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Dadsnet

Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

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Original poster

Just looking to understand something ....

16 replies

chattymitchie · 05/07/2010 21:09

Hi, would just like a dad's opinion on something ...

My XP and me split when I was 3 months pregnant, it was pretty horrible - I'm not going to go into it, but basically I was blamed for getting pregnant, for keeping the baby, and for not wanting to move to the middle of nowhere. I'm sure I was also not perfect.

Anyway, beautiful DS born now 6 months. XP stated he only wanted to come down once a month to see him (he lives an hour away). He does give maintenance, but has lied about things to do with the CSA about other assets. He has fallen out with my parents because he never seems to give a straight answer, but always says he wants to be a responsible parent.

Anyway - it's not for me to judge him or his actions, but he's never said he's happy to be a dad, he's never said he loves his son, and he rarely visits. After a terrible visit last weekend where he rowed with my father, he has since phoned and apologised and says he wants to start again.

I'm getting confused about whether he really wants to be a father, whether he really does want to start again? Also, he keeps saying he wants to take DS away from the house when he visits, but he barely knows him, and definitely doesn't know why he cries, when he cries etc. What do you think is reasonable? I've suggested he comes down more often to get to know DS, and that I'm sure he'll then be able to take him out.

OP posts:

TechLovingDad · 06/07/2010 03:56

He says he wants to be a good dad but doesn't actually want the doing part of that.

He's a prat.

If he wants to see more of DS, he needs to show you he means it by coming to yours more often. If he wont, then he doesn't mean it.

mathanxiety · 06/07/2010 05:14

Not reasonable. Don't let him do this. Where is he going to go with the baby? Where would he even change a nappy?

He sounds like a good candidate for hotheaded twat of the month.

People who want to 'start again' do not generally have a good grip on reality and think problems can be got rid of by magic.

Original poster

chattymitchie · 06/07/2010 08:49

Thanks Tech and Matha for replying I was hoping a dad might tell me that he wasn't the arsehole I think he is

I guess I'll take his 'starting again' with a pinch of salt then. As for taking the baby out - I've no idea where he thinks he'll go, or what he would do. It's not as easy as it sounds to keep DS occupied and happy for four hours!
I guess I'll wait and see whether his words and actions match up.

OP posts:

LordPanofthePeaks · 06/07/2010 17:53

He may be an arsehole. Or. He may be just overwhelmed, and 'know' that he is supposd to docertain things but no idea how to do them. A lot of this will depend on his own upbringing I suspect. Also there may be parental pressure on his side to do things with g/child.

He didn't envisge being a dad by the sound of it and as we know being a prent is the most important job in the world and he knows he has had nooo preparation for it. Just a thought.

Original poster

chattymitchie · 06/07/2010 19:24

Thanks LordPan, here's hoping. I can totally understand that it's not the situation he ever envisaged, the same way I never expected to be a single mum. And I understand that he needs time to work things out, but it's happened now, he's had 15 months to get his head round things? Or am I underestimating it for him? I've (willingly) sacrificed everything for DS, termination was never something I felt I could go though with - but I feel like he's just wishing it had never happened, which maybe isn't that helpful now DS is 6 months old

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 06/07/2010 19:39

Well, I'm not a dad, or even a man, but anyone who fights with your family members when he's there to see his son and enjoy his time with him has something wrong. Added to the lying about money, it's not a good picture.

I don't know what would be so overwhelming about the situation that he would feel like fighting with his son's grandfather or that would compel him to lie about money. All he has to do is stop fighting with people related to his son, and pay what he could find out he owes by asking a solicitor. It's not complicated. Just get over himself and pay up. He sounds as if he's too immature to do what's necessary here.

Original poster

chattymitchie · 06/07/2010 20:10

none of it looks good so far, but I guess if he says he wants to start again, for the sake of DS I've got to just see whether he shapes up a bit. I don't want DS growing up thinking his dad doesn't love him.

The saddest thing is, because I've always been blamed for this (and been told all sorts of other totally unfair things), I feel like XP will never accept his son as a good thing, and will always feel resentful and therefore will never really love DS.

Or is that unfair? I just can't see it from his point of view I guess.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 06/07/2010 20:18

If there's any remaining hostility from your exP towards you because you had the baby, then I would insist that 'starting again' on his part would involve dealing with this emotional hurdle. Otherwise he'll just use the contact and the money issues as a stick to beat you with for the future.

He really needs to stop trying to swim with one foot on the bottom here -- either he loves his son and respects you as the mother of his son, and pays up what he should, and behaves himself while with your family, or he gracefully exits and leaves you all in peace. If he sees his presence on his son's life as a chance to aggravate you or some sort of chain that he resents then he needs to acknowledge that to himself and either bow out or get over himself.

There are not many worse things for a DS than having a resentful father involved with him, who has some sort of axe to grind against the DS's mother. Life without such a negative presence would be better.

Original poster

chattymitchie · 06/07/2010 20:33

Yes I totally agree matha - He is doing exactly that, swimming with one foot on the bottom. He's doing all the talk, but when it comes down to it he rolls out all the old resentments, guilt trips me (and now my family) about everything. It's getting a little too much to take (which is why I posted on here!). It's never his fault, and I guess he tells himself that if only I hadn't gone and got pregnant then none of this would ever have happened, so I think he feels justified in never really getting over his resentment. But I guess I don't really know what he's thinking.

Everything I do gets thrown back in my face, and then he makes strange demands (i.e. to take DS out of house when he visits) and gets angry when I'm not immediately agreeable to it. Although he's been told on many, many occasions that he can come down when he wants he's now saying we've made it difficult for him...

God, sorry. Just rambling!

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 06/07/2010 20:48

Tell him he does it your way or not at all, and if he really feels so bad about being a father nobody is putting a gun to his head and making his do anything except what he is legally obliged to do.

Really, this kind of disagreeableness is not good for you or for the baby. He can't have it both ways, loudly resenting the baby but expecting to be allowed to see him and be a dad too -- the aggravation will take over your life and make you dread every occasion of contact. If he is still voicing his resentment, tell him you're setting him free and show him the door.

A single mum who loves her baby and doesn't have to deal with more irritation in her life than normal everyday things is going to be a far better parent than one who is wrapped up in dealing with a human gnat like this man, and having a caring grandfather or some other man in his life is going to be far better for your DS than dealing with a father who resents him even being born and behaves rudely to his relatives and disrespectfully to his mum.

He's had a good deal of time to wrap his head and his heart around this and he hasn't done it yet -- there's no guarantee he ever will.

Original poster

chattymitchie · 06/07/2010 20:59

Thanks matha, I know you're right, but when I do try and say how I think things should be he just starts with 'you're using the baby against me', 'you're so controlling and bullying' 'I don't when enough will ever be enough for you' (about how often he visits and money).

I just can't see a way out of it.

Will see what he says next weekend and go from there I guess. I just don't see that leopards change their spots, and just because he wants to start again doesn't mean he's suddenly going to drop his incredibly long list of grievances.

Am I on my own dealing with this, or have you heard of these kinds of problems before?

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 06/07/2010 21:59

He doesn't have to associate visits with paying his fair share for the baby. He could just send a cheque and save himself a lot of time and apparently a lot of trouble and irritation. Ask a solicitor if you haven't seen one already what your options are here.

Do you really want him in the DS's life (and yours)? You can tell him not to bother if it's so difficult for him. You're not missing anything and neither is the DS.

You're not alone here -- maybe if you copy and paste your thread to the Relationships topic there would be others who would chip in with useful experiences and advice? Figuring out what's wrong with your exP is all well and good but planning what to do about it can benefit from as much input as possible.

Original poster

chattymitchie · 06/07/2010 22:08

thanks matha, I have told him on numerous occasions he can just walk away. Sad thing is, his family are all really keen to come and visit DS, but XP is basically holding everyone to ransom saying they can't come down without him (and he visits so rarely they're complaining that they're missing out) So it's not as easy as just cutting him out, even if he ever agreed to go away!

I did post on the Lone Parents site about his behaviour, but people just said get a solicitor. I only posted on here to see whether I'd been overreacting and only seeing it from a woman's point of view! Apparently not ...

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 06/07/2010 22:35

Find his family on FB? Or see if you can contact them on their own if you know their numbers still, and send photos or invite them. He sounds absolutely horrible if he is even trying to lay down the law to his own family about the baby.

I bet you'd get a lot of responses in Relationships...

Original poster

chattymitchie · 06/07/2010 22:46

I organised a big party for DS arrival recently , and XP's family came down and said to me they wanted to visit more often, I told them that they could come whenever they wanted without XP, but they said they couldn't do that because it would cause trouble with XP.

I was friends with XP's brother on Facebook after DS born so they could see photos etc.

After DS was a few months old XP hadn't invited his family down, so they asked to meet their nephew without XP.

Shit hit the fan, I lost a good friend over it (mutual friend of mine and XP), and XP's brother deleted me from facebook (I'm presuming at XP's request).

Bah humbug. Will see how it goes next weekend and if he's still acting like an arse I'll go to the relationships thread!!

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 07/07/2010 04:13

Do -- I hope you'll soon shake him off. What a pity his family doesn't seem to have the gumption to stand up to him. He sounds like a petty dictator who gets away with far too much.

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