Settling into care home, is this normal?

[percythepenguin]

My 91 year old Grandmother moved into a care home 2 days ago, she has dementia an had been coping at home with the help of my grandfather until his death a month ago. The family have been advised not to visit her for the first week to allow her to settle but my Mum is distraught and feels that she is neglecting her. Has anyone else been given similar advice. I have I admit at this point that I am a HCP and have actually spent time working in Old Age Psychiatry, I've never heard of this advice before but I suppose I was never involved in settling patients into homes so that doesn't mean it wasn't given!

That sounds very odd to me too. I'm a sister in a similar setting.

She's very recently bereaved twice over with losing her DH and her home, I imagine she may feel very lonely and lost if no one comes to visit. I would merrily ignore and bring her favourite biscuits, family photos to talk about, photos of any children and grandchildren.

Oh my goodness OP, how sad and difficult for you all! Your mother's reaction alone says "this is wrong." No one should be suffering. I sort of 'get' the advice you've been given but whether you see her today or a month from now, it will rattle grandmother a bit. My dad spent the last 6 weeks of his life in a care home. He had dementia. It was very hard. When we showed up there were initial hurdles every time we came simply because his thought processing was irrational. He would enjoy our visits once he settled into them but when we would leave it was always so hard on the family. So there is no right or wrong time to visit, imo. It's difficult at the best of times but human contact from loved ones is vital! They preach skin on skin contact when we start life but what about at the end of it? Because we are old and frail we become invisible, unlovable. Just to hold your grandmother's hand will be so healing, so soothing OP for you and her. Visits need not be long at all. Just be there. My MIL has Alzheimer's and is in a home. She doesn't know us but when I last hugged her she said "Thank you. That feels so good. I don't know you but I know that you're a safe person." I just held her, no words, just warmth...love and human touch is what everyone needs. Forget the rules here and follow your instinct.

My MIL moved into a care home earlier this year. We weren't told not to visit her!

I'd go, I think. If your gran is upset then seeing you/her dd will help her. How bad is her dementia?

I was told this 4 years ago with my mum, I didn't listen and went every day as I too felt like your mum, I was wrong, everytime I went mum started putting on her coat wanting to leave with me, she was upset telling me she wished she was dead and she hated it there she didnT mix or join in as she was waiting for me. On about the 8th day, she got very angry and upset when I wouldn't take her home and told me she wished she was dead and that the home was a dive and no one was feeding her (believe me it wasn't and they were) but this time she said it all when my then 10 yr old son was with me, he got so upset thst nans wanted to die, I snapped and told her she was ungrateful and the home was good and there was nothing else I could do to help her as she couldn't be at home on her own . I went home and left her for 4 days to settle and she did, next time I went back she was joining in the quiz and telling me about the other residents. And now she hates leaving the home. Obviously everyone is different but I realise I was wrong and the staff knew what they were talking about.

Thank-you all for the advice! I've been wanting to tell Mum to just go but wanted to check this wasn't standard advice first, I can't see how going to see her in a week would be any easier than now! horsewalksintoabar you're right about the skin to skin, my mum and aunt have been taking it in turns to stay with her for the past month and she has loved either of them sitting beside her stroking her hand and arm in the evenings, knowing how much she loved that contact is one of the things that's really upsetting Mum about not going to see her! Thanks again for all the advice!