anxious, argumentative, confused, angry, afraid

[blessedbrianblessed]

Help please.

My mum is 86 and becoming increasingly confused at times and I would love some good advice on how to help her to deal with this - and me too.

While a lovely mum who has tried to do her best, she has always been a very anxious and rather passive/aggressive person, with a tendency towards smothering/controlling behaviour towards me - all the lifelong legacies of dreadful childhood traumas.

She's flying solo now - has been for 3 years since my father died. I'm her only child and live 80 miles away from her - she won't move closer to me, and my kids are all in their mid-late teens and work / go to school where we live so it's not a good time for us to move closer to her.

She's getting more forgetful - her short term memory is dreadful at times. She frets and frets about money - but she has plenty. Our financial adviser, who is lovely, very kind and a long-time family friend, visited recently and went through it all with her - wrote it all down for her etc and yet she still denies that things are ok in this area. She used to be immaculate but recently she's started to take less care of her appearance - not washing so frequently, not brushing her hair, and wearing grubby clothes. She will leave pans of half-cooked cold food on the stove for days so that when I visit (usually weekly) I find mould growing in the pots. She frequently wets herself but refuses to use the pads I have bought for her and shouts at me, accusing me of 'being nasty to her' when I say she needs to change her clothes. She's recently been fitted with a hearing aid - but at home, in private and away from the doctor's gaze, she refuses to wear it. And she's started to ask me things like 'what time is your father coming home?' etc. She doesn't do all of this all the time - but it's all worrying me.

I also don't think she eats particularly well when I am not with her to cook for her. And she drinks a bit too much sherry for my liking.

And yet, if she has to speak to / see her GP then she gets herself smartly dressed, makes perfect sense when she talks to her, and denies she has any problems. She says to me that she is afraid she will be 'put into care' yet I have reassured her that I will do everything I can to support her in whatever ways she finds acceptable.

I have suggested that we look into getting some support for her at home - help with washing, cooking, cleaning etc - but she will not hear of it and gets very angry if I try to discuss this with her.

She also refuses to go out anywhere unless I take her - so will not join the local stitch and bitch group where she could enjoy a chat and a knit, will not go for a coffee with neighbours at the local chapel drop-in on a Saturday morning etc etc.

And when she's in the house, all she does is get dressed, eat crisps, and sit in her chair and stare into space for hours on end, or semi-doze.

When me or one of my kids visit, she will make us food, go to the supermarket with us and will have a coffee in a cafe or something. And when she stays with me, she will venture out to the pictures with us - so she clearly wants to do stuff. But she is putting so much pressure on me to make it all happen for her, and while I love her and want to help, there are limits to what I can do - plus it is quite stressful for me at times because I never know when her mood is going to change and she'll start to verbally attack me.

And when she says black is white, for example, and I then gently say, no, actually black is black - then she'll have the most massive go at me.

What's going on here? And what do I do?

I'm sorry your Mum has become difficult. It's pretty common for people with Dementia to put on a front and go into 'hostess mode' when they need to be seen by medical professionals.
Maybe talk to the GP and keep a list of the behaviours you've observed. Your mother may not have given permission for the GP to talk to you but that doesn't stop you from talking to them! They are more than used to the elderly putting on a front to hide problems. Maybe they can then make an appointment and do some memory tests that will give an indication as to whether this is a normal decline in memory for her age or something more serious.

Either way I would look to getting Power of Attorney for both Health and Welfare and Financial while she is still deemed as having capacity to make decisions. She will need to agree so it could be a difficult one to persuade her.

As regards getting help that might be a little tricky in terms of how and who pays for it. If you and the financial advisor can get power of attorney you could pay for a home visitor with her funds. If you feel the need is more urgent you could pay for a few visits yourself and then hopefully move onto Social Services paying? Maybe to get her used to the idea, introduce the home visitor as a 'friend' of yours who comes around with you for the first couple of visits and then goes on their own. It surprising how they change when they realise they're getting some companionship. There are plenty of agencies who will understand how difficult it is for an elderly person to let someone into their home. They don't all arrive in a nurses uniform to make sure they can keep up the front! Once you have established that she needs help in the home, keep a log between yourself and the agency and apply for help with the costs from the social services. You will need to prove why she needs the help before they will do anything. Its a very 'computer says no' system so you need to work it a little.
Also if you do get a Dementia diagnosis there's no more Council Tax to pay so this could go towards care- thats if she will accept it!
Do go and have a look at the Talking Point part of the Alzheimers website -you'll find a lot of people there who have a wealth of personal experience. You'll learn the 'love lies' - the telling of a little lie to help them accept certain things. The care visitor as your 'friend' being one of them!

I can appreciate how difficult it is being far away from your Mum and it may be financially difficult for you to pay for some care but do think of it as a potential time saver and possible life saver. It is very useful having someone close by who can pop in if you've had a difficult phone conversation. We have home visits from a Care Agency for my FIL and it really helped.

All the very best in getting some help for your Mum - at 86 I'd say she done pretty well!

I went through exactly the same thing and, what you have described, is sadly very common. The self neglect and the changing moods are most likely due to dementia. You cannot do anything to make this situation any better. The intractable refusal to have help in the home is impossible to overcome. You cannot force her to accept help and no Local Authority will intervene unless she is a danger to herself or others.

What usually happens is that you worry yourself sick waiting for a crisis to happen. Elderly people with dementia seem to be able to,live on very little food and are unaware of their surroundings. However the minute a person of Authority appears on the scene they find inner reserves to fool them.

The main practical things I would do, if you have not done so already.
Get LPAs
Get her post redirected to you to ensure she is not being scammed and that she keeps any hospital appointments
Start to make a file of her details, because once the crisis does happen you will be making several phone calls on her behalf.
The file should have person details, date of marriage, NI number, utility details,bank and savings and lists of medications.
Sometimes it is easier for grandchildren to get them to co-operate. My mother would listen to my youngest son and nobody,else.
Don't argue with her as what she is saying is true to her. Telling her she wrong causes distress and mor confusion.
There is an Elderly relatives support thread on here, which has been my life saver for the past 6 years.
Maybe MNHQ could move your post to there for more responses.
I found AGEUK amazing at guiding me with dealing with my situation.

Sorry this is such an essay.

Hi PeralmePots and tinkerella1

Thank you so much for taking the time to post and share your experiences. It's just so good to hear of other people who have been through this.It's just so hard to know what is the right thing to do, especially as Mum's moods and apparent capability appears to change almost daily.

I was a late baby and only have one friend who has experienced caring for an ageing and unwell parent so far - and she has a fab sister who lives close by and was able to share the burden. Both of them have been amazing with advice and stuff though. All my other friends have relatively sprightly 70-something parents.

Anyway - I have already started on the file on details 'PeralMePots' and your tip about the grandkids is so true - my sons, in particular, can get through to Mum where I often cannot. So that's good.

Where do I find the Elderly Relatives support thread please? Sorry for being thick.

Hi my mum is also very good as masking her dementia when she can - assessments or medical appointments etc, and will tend to joke about me being overcautious etc, and that she is just old. The thing that I do is insist that the person asking the questions drills down to get a proper answer. For example, 'who is the current PM?' 'Oh, I wouldn't know that, I'm not interested in politics'. Sounds convincing, and she can often manage to chivvy people into believing her. However, she is actively masking the gaps.

I hear you! I am going through the same at the moment, though slightly further down the road than you. I have repeatedly tried to tell. GP, community nurse etc etc that my dad can't cope, but adrenaline kicks in when he's sitting in front of a naice professional type and he comes across as a very very slightly confused but otherwise perfectly ok gentleman whereas in reality he doesn't know night from day. He somehow manages to get himself shaved and dressing in his pressed Farah slacks and pen poised half way through the Times crossword if we ever get a visit from anyone important whereas from day to day he can't function at all. Another issue with the 'Who is the Prime Minister?' Questions is that they don't tell you what is important about how someone functions. My dad can answer all those basic questions about DOB, head of state etc but he cannot function at all in terms of living his life from day to day. So, I come across as a hysterical fusspot, silly lady etc. there is something wrong with the basic GP gate keeping/screening process.

Or maybe nothing wrong at all. Just that GPs are relieved they don't have to do anything. They have a checklist: knows the name if the prime minister etc (tick) obliging daughter on hand (tick) and they know they don't need to pursue anything further.....

Until their patient is picked up by the police after being found naked in the street or the daughter has a breakdown...,

I cant do links, but under Elderly Parents, it is Called

Caring for elderly parents, drop in for support

I suggest you get lasting power of attorney (LPA) organised, Age UK web site has excellent resources to explain how it works, and very helpful volunteers to speak to, and you need to get LPA arranged before you actually need to use it. Explain to her that this is a precaution for the future if she says she does not need it yet. Make sure you get this in place while she is still deemed to have 'capacity' to make decisions, the forms are quite straight forward to do yourself or you can get a solicitor to help.

OP, it does present like Alzheimer's. Please write to your DMs GP, stipulating your concerns. Ask him/her, if they would invite her to the surgery, under false pretences, so that she can be assessed. This is what I did, it helped tremendously, from then on in, I had good support.
Social Services helped enormously, with a night to day clock, rails put up in the bathroom, and outside. They came to look around the house for trip hazards etc..
Also get your Power of Attorney's in order now, so that you have them to hand in the near future, don't leave it, act now.
It's very difficult, but you will manage with support.💐