DH not interested in having sex with me

[stradivarious]

so far this year it has been twice. Last year it was around 4/5 times in total. All you Dads out there, your opinions and or advice would be really welcomed.

Some background: Had pnd with both babies and not family support at all, Dh worked long hours so always felt like single parent anyway. As a reult of pnd and antidepressants, I never felt like sex and am sad to say he got rejected a lot of the time, but definately NOT for months or weeks on end. 5 years ago he told me he was not going to touch me again, that hurt but I thought he was just being angry. Well although I hasn't stuck to that 100% he only comes near me like 4 or 5 times a year. Shows no other loving behaviour towards me, no hugs, cuddles in bed, nothing.

I have told him for the last 3 years how sad and lonely I feel and that I want us to have a 'proper' marriage but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears as nothing has changed. I just dont know what to do, I have put up with this for so long now it is breaking me and I feel so ugly and undesirable. For the record I am very well groomed, attractive etc. When asked by me on various occasions over the years does he have someone else he always says know. Can it really be that he is not interested in sex, he is only 46. Please guys, any insight??

Sounds like he was jealous when you gave birth. Before you had children, he had you to himself, then he suddenly had to share you and by the sounds of it, he didn't like that idea.

Saying he was never going to touch you again is one of the most hurtful things he could say. Almost sounds like you have 3 children to deal with.

I might be a mile off the mark here, but it sounds like communication is an issue here. You've made your feelings clear but it looks like you're swimming uphill through treacle.

Are there any underlying issues ? Is work stressful for him ?

I'd suggest arranging a baby sitter so you can go out for an evening to talk things through or even go away overnight without the children so you can have some time together and remind him how it used to be and what he's been missing.

Hope you can get things back on track.

Aw love - is it possible to sit down & talk to him? I know for some people it's a difficult subject to broach, but it needs sorting out.

I had a while there where I hated Dh touching me - seemed like he was 15 & fumbling all over the place, it made me v frustrated & made him feel rejected. The only thing that cured that was a bottle of wine & a heart to heart!

It must hurt you deeply to feel unwanted - and maybe it hurt him being rejected all the time? But that's in the past, it's the future you must look at now & try to talk to him... if he's telling you no about another woman, and he's still there with you, then it seems like there's hope there somewhere.

It's a sad existence living with someone in a non-sexual way if you actually want a sexual relationship with him

OOps, just realised this is in dadsnet - i'm obv not a dad

On the whole I agree with B&M.

Not entirely sure I agree with the jealousy thing though. The OP states she (regardless of the reason) rejected her husband. Now admitedly 5 years is a heck of a time to have a strop, but it is amazing how behaviours and actions can reinforce negatives if you aren't careful.

Telling him you feel 'sad and lonely' is probably not the best way to make you desirable and attractive though, tbh. I agree entirely with B&M that communication is the way to resolve this, but my feeling would be that together you need to find each other attractive again, as people (rather than physical appearance). And frankly, a sad and lonely person would only be attractive to those who take advantage of such people. You need to be communicating positively, not just explaining how badly you feel (do that later, if necessary).

I dislike the word, as I think it means vastly different things to men and women, but I think you need to feel, and to appear 'sexy'. I also appreciate it's a heck of a thing to suggeest that someone can just 'do' - because it does need to be a real change and not just a facade to get a shag (if you excuse the frankness). But these things then do get into more positive circles. The better you feel about yourself, the better he may feel about you, the better your relationship and the better you will feel about yourself.

Just as a side comment. I'm also 46, and for what it's worth (eek - TMI here) in literally the past 6 months or so I've felt my libido dropping somewhat (though I've coincidentally been diagnosed with a medical condition which could explain this, so maybe it's not just the age). It's very, very easy to drop into a rut and you do need to work at things.

I do wish you both the best of luck.

On the whole I agree with B&M.

Not entirely sure I agree with the jealousy thing though. The OP states she (regardless of the reason) rejected her husband. Now admitedly 5 years is a heck of a time to have a strop, but it is amazing how behaviours and actions can reinforce negatives if you aren't careful.

Telling him you feel 'sad and lonely' is probably not the best way to make you desirable and attractive though, tbh. I agree entirely with B&M that communication is the way to resolve this, but my feeling would be that together you need to find each other attractive again, as people (rather than physical appearance). And frankly, a sad and lonely person would only be attractive to those who take advantage of such people. You need to be communicating positively, not just explaining how badly you feel (do that later, if necessary).

I dislike the word, as I think it means vastly different things to men and women, but I think you need to feel, and to appear 'sexy'. I also appreciate it's a heck of a thing to suggeest that someone can just 'do' - because it does need to be a real change and not just a facade to get a shag (if you excuse the frankness). But these things then do get into more positive circles. The better you feel about yourself, the better he may feel about you, the better your relationship and the better you will feel about yourself.

Just as a side comment. I'm also 46, and for what it's worth (eek - TMI here) in literally the past 6 months or so I've felt my libido dropping somewhat (though I've coincidentally been diagnosed with a medical condition which could explain this, so maybe it's not just the age). It's very, very easy to drop into a rut and you do need to work at things.

I do wish you both the best of luck.

Damn - sorry about the double post. Don't know what happened there.

alex's dad sorry, just lurking, but just wanted to say - what a great, well thought out and insightful post

alexsdad - agree with mookie, great post. Thats an entirely different outlook on my situation and a very positive one. Absolutely right, who would be interedt in anyone if they claimed to be sad and lonely, doesn't make them very appealing at all does it. Thank alexsdad, something for me to definately work on, we have so much at stake and it would be terrible for us to not get back on track. Big thanks.

alexsdad, hope your medical condition improves.

I hope it works out, stradivarious. I hope your husband understands what you are trying to do. Changing behaviour is really, really difficult - but you say you have a lot to do it for. I like your attitude, and you sound fab.

Thanks for your concerns and kind words as well, both you and Mookle.

Not an easy call. Can be physical attraction but it doesn't sound like it. Could be worry about more kids unless he's had the snip. Worry about providing for the family. If they don't talk, it won't get resolved.

I know a few dads who feel their role has changed from being a partner to the mother to just being a provider and though some get on with that role (and weaker ones bail out) it can be a hard adjustment to make.

I agree that they need time together and perhaps more than just a few hours baby sitting. Openness and talking through things is imperative but impossible if one party is unwilling.

get on drfox and order him some viagra.

hes whacking off to porn too much too.