Should I just give up? (this is a bit long sorry)

[WhyIsLifeNotSimple]

Hello,

I am begining to find that my normally very high will to live score is dropping - or should I say falling of a cliff.

My DSS is 16 and going on 4 and consistenly, for want of a better word, "bullies" everyone around her.

She has one more GCSE and then we have to put up with her for 10 weeks!

Behaviour wise we are talking about physical violence toward her mother and siblings, to the point that the youngest DSS is terrified of her. She is always trying to pick a fight with me. She does ABSOLUTELY nothing to contribute around the house. She is verbally abusive, refused to go to bed even though she has thrown her sister out of their bedroom. She will not give DP and me anytime together. She is stealing money from everyone in the house.

The only time she will atleast pay lip service to what anyone could consider to be normal socially acceptable behaviour is when she want something. Last time it was a prom dress that she will only every wear once and cost a small fortune. (Incidently she has now decided that it is the wrong colour and want to change it.) Needless to say the abusive behaviour started on the way back from the shop!

For a little while she went and lived with her father and things were pretty peaceful and functional.

I have tried to talk to DP but she is unwilling/unable to act. It is getting close to being me or the her.

What can I do? If she was my daughter I would have thrown her out. We have already had a spurious complaint to social services deemed to be malicious.

So do I walk?

No. YOu do not "walk" - what kind of response is that to this situation?? How is that fair on your DP and other DC?

Grow up - support your DP as you have (hopefully) been doing so far and between you come up with an appropriate action plan to sort out this spoilt little madam. And if you can't, send her to her father.

The reason I am still here is that I am still here is to support DP & DC.

We regularly come up with plans to deal with her ladyship however DP won't see anything through and her father is a complete waste of space.

This has been going on for ages - my approach is to set some boundaries however she just quiet litteraly laughs in my face.

At the moment she has limitted net access - no facebook/MSN after 9pm however we offered to push that back til 11pm on the condition she at least goes to her room.

She knows exactly how to manipulate her mother and does so on an almost hourly basis.

Even when we took her away against my wishes in the summer she 'forgot' her holiday money and then kicked off within minutes when we gave her some cash. She then went on to ruin what would have otherwise been a lovely holiday for the family unit.

She seems to be under the belief that if she splits her mother and I up then her father (who her mother is still terrified of an not without good cause) gets a look in.

DP is already on Anti Depressants and is emotionally scared from years of sexual, physical and mental abuse. Her EX still has a scary hold over her even 3 years down the line. I just ignore him as there is no reasoning with him and he just gets abusive with me trying to provoke a reaction and always infront of the DC.

Now the 13yr DSS is starting to play up more and more especially after seeing his father or in the presence of his elder sister.

So what can I do?

Sounds like your DP has a lot of issues she needs to resolve herself to start with - she was abused by her ex and still wears the "scars" - mentally more than physically, I would think.

Her DD sees the weakness - and teens are like shucking knives on oysters, they'll use every weakness they see to prise open the parent and expose the soft parts (she might take after her Dad more than is good for her too but that is mere supposition and nurture can modify nature). And now the DSS is starting to play up as well - no surprises there - he sees his big sister getting away with blue murder and thinks "why not?"

What do you do - you have to support your DP to get counselling for her abuse, if she isn't already doing so. Family therapy would be a bonus - the one thing you can NOT do is explain to DSD exactly why her mother and father will never get back together again because it may not achieve anything positive - she is more likely to think anything you and your DP say that is bad about her father is complete lies. She'll learn.

In the meantime - I think you have to take the strong hand here and say to your DP that if she can't/won't manage DSD, then you need permission to do so yourself (within the bounds of reason) - and then put your foot down with DSD. Do not give in. Do not budge an inch. She has seen that she can get her own way, be an absolute vile cow again immediately but still get her own way again next time - this cycle has to stop.

Your DP has to step away if she can't be strong enough to deal with it - she's not doing her DD any favours, allowing her to get this spoilt.

Does that help?

That does help and it confirms what I thought - DP won't do counselling - she had 3 or 4 sessions and then something shiny caught her eye.

DSD's father made her read the court papers when he was served with a set of injuctions (non-Molestation and Occupation orders) and DSD knows exactly what he is like.

I can't seem to reason with DP - Family counselling would be a great idea - I even offered to do some couples counselling or a triple P course however she doesn't seem to be interested and for family counselling to work it means all 5 of us have to go.

I will have another go at reasoning with DP over the weekend assuming we can get some peace and I can get her to sit down with out a computer on her lap.

my dp's dd exactly the same.only came to visit when she wanted somthing.
she stole over £200 from his wallet in our bedroom, then hid the empty wallet in our 2 year olds bedroom....when we realised wallet had gone, we searched everywhere. ds found it in his toybox and handed it to me. i was furious that she did that. when he confronted her over phone, she tried to blame the 2 year old!
her mother even backed her up, fgs.
i tolerated her visits after this for dp's sake, but when she got pregnant at 13, he himself decided to break contact.
she went on to have a baby at 14, then 16, then 17....her mother was pleased .
only contact since then was when my dp's mother died and she wanted the money left to her.
sorry but sometimes you just have to let them go, regardless of love.

btw, just realised, you will not be reading this atm...england playing...duh!

Not all men are into footbore you know! It was on but there was little point from what I could tell.

Just had yet another stand off with the little witch. She needs to go!

And DP is not doing anything to give her boundaries - she has monopolised half the livingroom a whole sofa to herself no less and the largest bedroom in the house empty and with the TV and light on no doubt.

She won't even accept that she is expected to do something - anything in return for priviledges such as internet etc... Aparently that is blackmail and I am a control freak - give me a break.

I am tired and fed up - but that is not enough aparently.

Such is life.

okay...sorry about the football crack!
your dsd is 16, right? well she isnt really a child anymore.
have you tried sitting down with her and asking her to make a list of what she expects from you. then you make a list of what you expect from her. you never know, it might work as this may show her you are willing to treat her in a more grown up manner. but she has to accept that while being treated as a young adult...she must start acting like one.
stepkids are awkward as you feel you have no real authority. as you said, such is life!

Ok Now that is the last straw - 60 quid has gone from my wallet over night and DSD has just wandered in with £50 worth of book vouchers for her Father and a couple of other bits that cost at least another £5.

Considering she was talking about having to make a Fathers Day card cause she was skint last night.....

Arrrgggghhhhh - I was going to take DP out for dinner this evening to talk about things...

I know what my parents would have done....

The poor girl is correct. She has put up with a lot however your assumption that I don't like her is way of the mark. When she is being genuinuely co-operative and friendly we get on fine.

What I have an issue with is the violence, abuse, stealling, complete lack of respect she shows her sibblings and mother, the lack of any contribution to the house and manipulative stuff.

I have and will continue to fight her corner when it is required (ie Helping her and her mother to get her the SEN statement she needed as she is clearly dyslexic etc) and encourage her to make the most of the opportunities that are presented to her. (ie encouraging her to take the 6th form courses that will keep her engaged and interested)

Yes she is troubled and feels conflicted and not suprisingly as her father is still in denial and projecting all his crap and personal foibles on to me and her mother.

Her father it would appear is trying to live vicariously through her when it comes to doing her A-levels etc. He has told her to do a bunch of academic subjects that she might just scrap a decent grade in. However she want to do Childcare and her father's main objection seems to be that there is a pyschology module/element etc.

Her mother and I have both put up a united front and said that we will support her choice and agree that childcare is both vocational and something she would be good at. DP is a childminder.

As for her vacting the living room that is a matter of prinicpal as DSD evicted her sister out of their room so she could study and watch TV till all hours with out being distrubed she should therefore go to her room in the evening. It is about learning to live with her choices etc...

Sigh, you are all having a miserable time :-(

Living with choices is an important lesson but perhaps DSD did not realise that if she had her own bedroom she would be banished from sitting with the family when she wanted to (yes, that is self centred but teenagers are just like that).

In all of this, your DSD is testing your boundaries to the limit and you must need to the patience of a saint BUT you are now in a position of parent and it is your JOB to help her in every way you can and to absolutely try to see her point of view and to maintain a calm maturity. As EHB pointed out, this poor girl has been witnessing an abusive marriage and then the break up of her home at a very vulnerable age. Does she have anyone she can talk to? What does she need money for? Perhaps you could help her find a Summer job, or give her a way of earning money around the house, or help find her babysitting jobs (that would give you and DP some privacy on the odd night in, too).

Don't give up on her!! Stay strong - you sound like a solid, caring man just temporarily driven to distraction. Try to keep a sense of perspective and see DSD as a young girl needing help and support rather than some kind of unwanted house guest. Good luck

Family therapy would be a really positive step in the right direction and would, I'm sure, be very helpful.