transition to care home advice

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I wrote a thread a few months back. My mum died suddenly in Feb leaving my dad who has Alzheimer's. I live in Nottingham and my dad lives in Essex. My husband took on the role of living with my dad 4 days a week and other days we have carers and family member's. My dad has not coped with carers as there are gaps in the care. He cannot cope with even 10mins on his own - anxiety /scared. It has got to point where he is knocking on neighbour's all the time and phoning My aunt (my mum's sister ). It has been so stressful for all of us. We came to the decision that a care home would be better as it's 24/7 care. We decided it would be best he moved to Nottingham so he can be close to us. My brother who lives 10 mins drive from my dad and does a couple hours a week (don't ask!!) Is ok with Nottingham. My dad has visited the care home on several occasions. We have explained so many times about why he needs to be in a care home and why near us. He agrees but then gets panicky and says his not ready etc. No aggression so far (can be). He also forgets his been. Have booked him to move in in 2 weeks and worrying how it's going to happen! We are going to his for next 2 weeks to help pack stuff and spend our last times with him at the family home. Very emotional time. Sorry for long story just wanted to set scene. Any advice or personal experiences would be much appreciated.

Sorry you're having such a rough time at the minute. Just deal with each day as it comes, you sound like you're giving your Dad lots of reassurance and support. My Mum has been in her care home for three years now. We tried to cope at home but it all got too much. Please don't feel guilty and make sure you don't forget to take care of yourselves too.

Thank you vulcanwoman. Did your mum accept from beginning or was she resistant?

Having been through the transition with my mum who had Alzheimers I'd say just do it. My sister and I agonised over the decision and her right to stay in her home, but when it became obvious she was no longer coping, we went ahead and organised it anyway. We were prepared for just about anything by way of reaction from her as she had always been fiercely independent and not a joiner. In fact she walked in, joined in and was calm from the very first. It was as if the burden of trying to cope had suddenly been lifted.

Very definitely the right decision and confirmed within a few months when her health took a turn for the worse and the care home looked after her beautifully. (You hear so much about awful care homes and nothing about the many who are lovely and provide excellent care).

Making the decision is the hardest part but it sounds like your dad needs to feel safe and a care home is the best place. His decision making will not be great so though it is hard to accept you have to do it for him. If all else fails you can do the going for a visit to try it out route for a month. He will not want to leave then because it will be familiar.

My Mum went from being able to look after herself to not in about 3 weeks, I think she must of had some sort of stroke. There was lots of falls inside and outside her own home, hospital visits, then we tried home carers 3 times a day, me visiting every other day but in the end still wasn't enough, the final hospital admission, the in hospital social worker and me spoke to my Mum and she agreed it was needed but still wasn't 100% happy with it but there was no other way really, 24/7 care was needed. They gave me time to look around some care homes but a temporary place came up which we started with, which turned in to a permanent place, as was very good, suited my Mum and she settled there.
I think the way I thought about it was, what would my Mum do and say if she was like she was before, looking at the situation from outside and I'm sure she would have done the same in fact she did my Nan had Dementia too. When their safety and welfare needs are at stake, what else can we do, it's so hard, like I say take care of yourself as well and best wishes.

Dad has dementia and has been in a care home for two months now. It hasn't been an easy transition for him and we are learning as we go along. We have put lots of photos in his room and some ornaments and knick knacks from his house. You will need name tapes for clothing. We bought dad lots of different coloured shirts so we would know if he had been left wearing the same clothes. When we first took him out for an afternoon it went horribly wrong as he thought he was going back home and then didn't want to go back and got very distressed. I think we did it too soon so I would suggest not doing that for a while.

The advice we were given when my late MIL went into a dementia homwe was don't visit for a month to let her settle in properly.

Don't feel guilty - Alzheimers (and other conditions in old age) need a team of people to provide round the clock care. For many families this is impossible to provide at home.

Hi all. Thanks for advice. We moved dad into care home on thursday. He was confused and sad at time but ok. My hubby went to check on him at 8pm and he was anxious and not wanting to be there. Next day we had a call in the morning (we had planned to go in afternoon)to say he was anxious. We dropped what we were doing and went. He was sitting in the communal lounge watching tv and was calm and ok. We chatted a little and he said he was ok but couldn't stay full time. Very confused about where he was (hospital, care home, hotel ). We left and he seemed ok. Manager said his behaviour was normal and it would probably take a few weeks to settle. We went yesterday and he was anxious when we arrived. Searching for a nurse. It seemed like he thought He was in a hospital for sinus problems! We took him to his room where he kept asking where he was, did he live there. He kept insisting he couldn't live there, the room was too small, the staff were 'cold'. He told me that he should just take his own life. That we needed to find him somewhere better! (We looked at 15 homes. This is the very best! ). He kept apologising but then putting guilt on. I tried to unpack some of his things but he freaked out. His key worker spoke to me and suggested as did the manager not to visit for a few days. We have done this today but I feel so much guilt and I'm imagining him sitting seething. In reality he probably can't remember if we had visited or not. I'm hoping this gets easier. I thought I would have a sense of relief but I just feel awful

Oh my god!! Dad has got really bad. Following staff around, demanding to phone family which is being denied. Saying his family have dumped him there!! Walking into people's rooms when staff are doing personal care. Barging passed people. The manager got a gp to see him and they are getting psychiatric team involved. He is saying he is so depressed which we already knew he was saying before. Keeps mentioning suicide. Manager has picked up its not just the Alzheimer's but his personality also. Feel a little relief but also so embarrassed by his behaviour. Dread going to see him now as he will verbally attack me!

Sorry your dad is having such a hard time. it's very difficult. Rest assured he's in the best place and at least the staff are trained to help him. Dementia can affect people in very different ways, and can exacerbate aspects of their personality. Hope he is calmer soon. x