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[Ludoole]

My dad has mixed vascular dementia and alzheimers. I am paid to help him and my mum for 16 hours a week through direct payments. In reality i help out much more.
Im struggling hugely....
On top of helping out with dad (and mum), im a single parent and my fiance (who i dont yet live with) has stage 4 cancer.

I am at my wits end with everything and today i snapped at my dad when he asked the same bloody question for the thousandtg time in 10 mins.
He didnt deserve it and i know he can't help it... I just feel ao flipping guilty for my reaction.

Im just off loading here i guess as rl support is zero.

[butterbeerfloat]

Oh God you've got a lot on your plate :( for you
My Grandma (though more of a Mother figure in our lives than Grandmother as she lived with us and raised us with my Mum) had dementia for the last three years of her life and we cared for her full time at home for a couple of years before we were forced to put her into a nursing home. Nobody understood how we were coping at home, and tbh we weren't!
(But she'd always said "Never put me in a home" so it was an excruciating decision to make)

Anyway just wanted to pop by to say I understand completely about snapping at your poor dad, it's so hard to keep your cool 100% of the time with so much to contend with. My Grandma was really challenging, and although I had infinite patience for her, happy to have the same conversation 10000s of times a day, but everyone gets those bad days where you can't take anymore - and you have a LOT of other things to contend with so it's completely understandable!

I know how awful it feels to have snapped, because they have genuinely no idea they've already asked the questions 100 times over in a row and it's just such an awful situation for everyone :(

No advice from me but lots of hugs and just wanted to let you know you're amazingly strong to be contending with so much and I'm really sorry for what your fiance and dad are having to go through, and as a result, you and your mum.

[twentyten]

You poor thing. You have so much to deal with. Lots f support and wisdom on the elderly parents thread. Have you had a carers assessment? Support from age uk/ hospice etc? There is help in rl- please reach out. You deserve it.

[TerrifiedMothertobe]

That's hideous. I don't know how you manage, you need more support. Is there anyway to get this?

[Bearandcub]

Care companies aren't the horror story you hear you know. Your Dad needs more support than you can offer at 16 hours.

Ask your Local Authority for support or least for contact details of local community organisations that could support your parents better.

What support does your fiancé have?

You need some support and rest. It is vitally important you look after yourself and that means being a bit selfish to do it. Rest, get some external support and take a step back.

Please.

[Ludoole]

Thankyou for the lovely words (and for understanding)
Mum and i are beginning to discuss respite care, although we strongly suspect that he will be much more unsettled after a week away and are weighing up the pros and cons of that.

Since dads gone downhill, we've noticed that other family have cut back on visiting and now we rarely see anyone.
I guess for now we just continue juggling.

I do put my "happy" face on usually with both mum and dad, but i feel like im drowning most of the time.

Thank you again for your replies.

[twentyten]

Please look at other care too- perhaps someone staying with him so you can get some time away?
Carers assessments are key. You cannot do this on your own.

[Ludoole]

He used to go to day centre but hated it and refused to get up until the transport had been...
We have had people stay with him but he's excessively clingy when we get back and the nice little break soon becomes a distant memory...

We are seeing his consultant next week so hopefully she will have some suggestions.

[whataboutbob]

Lud., family members who melt away when a relative has dementia are known as " the invisibles " on the Alzheimers Society forum. If you haven't done so already, do check it out. There are really experienced posters and moderators on there and you will get good information and advice. It definitely does sound like you need support. Good luck with the consultant appointment. For what i'ts worth I believe that people with dementia put such demands on their carers that tough love and swinging things to help you are totally justified. If that means people siting in with him while you have a break , so be it.