Advice needed

[Blurbunny22]

My mum has suddenly passed away and my dad has alzheimers. My husband and I have taken responsibility of staying with him as he is terrified of being alone. He lives in Essex and we live in Nottingham where I am a teacher. My husband is staying with my dad and I am splitting myself between Essex and Nottingham. My brother lives close to my dad but has no intention of living with my dad. My dads dementia is currently that his short term memory has gone, he forgets medication, what his done, eating. He doesn't change his clothes which is a battle. He has never been an easy man but he is obviously grieving for my mum. He is very miserable all the time and lashes out - but then forgets he has.

We have a 2 1/2 yr old who he really has no patience for. He snatches toys off her and gets annoyed with her when she doesn't want to talk to him. It has been a battle to get him to let her have her own room at his house.

We just don't know if we are making the right choice as we are changing our whole life for him but he shows no appreciation (which I am blaming the illness for) and he gets no joy from us being there!

Any advice would be great

Blurrbunny22 this sounds very hard on you and your DH. I have not been in this situation but could you maybe get some help in with someone who in that kind of profession, maybe have someone to talk to with knowledge of dementia etc may talk a bit of the strain off YOU and your DH.

wIth regards to your DD I think that you will have to be stern with you dad, it's hard because his illness is probably the reason why he is acting out in this way, his part of the brain that is still working has no patience for squeaky voices etc....but that's not your fault ans her fault, she should have her own bedroom so she can have all her toys in there so she's not around your dad all the time. Maybe gradually do this so it's less stress for your dad?
I'm sure there is a free number you can call to get advice about having help at home wether it be financially or physically or manually. You wil be surprised what is out there, maybe ring your local GP and get advice.

I hope some of this helps. Whilst your daughter is little you can make changes to like possible house moves to your I between your job and your dads.

Good luck with it all please let me know how it goes.

Hi blur
Sounds like a very difficult time. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Has your dad's dementia got worse since your mum died? If so, it may improve again after the shock has worn off a bit. If not, then it won't get any better. Are you planning on moving house to be with him? Or moving him to a care home beside you?

Did he have any carers before? It's admirable that you're looking after your dad like this, but it's very hard to see how you can keep up this level of care without exhausting yourselves. Does your dh work? I'd ask your dad's GP to do an assessment of him and write down all your options; can you talk to him about all this, or is he at the stage where he doesn't think about how things affect other people at all (i.e. the effect on your lives, driving to be with him, etc.)

Hugs. It's very hard.

Thanks for the advice.

My husband has given up his job to be with my dad as we needed to act fast.

Dementia hasn't got worse it's just we are seeing it a lot closer up.

We are going to look into carers but he would need someone 24/7 as he gets anxious. I think we should look into care homes but my brother says no as my dad would hate it. I do feel maybe it would be too much - just losing his wife and then going into a home.

I don't feel like we are adding to his life. We are trying to get him more active but it's hard work with little effect.

We are so confused and making such massive changes to our life. My mum would be so upset that we are in this position. He like I said in previous post was never an easy man.

We find he just has no positiveness in him and this was even before my mum passed so it's really not nice being with him

Such a hard situation.

I think tbh, you have to prioritise your dd in this. Having your dad living with you sounds like a no go if he lashes out (and ime, my mum was wonderful with children and dementia made her nasty and shouty at ds which really scared him) - and you can't go on with your dh so far from you and his dd.

A well chosen care home near you, so that he's never alone, with stimulation and activities sound like the best solution. Your dad would get used to it, and making more change while he is unsettled is possibly the best time to do it, rather than letting him settle in.

Is your brother doing anything practically to help?