Assistance for mother with vascular dementia

[magnumpiss]

Hi,

Not sure where to start. My mum (92) has vascular dementia. We didn't have the foresight to get power of attorney before she got too sick to do it. She has gone in to hospital with heart problems and it is evident she needs to have 24 hour care (wakes in the night and wanders, sets fire to food, or doesn't eat at all, can be very aggressive). She doesn't agree - wants to stay in the home she has lived in for 60 years.

First question, to cut to the chase: who decides that she needs to go in to a home?
also:
To what degree can she refuse?
If she does have to go, do we sell her house to fund this?
How does that work if we don;t have any power of attorney?
Is she eligible for any assistance with the costs of a care home if she owns her own home outright and has savings?
If she is eligible for help with costs, does she have to stay in a council owned care home or can we pick an independent and pay the difference?

I'm sorry I sound so clueless, I think I've been pretending it's not happening I'm sad to say.

Has anyone been in this situation?

Thanks. Julia.

Hi Magnum. Well, the process ahead of you isn't going to be easy with no POA and without your mums consent.
Firstly, the doctors looking after her need to do a capability assessment to see if she still comes into the realm of what they deem capable. If not, you can apply to be her deputy with the CoP.
Then, if the professionals around her deem that the only safe option for her is residential care, and she doesn't agree with this, then you'll need a deprivation of liberty order.

With regard to paying for the care, then this explains the financial assessment. Her house will count in this, and will have to be sold.

The best starting point is to talk to the social worker attached to the ward as they will be able to explain how things work locally, and any ideas that might ease your mum into things - a short break initially to recuperate for instance

Good advice given already. It is difficult some times for sufferer to accept help or even condition, my Mum never did and we had to work round it but had POA in place fortunately.
There is good support here and Alzheimer's have forum too, just couldn't read this and go. Stay strong, support one another and always remember you have her best interests at heart. It's a hard road, no happy endings unfortunately. I'm sorry OP its devastating illness.

Got to be quick as at work but I'll post more later - we were in a similar position to you with my mum. We ended up refusing to allow mum to leave hospital, it was quite difficult and they weren't happy but they wanted to discharge her, and the advice we received would be that if we refused, then they would then have a duty of care to find a suitable care home for her. Otherwise if she returns to her own home, the onus would be completely on you and it would be much more difficult.

Mum ended up in a lovely home, chosen by us, she went into arrears with payments for several months, whilst we sold her home and sorted out her finances.

We were in a similar situation with an elderly relative, but the first thing offered was 'up to' 6 weeks in a care home, classed as continuing care, for which she was not charged. That would have given some breathing space for making a permanent arrangement. Also to let at whether there would have been eligibility for NHS continuing care funding for some of her care. In our case this was not what happened, due to a change in DRel's medical condition, but worth looking into.
Agree with pp about not accepting discharge home until you are satisfied with the care for your DM, it is hard to do, but hospitals will try to do that. It is understandable given the pressure on beds, but you have to be somewhat thick skinned and concentrate on your DM needs. (And I say that as a nurse who has seen both sides of this situation).
What I found with similar situations with 2 elderly rels was that you have to ask and keeping asking, much of the information available is not forthcoming until you dig for it. Worth talking with Age UK, and reading their website, so you have as much information as possible.
Sympathy for your situation, it's so difficult.

Thanks everyone. Particularly for the links dibbler, that really was very kind of you. I will take time to read through everything and process it all.

Ballsaresandy - were the home understanding? I suppose you can easily prove she owns a house that is being sold to give them some comfort that bills will be paid eventually.