We strongly suspect MiL has dementia, but she blows up at the mention of seeing her GP. How do we deal with this and get her the help she and FiL desperately need?

[LackaDAISYcal]

Short history, MiL (early 70s) has been getting increasingly forgetful over the last couple of years, however things are getting worse and FiL is finding it hard to cope. I work in elderely care and I've voiced my concerns to my DH a few times over the years, but it has always been passed off as her being ill/in pain from her ongoing rheumatoid arthritis (she will only take anti-inflammatories, so it;s not a problem with her medication) and as a lupus sufferer, I know pain can cause brain fog, but this seems much more than that.

Recently though, she is increasingly difficult to have a conversation with (getting distracted, forgetting names and dates and what things are called); she has been found out in the road looking for FiL (when he is generally to be found doing woodwork in the garage), she seems to have lost the ability to microwave anything (they live on M&S meals), always asking FiL for assistance; they take money out each week and have purses for various outgoings and she is getting more and more muddled with these, and she seem more and more unsure of her footing, even on flat paths. She has also had what FiL has described as tantrums, over the slightest thing and has taken to cooing and gishing over babies and toddlers, pets, the childrens cuddly toys, when previously she was quite blase about thse things. My Dd made her a stuffed loveheart for her birthday and she sat and stroked it for an age, totally ignoring the family gathering going on around her.

Anyway, FiL has tried to braoch the subject of seeing the GP several times, but she either ignores him and changes the subject, or gets really angry and has what he terms a "paddy" at him. It doesn't help that she watched her older sister die of Alzheimer's (which may be adding to her denial)

She is getting worse, and we really don't know how to get her the help that we feel she needs. FiL is starting to struggle with it and some days they are barely on talking terms as she gets frustrated when he tries to help and has a go at him. She is a very independant and proud woman (her house and her dress is immaculate) and she never complains about her arthritis and the pain she is in on a daily basis.

So, to cut a long story short; how does one help a parent see that there is a problem and that the problem needs to be addressed by an appropriate medical professional. I've never been very close to her, so although from a professional point of view I can see she needs help, on a personal level I don't feel I can bring it up.

Thanks in advance

or not so short history

Fil could go to the GP on his own first on her behalf and explain the situation.
GP could then call her in for a health check and do a memory test.
Of course she could still refuse but is much more likely to take it from the GP than from family.
She would then be referred to a memory clinic or it may be possible to get a home visit if she would refuse to go to clinic.
If she completely refuses then it is her right to do so as long as she isn't at risk but often people can be persuaded once the initial reluctance is got over.

You could suggest that there have been significant medical advances. The forgetfulness might be due to thyroid imbalances, whilst Aricept can delay further memory loss for up to three years. So worth having a GP check.

I can understand the denial. It must be an awful thing to try to accept. Even now my mother will say things like "I was ill then" or "I was under a lot of stress at the time" to explain why things happened.

On a different note has your FIL looked at housing options, eg sheltered or very sheltered which provide the on site support he might need as time goes on. Being in a community where others could help and where there was a social life (bridge club) on the doorstep was a life saver for my uncle when my aunt was ill. Similarly there are plenty of couples where my mother lives, with one partner more frail/forgetful than the other.

Thanks for your advice I'll suggest it to FiL that he sees the doctor himself first outlines his concerns; perhaps DH can go with him for support. We don't see a great deal of them though, so miss a lot of what goes on, but I suppose we see bigger steps in health as a result.

I'm not sure about looking at different housing options; they have been in their house since they were first married and it is their pride and joy and is immaculate. It would take a lot for them to leave it. FiL, though mid 70s is probably fitter than my DH as he swims and cycles two or three times a week and does lots of gardening so is capable of looking after things.

It's so hard. I see it every day at work, the devastation it causes. Horrible, horrible illness

I think getting your FIL to talk to the GP, and then get her to go in 'for an MOT' or 'review for your medicines' is the best way to approach things.

My mum can be very angry (and incidently now loves soft toys, which she never did), and my dad gets frustrated and angry at her no matter how much I (and the dementia support worker) tell him it doesn't do either of them any good.

On the practical front, after they blew up 3 microwaves in a row, I got the cheapest microwave from Amazon that just has two dial controls, and taped over the other power settings and times above 5 minutes. This seems to have survived for a few months

thanks CMOT :)

My MiL has always loved soft toys, but will now sit and talk to them. When she comes here, she pays more attention to the kids' toys than she does to them. But, I think that she finds my boisterous children too confusing to deal with. I can't remember the last time she actually interacted with them, thoughb she has tidied DD's room the last couple of times she has been here, but I think she feels that if she is tidying then she is still "her".

Another thing she has started doing is bringing her own tea bags when she comes here. We have regular tea as well as various decaff, green and herbal and she can never seem to remember that the PG tips are in the jar with the red top. When I questioned her on bringing her own tea, she just said "well, your tea isn't to my taste" even though they buy PG tips as well. I think she has made green or herbal too many times so feels safer bringing her own.

I don't know how we will get through to her over this; she doesn't talk about her RA except in vague terms and she has had ocular herpes since she was a child, but never talks about it. DH didn't even know until I asked a few years ago what the medicine she had put in our fridge was for. He was circumcised as a child and doesn't even know why She is not the sort to talk about personal stuff at all.

DH's brother dismisses it all as her just getting a bit flaky with age, though DH thinks he has more to lose with her being diagnosed as PiLs are their main childcare . Bloody families. It kind of makes me glad that my parents were both fully in charge of their faculties when they died.

Hi Daisy. Similar scenario with my mum. My dad approached the GP who did a quick test and referred her to the memory clinic. Both my parents hated it, really hated it and found it patronising and demeaning. Not sure how representative that is or maybe their referral was too early?

The main issue for me is that my very fit and active father is finding his life very restricted because he can't go out and leave her. That is impacting on him. She is also pretty crabby with him taking out her frustration. He's patient and lovely tbh.

I try and slow myself down for her and we just give her time to think things through without too much prompting and too much noise. I think my dad is now her career but equally she's not 'that bad'. I worry where it's leading though

Both my parents have cried about this . They both know. My mum is scared. My dad is very sad at losing her.

so sorry Frontforward It's such a hideous illness. From my work with dementia sufferers, I know just how hard it can be on family. And on the individual as well, especially if their family are having a hard time accepting the dx.

I would love to be more involved, but DH's family aren't close in the way my family are. No popping in uninvited, and in the almost 18 years we have been together, I have been to their house for a meal three times (M&S buffet, chinese takeaway, and indoor picnic that we took ourselves as we were rained off on a planned day out). If I suddenly took to popping in uninvited, or taking her shopping (never, ever have we done that even though we share a love of bags anbd shoes) it would look odd. By comparison, my mum would be on the phone every Friday finding out who wanted feeding on Sunday, and we would be in and out all the time, no invitation needed. Even if we hadn't made definite plans, we could turn up with food to add to the mix and just join in. My sister and her family drove 250 miles to give me a hug after my recent hysterectomy for uterine cancer. BiL and his wife haven't even phoned to see how I am (and they may not even know as it's personal/private and PiLs probably haven't mentioned it). It's a different world to the one I'm used to and I'm stuck as to how to provide support.

We ended up writing to the GP about my MIL. But it was very difficult as she and my FIL would not accept her diagnosis for years (memory clinics, drug trials). Then they would not have any help in the house etc until crisis point (we are 250 miles away). MIL is now in a (very good) care home. But it took a virtual nervous breakdown by FIL to get him to accept he could not look after her anymore.

I am certain my mother has dementia but has refused to go to the memory clinic her GP referred her to, her GP arranged for her to have a psychiatrist visit her at home to do the assessment. She refused to answer any of the questions and demanded they leave. I expect we will wait till she is more agreeable or less aware of where she is and what is happening.

Thanks for all your advice and sharing your experiences. I think it is the fear of the unknown with dementia that contributes to the denial, as well as the inevitable loss of self

I've passed the advice here onto my DH who is going to talk to FiL this weekend. I'll update once things have moved on a bit.

Good Luck to everyone dealing with or struggling to get a diagnosis

I phoned my dads surgery and explained my concerns to the receptionist. They agreed to send for my dad to do a "routine" health check and I just happened to turn up. There is no way my dad would have go e to the doctors otherwise.
The GP did a memory test and referred him to the memory clinic. He first saw a nurse who did another memory test. His next appointment was a CT scan the the last was to see a doctor. Dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and been given medication. All through this he still says he hasn't got a memory problem!
I would deffinetly try phoning her doctors and ask them for some advice, if they won't talk to you get hubby to speak to them. They told me they're often contacted by family members raising there concerns. Good luck