Men!!

[thesunshinesbrightly]

Sorry to invade Dadsnet but need some help, if any of you could give me some kind advice, please be gentle with me.

My son has never seen his Dad, he has never wanted to know, wanted me to get rid of him etc.... 7 years later, i have his phone number, do i call and give him a chance? or do i explain to DS when he is older what happened etc..

Plus, if truth be told i am terrifed of his Dad not because he is violent but of my feelings towards him, i hate him for leaving me and never getting in contact to find out how his son is so on... but he was my first love and i dont want feelings to surface again, sorry i'm not very good at explaining myslef.

I am not a dad .
Has your son been asking about his dad?

Yes he has questions like, why hasnt he got a dad? why does he not see his dad, honestly it is breaking my heart, i'm torn on what to say, do i phone him? what if he rejects him again? contact at first will only be with me there i dont know if i can handle seeing him again. i know it's not about me, but this is so hard.

Thank you for your reply.

I am at a a loss on what to advise.
No doubt others will be along with more wisdom/experience.
It is a big gamble. Could have a very happy ending, or could backfire if his dad makes contact then disappears.

I commend you for thinking of your son's best interests in this.

Do you know through mutual friends much about his birth dad? Has he turned into a decent human being? ( I am judging him as not that decent 7 years ago which may be unfair)

Do you have any personal reasons to be swayed in the direction of contacting /not contacting him?

Is there a mutual friend who could "sound him out"?

Hi thesun...

I am a girl btw

My ex also left when my little one was young.

She, like your son, has asked questions all her life and the best advice given to me was to be honest with her at all times.

You do however need to adjust the wording and content of what you tell them according to their age, but the most important thing is to reassure him that you love him and that nanny, grandad, auntie, uncle etc..(not sure who you have around) love him very much too.

I know how you feel with the gut churning feeling you get when you come close to contacting the father but he made his choice and I assume he knows where you two are. If this man had changed his mind and wanted to be involved he would do. Im sorry if I sound harsh or this is not what you want to hear but after spending many years holding on for him to come back into our lives I finally had to make my peace with it and move on.

As Jasper says (I think?), Im sort of picking up that you still have feelings for this guy but it has been seven years. Do you know what he is upto now? How would you feel if you found out he had settled down and had children?

This man has missed out on your son, which is his loss and I do believe that a child is better off without a dad than one who could continually let him down. Be proud that you have raised a lovely boy.

I really feel for you, it is hard but whatever you decide, I hope things work out for you and your son xx

Thank you both for replies, in the end i decided it was best for my son that i did not contact his dad - he know's where we are.

My son is lovely and i am so proud of him, he is my world and he know's i and family love him very very very much.

His father has made no attempt what so ever to contact my son. I will not put him up for heartbreak

I thought maybe i did have some feeling left for him but i know it was just a down moment and the wrenching feeling for my son and nothing else.

Coming from a very badly broken family myself, if I was you, I would try and maintain contact with his dad and just keep his details just in case your son wants to contact him at any time. Whether to meet him or have a go at him, he may need it some time.
Sometimes kids need to find out for themselves why a parent has never been around.

I think I'd be inclined to hold off doing anything until your son is a lot older. He's still very young, and the last thing he needs is the possible rejection from his dad.

Your son has only ever had you - If he gains a dad when he's older, that's great, but I can't see why a guy who didn't want his son, and has made no effort in 7 years, would change now.