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Dadsnet

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Original poster

Why are some men really horrible about their wives?

19 replies

Flightattendant · 12/02/2010 17:01

I was wondering this today...there's a guy at school who seems pleasant enough, but whenever anyone mentions his wife, or if he does, he is always really disrespectful towards her and talks about her as though she is just a nuisance.

I suspect this is a kind of pretence, like maybe he is afraid people will think he is 'soft' if he is nice about her? I can't figure it out.

For instance I asked if she had time off at half term, and he said 'yes, irritatingly'
then he often moans that she doesn't finish things, calls her 'half-job-so and so' (in front of his ds)

and that she can't do this or that

generally just about everything is negative. Are some men just like this, despite being happily married? Seeing them together they tend to bicker, I suppose sometimes people choose someone they can do this with but from the outside, it doesn't look very comfortable.

I wish he would say one day 'Oh yes, she did really well at such-and-such' or 'I know she always tries her best' or even just to talk normally about her without putting in some attack.

I find it really sad.

OP posts:

GetOrfMoiLand · 12/02/2010 17:09

You are right - it is really sad.

I was quite surprsed last week when I went on a trip with an engineer at work - just having small talk, and I asked what his wife did for a living. He was so disparaging about her I was quite shocked - saying that she was only an unskilled worker (she is a nursery worker), doesn't earn very much. He sounded so disrespectful. I was quite shocked tbh, he comes across as a reasonable bloke in other areas. I think it was his tone of voice which was the worst thing - all sneery and scathing.

Mind you a lot of women slag off their other halves as well.

Think a relationship is pretty doomed if there is such a fundamental lack of respect for each other. Think it is very important to hold your DP in high esteem.

Original poster

Flightattendant · 12/02/2010 17:29

I wondered about the other way round thing as well...I don't think it is awful if a woman says 'Men!' while rolling their eyes about an obviously adored husband's preference for rugby over shopping, for instance...if you know they love each other and are usually respectful.

But constantly saying how rubbish they are...I thought the other day 'I give them 2 years really' but was hoping some bloke might be able to put it into perspective, and say 'yes some men do this as a kind of posturing, they still love their wife'

I dunno.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flightattendant · 12/02/2010 17:30

It makes you wonder why on earth they got married really doesn't it?

I suppose this couple must have been together at least 7-8 years...probably more.

OP posts:

GetOrfMoiLand · 12/02/2010 17:34

It's horrible actually.

Thankfully I work with people who are always nice about their partners.

My uncle is like this about his wife. He is always slagging her off in front of her, saying she is an idiot, has a fat arse, is useless. It is a horrible thing to witness (thankfully I don't have a relationship with them any more). Uncle's wife works FT - has a really good job, my uncle is a SAHM and they have 2 dd's aged 5 and 7. But he rules the roost. They hvae been together nearly 20 years.

Original poster

Flightattendant · 12/02/2010 17:47

That sounds hideous...what a git

Maybe it is something to do with the wage thing though...the couple I'm on about, she works FT and is well paid, he does the child care and though he has been studying as well, I think he might feel emasculated or something thus the attacks.

OP posts:

Snobear4000 · 25/02/2010 21:05

Heaps of men and women slag their spouse off. I guess they got with the wrong person, or said, "you'll do" after a string of relationships, with the clock ticking. Or perhaps they were in it for a laugh and then someone got up the duff.

Now they realise they are with someone they don't respect, and they have to let off steam.

Or... some guys just think it is the guy thing to do to slag your woman, it proves you're a man or something. It is sad and those folks are best avoided.

ABetaDad · 25/02/2010 21:20

Snobear - you hit the nail on the head:

"some guys just think .... it proves you're a man or something"

Typically the sort of blokes who mock other blokes for not wanting to stay out drinking all night with phrases like "whats wrong, wife got you under her thumb has she?".

I used to work with a few - complete PITA to be with.

SuziePanna · 01/03/2010 11:54

My husbands always like that!! He moans and groans all the time, 'Do this!' 'Where are my sandwich?' 'Get back in the kitchen!'. Sometimes he says it as a joke but sometimes I'm not sure if he's serious. We've only been married a year and i'm afraid the honeymoon period is over! I think it must just be what guys are like!!!!!

:D x x x o o x x x

Suzie

PressSend · 01/03/2010 12:05

I find this sad too. Especially in front of a small child who is learning that it's ok to mock mummy. For no particular reason. Just mocking her, disrespecting her and belittling her as a default.

I used to work with 30 men and there were only five women. The men used to hide behind their wives iykwim. Oh I could never get a pink slip for that night out. The wife wouldn't allow me to buy that car/wear that/drink that/eat that/do that. They all did exactly what they wanted actually.

RustyCoathanger · 01/03/2010 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

heQet · 01/03/2010 16:56

I bet he thinks it's funny.

If my husband talked about me like that, I'd be sporting a nice new pair of earrings and a funky bracelet!

GetOrfMoiLand · 01/03/2010 17:01

'my boyfriend's always mean and asking for his sandwich'

Wtf?

Are your boyfriends 8?

SallyJFreedman · 01/03/2010 17:04

lol

zazen · 17/03/2010 16:48

I'd be making plans to leave Suzie before you get worn down by ignorance. Not all men are lazy knobends.

A lot of men actually use their wives not to hang out with other men - "I'll see what herself inside has to say about that weekend away" - either they don't have the money (big face saving then) or they don't have the inclination (bit rude) so they come up with an excuse that they are henpecked.

TBH I think abusing your wife to others is a sure sign there's abuse at home also. Poor women having that to come home to. Fingers crossed they can negotiate FOR themselves the life they deserve.

megonthemoon · 17/03/2010 17:02

I loathe loathe loathe this. I actually even loathe the half joking roll of the eyes "I'd better check with her indoors" or "the wife will have a fit" - it shows a lack of respect for your DW in front of others. I don't say "I've got to check with my old man" or even do the whole "Men!" rolling my eyes thing - again it would show a lack of respect for my DH.

I remember on my pre-marriage course that this was one of the things I said that I loved most about my DH - that he never belittled me, even in jest, or called me 'her indoors' or pretended he was under the thumb etc. He was a bit surprised but very pleased that I had noticed that he didn't do that. It's all about respect.

So anyone who slags off their DW or DH in public with even more personal comments "he/she's fat" or "he/she's useless" - well absolutely no respect from me and no desire to want to be their friends or even be around them much. If they can't respect the person they are supposed to love more than anyone, why would I want to be their friend?

KristianMHR · 28/05/2010 13:27

Most of the time, from a man's point of view, if the women weren't so controlling over what we did, we probably wouldn't have anything to moan about.
I love my wife dearly and never slag her off to anyone, but if something is bothering me I'm not going to stay quiet about it and not talk to my mates about what's going on.
Some blokes do go on like "oh her indoors" and crap like that, and yeah most of the time it's sad and predictable, but that's just because they're either making excuses. Unfortunately though, some men are with controlling women who although they love them, feel very oppressed by them.
I used to (note, used to!) race motorbikes and often spent weekends away with the other lads I did it with and we all got the same crap off our wives when we want to do things or dates come up for something important. If my wife wants to do something with her friends or go away for the weekend, she's welcome to and I would never stop her from doing something she wanted to. But my wife like many others always has something to say about me wanting to do something and to be honest, it gets on my nerves. Doesn't mean I don't love her. If I didn't I'd just leave and live a batchelor's life where I could do what I want.
The freedom to say something about it is a small thing to ask.

KristianMHR · 28/05/2010 17:10

RE above

Lizum · 02/07/2010 22:58

PressSend - I worked in a similar place. It wasn't nice how they talked about their wives and it made me feel uncomfortable being one of 3 women in an office of 20 men. They're nicer about their OH where I work now, thank goodness.

TechLovingDad · 06/07/2010 03:53

I have a 'mate' who loves to slate his Mrs to me. He also loves to talk about how great he is, how tough he is and how all the women fancy him. He's a knob.

His wife, is quite a bit younger and runs her own business. She seems to hang on his every word and works extra hard to make up for the fact that he can't be arsed.

Kristian, if you've been working all week and then have a whole weekend away from the family then your family are going to miss you. Especially if you do something, say two weekends in a row. If you can come to a compromise you won't have to moan about her indoors .

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