Help me deal with grief over Dad with Alzheimer's?

[chickensaresafehere]

My Dad went into emergency respite at the end of last week,as Mum couldn't cope with him at home anymore.He had been transferred to the more secure wing over the weekend as he was trying to climb the 8ft wall of the home.
Me and Mum went to see him yesterday,it was awful. . . . . .
He is no longer my Dad,he was sat there in a thermal vest,a thick shirt & a woolly tank top,it was boiling in there.We went to his room,it had none of his belongings/clothes in,it was soulless & you couldn't even open the window.
He had moments of lucidity where I could see the pain in his eyes of what was happening to him & where he was.
I held it together for Mum,but have been a wreck since.
Have just come out the other end of years of struggle with my beautiful daughter,who has a rare form of cerebral palsy.I nearly reached rock bottom then,but for my husband & older daughter.
I know I need to 'pull myself together',
I need to be strong for Mum,there's only us,no other family.
I need to find some strength. . . . . . . .

I'm so sorry you had that experience. My own DM is exhibiting signs of Alzheimers and it's very depressing seeing someone's personality gradually dying. Did the care home offer you any kind of support? Did you talk to those looking after him about the environment?

You don't actually have to be strong for your Mum. Acknowledging how painful you're finding it may be what she needs.

I was very sorry to read about your Dad; Alzheimers also has far reaching effects on the relatives of people with Alzheimers as well and you must not be forgotten.

If you have not already done so I would give the Alzheimers Society a call on 0300 222 1122 or at the very least look at their website as they could well help you as a family further.

So sorry, chicken. I lost 2 relatives to alzheimer's, there are no words for just how awful it is are there.

Cut yourself some slack, you are only human. It's okay to go to pieces for a while, there is a hard core of strength inside you and you will come back from it and be strong when you need to.

Have they said how long they will be keeping him in respite or what plan there is for his future care?

I'm with you. You need to let yourself grieve, because you have in every meaningful sense lost your father. I'm struggling with it too - my Dad has Parkinsons with associated dementia and it is now progressing very very fast. My mum doesn't want to place him in residential care, but she knows it is coming and she's in bits. It's hard having to be the strong one.

He is only in the home for 10 days,then SS will review & see about Mum having him home.
She says she can no longer cope,she is 75,the GP has already put her on Valium for the stress.
When I close my eyes all I can see is the shell of a man that used to be there.
I thought I was strong after what I went through with my daughter,but I'm not,but I need to be.
pointythings thank you for saying you're with me,I need that.
hookedonchoc so sorry about your relatives,I am soooooo angry at this terrible disease.
I need this support I have no one to turn to who understands.
I know this grief will pass(from bitter experience)but whilst its here,its horrible.
Hold my hand & tell me it will be alright. . . . . . .

Alzheimer's is incredibly cruel. Those moments of lucidity must be very frightening for the sufferer.
how is your mum? Suddenly losing the routine of caring can be very hard.
Yes to grieving, it's hard letting that happen as you can still 'see' them.
It sounds like this respite may be looking to be more perminent? If so does this home have space? Would you want him to stay there or another home? Can you take photo, cushions, blankets etc to make his room feel more homely?

Thanks chicken. Really feel for you. I'm sure you already know from caring for you dd, it is amazing how much strength you can find when you have no choice. Take every offer of help from friends, etc, and don't minimize what you are going through and "cope" when it's not absolutely necessary.

Frustrating isn't it, that just when you are most in need of support you have to fight with SS to get it. If you and your mother stand your ground and say he absolutely cannot come home they will eventually cave in and find somewhere for him. You may than have to fight again to make sure it is somewhere you approve of and your mother can get to easily for visits. It is horribly draining, but once he is accommodated it will get easier and you will be able to do things to make it better for him.

There will be times he is himself, and there will also be times you get to know sides of him you never knew existed. Your mother will find a new routine of visits and home life and the pain will ease. I know it's hard to see now, but this is the worst part imo: the immediate shock and sadness, and the stress of not knowing what comes next.

I know I need to prepare myself for battle (with SS),its a road I have travelled down before.It's just one I don't relish going down again,but I need to for Mum.
We need to look at long term care for him,but will be limited to council run homes due to finances.I'm not sure the home he is in,at the moment,is the best place for him,but it may be the best of a bad lot,I fear.
I fought so hard last week to get respite for Mum,that I feel exhausted at the thought of more.
Why are these things so hard????????

I had two grandparents in homes at the same time, one council one private. I'd have happily lived in the council one no way the private one.
I hope SS see from his move to the other unit, that he needs extra support. Your mum must be exhausted (and in turn you). It's hard fighting for something you don't really want. We had the same situation with respite leading to further care, the home were great and agreed / pushed with SS.

I have also been going through this with my grandmother for the last few years and she has only recently gone into a decent home which is a miracle in itself as for years she was very resistant to all help and, because of this, it was hell for her and for us. What I would advise you is to tell Social Services that you fear for your mum's safety and health, that she can no longer cope with your dad and that if they release your dad back into her care when you feel she is no longer capable of caring then you will hold them responsible for anything bad that happens to either of them. Put that in writing. On no account be guilted into having your dad back, you need to protect your mum.

The truth is that once someone with Alzheimer's reaches the stage that your dad has reached they really need more than one person caring for them as it is just too much for one person to cope with, their needs are just too great. Since my grandmother went into her home she is much better, she sleeps better, she has regular meals and constant company, there is always someone to keep an eye on her or chat to her whereas she spent a lot of time alone in her home beforehand as everyone was out working etc during the day. We are making her room nice and comfortable and see her regularly and it is so much easier as we spend 'quality time' with her rather than being so harassed and stressed by trying to do the day-to-day caring that we don't have the time and energy to just sit and listen to her.

Good luck whatever you do, my heart goes out to all families dealing with this terrible illness.

My Dad had a hospital admission a month ago to assess his Parkinsons medication - he was in for a total of 10 days, my mum blossomed, mainly because she could sleep - Parkinsons comes with sever sleep disturbances and my Dad has bladder problems as well.

The way she sprang back was a real shock to all of us - she and my Dad are in the Netherlands, my Dsis and I live in the UK so we can't exactly pop round, but she sounded so much brighter on the phone. I really think it's the right thing to do, my Dsis, my DH and I visit on a 6-week rota and we gently 'nag' my mum into seeking what help there is. We all agree that getting her to accept the end of him living at home is very near is the way to go, and she knows that too.

However, the decision to move him out is going to break her heart. At least they are financially able to cope.

Thank you for all your advice.
It makes me feel better to know there are others out there going through the same thing,although sad too.
CleopatrasAsp that is great advice about SS and I do fear for Mum if they return Dad home,she cannot cope,but part of me wants him home too IYSWIM.
It's all so very hard and upsetting.

I'm on a similar path with my DDad. It's horrific. Allow yourself to cry it helps.

My grandmother suffered with Alzheimers for many years.

It's a long goodbye.

Towards the end it was easy to lose patience with my grandmother when she couldn't remember who I was, or when she accused me of poisoning her food etc. The hardest part was her asking for her family, all of which had passed away years before.

I used to read this poem to help me understand

Do not ask me to remember,

Don’t try to make me understand,

Let me rest and know you’re with me,

Kiss my cheek and hold my hand.

I’m confused beyond your concept,

I am sad and sick and lost.

All I know is that I need you

To be with me at all cost.

Do not lose your patience with me,

Do not scold or curse or cry.

I can’t help the way I’m acting,

Can’t be different through I try.

Just remember that I need you,

That the best of me is gone,

Please don’t fail to stand beside me,

Love me ’til my life is done.