how did you/do you feel about your newborn?

[holytoast]

I am looking for a blokes perspective on this really, and hoping someone will tell me this is totally normal! We have an 8 week old baby, and I am starting to really worry about my DH coping with her arrival really - he just doesn't seem to interact with her, and really seems to lack confidence deaing with her at all. She cries when he holds her and he seems to just be clueless about how to soothe her - his attempts usually consist of just laying her on his knees and staring at her, she then inevitably starts to escalate to screaming..it never occurs to him to check her nappy, is she too cold etc, or even just to stand up and walk about with her.

I know a lot of it will be down to the fact that I am just around her more, and have more experience of babies in general, also am breatfeeding, so I always have a really easy way of soothing her, but I would have thought by now he would be getting the hang of things - he doesn't talk to her or attempt to get her attention at all - no making faces or silly noises, even though I have tried to suggest he does.

I have a tendency to be a bit controlling, (ok, bossy!)so I am really trying to just leave him to it when he has her with him for any length of time, so he can work it out for himself, I don't want to make him feel like I am telling him how to do things - but I really have to bit my lip, when she starts crying and I know it could have been avoided. I am going out to do things so that he can look after her on his own for an hour or two, a couple of times a week, as at least if I 'm not there, I am not able to interfere!

I would just like to know if any dads have any advice - did it take you a while to get the hang of things, would you welcome your wife/partner talking through this with you, or would you prefer to just figure it out for yourself? I really dont want to carry on like this, as its starting to make me resentful, and we are very happy otherwise.

Hi Holytoast.

I had significantly different experiences with our 2 children. DD(1) I really 'bonded' with very quickly, largely becasue she was C-section and so with my DW 'out of action' for the first couple of days, I had the opportunity to learn, very quickly, what needed to be done. It was great and everything worked really well. . The hospital staff helped with questions and stuff -and I certainly appreciated having that help, because it is scarey!

with DS(2), despite knowing 'what to do' it really didn't work with him and he would cry whenever I picked him up, until a certain point (unfortunately I can't remember the age) when I made him laugh uncontrollably, and after that everything was fine and he was happy for me to do stuff with him - so kids do behave differently!

If you can possibly try to 'instruct' without appearing bossy, I'm sure your DH would appreciate it. Ask him if that's what he wants though! Communication is the name of the game I think!

I'm sure your childs response to your husband will change over time, regardless of how well (or otherwise) he can change nappies now! I wouldn't worry TOO much about it. IMHO it's important that he's getting what he wants out of the experience, and if you can help to provide that (without being bossy!) then great! If he's not too interested right now, then so be it. I think all adults respond to children differently at different times. It could be that he is going to be wonderful with her as a teenager. Probably a lot more valuable (and difficult) skill than being able to carry around a baby!

Can I bump this? I could have written the OP... my DH seems disinterested at best in our newborn... and he was the one who really wanted a child. i was more ambivalent.

my oh took about 4 months to really bond with dd1. he did still help with her but it just took a few months for that bond to develop. she is not 2.5 and they are really close. i think that he was just nervous at first. when dd2 came along ( massive suprise with just 18 month age gap) i thought he would have a problem bonding as tbh we were struggling to come to terms with having another so soon but it was nearly instant. we have talked about it and he says that it is becouse he knews what he is doing by the time no.2 came along.

It sounds awful, but bonding does happen in its own time. For all three of mine, it happened at different points. #1 immediately, #2 at a few weeks, and #3 probably a few months.

Just remember that he may be scared about even holding the baby in case he "breaks" it, and scared about what the baby means for/about him. It's natural, a big responsibility, and essentially terrifying: you're lucky, he doesn't have oxytocin to smooth the process.

Try skin to skin contact. It's very hard not to feel something for another person when there's not even clothing in the way. Also, it's hard to drop a child who's lying on your chest. If you need to, express milk and get him to feed your dc - and he will make mistakes/do things differently. Even with 3 dcs, I still get things "wrong" :-)

My DP very much wanted DD but I think he has struggled to bond with her - he has 2 older children and it just wasn't the same for him with DD. He found her crying very hard to take and frankly was lazy and shirked helping me a lot while she was a baby. I think he bonded instantly and closely with his first child (still his favourite!) - less well with no2, and I suspect even less well with no.3 - although I would say he is a good Dad (despite how critical this post sounds)
It's caused a lot of resentment from me and it still does as he's still v good at dodging the bits he doesn't want to do.
As a result of this DD has also not bonded as well with him, and I think they both lose out because of this.
I don't interfere or dictate how he parents DD - that is up to him, and I know they get on very well when I'm not around.

Jaynie, it could just be different - it sounds like dc1 and dc2 are boys and that's a different set of issues and worries. (Speaking without a dd though.)

Are dc1 and dc2 from the same relationship?

MrJustabout - DC1 is a boy - now 16, and he is a really lovely lad, he's very easy to like. DC2 - girl age 15, also great. Both from his previous marriage - both nice, easy going kids.
DC3 (mine) girl - feisty, not quite so easy (etc) - I think DP had forgotten a lot about having a baby (the lack of sleep/time/effect on relationship etc, plus I think it turned up a lot of anxiety for him.

First, we don't know what he was like when they were small. He's had a dd before, and has bonded. Maybe he's looking forward to the point where he really started enjoying dc2's company?

I know that really young babies don't do it for me. The smile is the first thing that tells me that there's a real person in there. Maybe for him it's talking, or being able to go out and do something --- it could be lots of things and you should take some solace from the fact that he has been-there-done-that.

Having said that, you're probably right about him avoiding things he doesn't want to do. That's more about human nature than about bonding though!

Eventhough you have asked for dad POV I couldn't read this without posting.

My DH was similar to your OH by the sounds of it. When our DD was born (2 and a half years ago) my DH was nervous and did the whole on the lap staring business. He didn't like to talk to her or pull faces or be silly. He didn't think to check the nappy or check whether she was warm or cold.

After a few months the bond really came. He said he felt so stupid all the time trying to talk and pull faces (I think he was worried people would laugh at him - he's very self conscious)

The turning point was a walk on their own and she poo'd and he had to do it without me telling him or "suggesting" what to do. and from then I think he then felt proud to be a dad and just took to it easier.

Doesnt make him a bad dad or man just took longer than average. Now she's older theyre inseperable!

alexsdad on Mon 14-Jun-10 makes a great post, take a bow.

Ok - I'll say it. We men can be very self conscience out in public.

e.g. I had baby all day today myself, and when she was crying in supermarket this morning my irrational thoughts were people looking at me may think baby was not mine and I was abducting her! It sounds crazy, but this made me feel even more self conscious until a 30 something girl took pity on me and distracted baby attention and clamed her down. What a relief.

So in summary - HELP your man.

We simply do not know what to do most of the time.

Offer advice nicely.

yes, suggest ways to hubby about how to soothe baby. Its not something that will come naturally to most men. My first partner was hopeless and didnt have a clur. He would hold baby in the air, when crying and say "here, he's yours, i dont know what to do with him" This would infuriate and sadden me. . . .but i guess females who have given birth have more idea about how to soothe baby. The best soother of all= bf ing. !

Go out and let him get on with it.

My wife was ill after our first was born, and neither of us had a clue anyway, so I looked after him from day one and had to learn how to do stuff. I loved it. Just be prepared he won't do things the way you do them.