's GP. It sounds like your Mum can care barely cope with her own issues never mind your Dad's.

If you have LPA for both parents for health and welfare you shouldn't have any problems discussing medical issues. If you only have the LPA for finance you can still express your concerns with whomever is involved with their care, they just won't be able to give any details back. Sometimes it can be tricky getting past GP receptionist to arrange a telephone appointment but if you explain that its a safeguarding concern regarding your Mum's alcoholism and your Dad's dementia that should get you through!

I would also say that its pretty common to manage parents with Dementia from a distance. It'll take a lot of phone calls but you can do it.

Also have a look at the Talking Point area of the Alzheimers website. Its a great place to get further advice and equally importantly it'll give you another place for a bit of guilt free venting of any frustrations! Its a difficult path when one parent is ill but with your Mums issues I really feel for you. A virtual hug to you.

Hey St4rfish, I can definitely relate to your situation. I was wondering how is your situation developing?

I am currently in a similar situation - a 2 year old, working full time (and also studying on the side), a mother with dementia but in her late 50s (stages 5-6, it is quite advanced now), father who is an alcoholic and has been having some serious financial difficulties recently but still working full time at own small company (again, late 50s). I used to live 6h away but recently moved 1h away due to various other reasons. My sister, who lives abroad, and I did not know what to do because our father refused any additional help (a carer or similar) and does not take the government support offered (we live in the EU) seriously as well. Recently we started insisting on getting some help but it is really difficult to get through to my father.

This is in a nutshell, again, it's very specific, but any ideas would be more than welcome. Or just support really.