Help us, help a friend re custody of his son?

[Dotgreen]

Had a call from DH's friend asking advice with referance to his son. Background story 13 years ago friend was in love and about to get married. Girlfriend pulled out of the marriage but, had their son. (he is now 12 yrs) So they never married Friend is named on the birth cert as Dad. Ex-girlfriend a difficult re contact with their son. She cannot cope as a single mum looking after kid and gives the lad to her mother to look after. She then finds out that Friend/Dad has a new girlfirend comes around to his house with a knife, threatens them. Then calls the police and says the opposite and has him arrested. Friend is not charged as there is no evidence against him. Very aggressive problems continue. Until friend marries new girlfirend have two children and supports his son and son's granny. Friend tries to include son in holidays and stepmum loves him to pieces (we are unoffical godparents) Life goes on with ex being difficult but son living with granny and seeing Dad.
Phone call last night that Mother of son is now making threats that she will kill her son verbally on the phone. Son want to live with Dad but not leave granny. (he is her carer now!) Police already informed. Mother this week has said he can live with dad but will not allow him full custody of his son (he has been there before) Should he take his son in on her terms (no legal papers) or go for a custody battle again. He fears that during the process of fighting for his son she will harm his son, his other two children and his wife. Where can he go for advice? What should be my advice to him? HELP!

Point him in the direction of Families Need Fathers (FNF isn't the same bunch of weirdos as 'Fathers4Justice'). Families Need Fathers will be able to offer him sound advice over the phone and, if he joins, access to all sorts of useful information.

In general, though, FNF recommend avoiding court unless all other alternatives have been exhausted. Court often increases the conflict and it's impossible to predict which way a judge will rule. Generally, however, a court will order to maintain the status quo.

My gut feeling is that the absolute best thing your friend can do for his son right now is to take him in. He won't be breaking any laws or shooting himself in the foot legally if he does so with the mother's permission. More importantly, he'll be showing his son that he (dad) is there to look after him (son). Knowing that his mother doesn't really want him must be heart-breaking for the poor boy so a bit of TLC and stability will do him a huge amount of good.

It's difficult to advise further without knowing if there is already a residency order and if your friend has Parental Responsibility but FNF will be able to give him a proper view.

Snorbs Dotgreen here! Haven't got time for a name change again. Great advice. Yep! that what I told him last night take him in. Only problem is that his school is in London and they live 100 miles away! Small details when you think the biggest peice of knowledge you need as a kid is that your dad loves you and will protect you. Cheers I'll suggest the website.

Ah. The distance complicates matters somewhat but it's not an insurmountable issue. Right now at least, it sounds like mum, dad and son all want son to live with dad. The obvious answer then is that son moves to live with dad and changes school to a local one. Problem solved, albeit with a big upheaval for son. If all are in agreement there would be no need for any legal case as courts prefer parents to work stuff out between themselves if possible.

The problem then changes to the possibility of mum later demanding son moves back to London. If there's an existing court order awarding her residency, she would be able to do that although dad could then go to court and argue that son was living happily with him with mum's consent. Given son's age, his views would carry a lot of weight in court.

If there is no existing residency order but dad doesn't have Parental Responsibility (which, as he wasn't married to the mum when son was born he won't have unless it has been explicitly allowed) then, again, mum could demand son back.

If there's no residency order and both parents have PR, then they're much more on level ground and the court would likely go with the status quo of son staying with dad, particularly if he's settled into a new school and son wants to stay there.

The other issue to consider is that if son moves to live with dad, dad will be able to claim Child Benefit for son as well as child maintenance off of mum for him. That might rock the boat (particularly if mum is still claiming the Child Benefit even though son is living with granny). On the other hand, dad would be entitled to make such claims. It's a difficult call.

Thank you Snorbs. I agree with everything you say just needed my advice to him confirmed. I don't think he is worried about child benefit at all. I told him take son on her terms. Then over the years,hopefully, like a house, Dad will have squatters rights over his son
In the mean time, I'm going to see if son can visit us his godparents. One saturday (we live closer)bring some spare clothes and shoes. Leave them with us and tell him while this is being sorted if he is ever scared, to walk into a police station or grab a cab and get over to our house anytime at all. Hope this will reassure him he is not alone.

If he hasn't got PR then at the very least he needs to sort that out ASAP. Without it schools won't talk to him, he won't be able to organise medical care etc. It's important. If the mum is agreeable then they can organise it via a Parental Responsibility Agreement. Sign the forms, get them witnessed, send them off, that's it. If the mum's not agreeable then he can apply to court for a Parental Responsibility Order which he will almost certainly get. If there has already been a residency/contact court case then PR would likely have been sorted out then.

Good idea on giving the boy an escape route!

O, I see I'll tell him that.Thanks

Snorbs I also posted this on legal advice. I received this reply. She is a legal expert and I will e-mail friend with both your posts and let him take it from there. Again Thank you.
This is a very worrying situation. Children needs stability in their settings.

It is a good thing the Police has been informed and the necessary information logged in their system for future reference.

With regards to the her proposals, if he is not concerned with the proposals that the son is to live with him, he can arrange to see a solicitor on a fix fee basis for that to be drafted into a Consent Order for the seal of the Court. This means that she cannot go back on her word and take the child from his residence (dad).

In any event, if he is afraid for the safety of his family the Police should be notified.

If he decides to apply to the Courts for a Residence Order, the Court determining any question with respect to the upbringing of the child, the Child's welfare and his best interest shall be the Court's paramount consideration.

Also, the Court shall have regards to the wishes and feelings of the child concerned considering his age and understanding.

With regards to the ex attending the family home, there are options available to him such as a Non-Molestation Order or Occupational Order to prevent her from attending the home and harrassing him or pestering him and the family.

Visit your local CAB or get an appointment with a solicitor to explore all options.

Best of luck