How does a bloke prefer to be chucked?

[Flightattendant]

I thought it might be pertinent to get some male opinion on this one before I start, iyswim - hope one of you dears can assist

I'm not actually 'with' this guy but he thinks I am...or have agreed to be...or am sort of 'in love' with him [cringe] mainly because in a moment of nostalgic woo I said I was, a bit but anyway - this is an ongoing saga of him offering me some weirdy long distance arrangement and me saying 'hmm maybe' and him saying 'well I could never support you all but I do love your children' and me saying 'yes you are very nice but I am OK on my own and you annoy me too much' etc etc.

He lives a long way away, and is, I have finally realised NOT the answer to my hopes and dreams because in reality he IS really annoying and strange...sadly. He is also only in love with his own fantasy of me. Never the real me.

So...latest is he kept ringing me up in a stalker like fashion even after I said it was pissing me off (politely hinted) and then he did stop, by which time I was convinced I needed an injunction (well exagerration but you get the idea) and then he sent me a Christmas present with some weirdy pictures of himself.

I have gone quiet. What do I do? I want to let him down gently as he is the type who never gives up - and I'm frankly scared of him, I suppose, perhaps irrationally - so, these are my options:

1. Ignore for a few weeks or months - he always comes back after a bit, to check if I am feeling nostalgic again yet - but this isn't really fair.

1. Write him a long letter about all the reasons I can't really love him (tried a brief version of this a while back, he wrote back nicely, resignedly, I made the mistake of taking this as a sign he was 'lovely really' and let it start again (yes my fault)

1. Tell him I have met someone else (I sort of facy someone but that's definitely not going anywhere, he's married)

Which from a male POV would hurt the least and get him to stop following me and find someone real to love?

I don't want to upset him again, I feel like a cruel beeatch as it is, but I don't seriously think he wanted a proper relationship anyway. We've never been to bed if that counts for anything.

Thankyou if you have any votes or further options to suggest.

Unfortunately you have given him a couple of mixed signals letting him think that maybe there might be something between you.

Best write him a letter and tell him clearly that you would like to start a relationship with someone else and that you do not want him to contact you again. Then block his email, text and phone number.

If he persists then you need to take firmer action but need to be absolutley clear you do not want a relationship. Polite, clear and firm is what you need to be.

Thankyou very much ABD - that's most helpful. Yes, I have given him some mixed signals and that's not fair - I know it's my own fault.
Even when I have been quite clear in the past he's still clung on...tbh I have wanted him as a 'stand by' in case I don't actually meet someone I really, really like - and have tried to convince myself I could settle for him, which isn't a very good idea, obviously - and he has done the same with me I think. He's had other relationships in between times and has a complicated range of friends and occasional lovers I think - but recently he's said he isn't looking for anyone else. I wish he was!
Anyway yes I will have to face up to it and write to him properly. the thing is, when I'm in the phase when I am fed up with his weirdness, I don't feel like writing to explain, because I don't reckon he'll take any notice anyway...but I suppose I have to be clear and then at least I have tried.

Thanks for not being judgmental about it. I just wondered if there might be a sense in which he'd be relieved not to be told, as it were - and just to let it drift. Saving face for him iyswim.

Don't let it drift, us blokes are not hot on hints and hidden messages - clearly stated is much easy to understand.

Say "It's not me, it's you" .

Just be very very straight and clear. ABetadad is right - no ambiguity whatsoever. You might feel like a bit of a bitch, but it's probably the kindest thing in the long run.

Thankyou very much.

I wish I had not let it go this far! Don't know what I was thinking, deluding myself - there were times I thought about sleeping with him, that sort of thing...just desperation I guess.

Not that he isn't lovely but there's something vital missing. I can't explain what so tried to pretend it wouldn't matter.

Ok will get writing...

pmsl LeQ

I'm putting that exuse in my back pocket LeQueen in case I ever have to dump anyone. Genius

Well believe it or not I had a bloke like that once.

It was the biggest thing I had ever seen. It was a shame he had no idea or inclination re how to use it.

ohhhh, flight what a waste

Not sure you need to chuck him as nothing has started. Just ignore his calls or do what I did today, after ignoring a few texts, tell him you don't want to stay in touch.

Anyone who sent me wierd photos of themselves - whether I have a relationship with them or or not - would find themselves dumped from such a height that their face would end up thrugh their arse. How gross!

Anyway, stop being so NICE. It's getting you in all sorts of trouble. Say you've met a woman or something, anything, just get out out out!

LOL af yes it was a waste! But actually too big is possible. It was fairly uncomfortable having ones cervical area whacked like that.

I've known this bloke 20 years...I can't just ditch him that quickly iyswim.

I think a time lag and then a sort of delicate conversation may be the best way - so he has time to guess something is not quite going to plan.

' it's not you it's me.. I like you as a friend' and change your sim.

Well actually it's been OK after all. I'd written this note I put in with some books of his a few weeks ago, that his Mum was delivering to him later. I was quite 'in love' when I wrote it so was worried about saying anything yet because then he'd get that and it would make zero sense...it was quite soppy.

However, I turned on my phone last night after charging it, and there was a text saying he had got the note, and 'understand, as always' then some stuff about how ds wouldn't be happy with a substitute dad anyway, etc etc (he is v fond of ds - which is a shame and why I wished I could love him, he'd have been a good dad to him)
and I remembered in the note, alongside the soppy stuff, how I'd aactually said that I probably can't focus on a relationship as well as the children, or that they need me first or something along those lines. So he obviously took that as a 'thanks but no thanks'...which makes me wonder really because it was kind of what he had been suggesting to me when we last spoke. I think really he is relieved, and wants me not to want him to be their 'dad' or support us...I dunno. But it ended OK, we just are back to being friends again I think.

He is a great guy, and in many ways ideal - he'd make a great husband - for the kind of woman who really likes being got everything she desires, and followed about like a puppy, and given lots of massages. He tends to want to be very submissive and adores women really.

Something about it doesn't really work for me - I am sad that I'm not the right woman for him. But it would be easier if he weren't so blardy nice about it!!

I know. Can't be doing with that. It just makes me feel like I am being mean!

Just curious - how long has this 'relationship' been going on?

An given the fact he lives a long way away, how often have you seen him?

Why Earlybird...are you thinking he might be married or something?

I mean I wouldn't dismiss it out of hand but have no reason to suspect. We have several mutual friends, his Mum lives up the road, etc etc

and I wouldn't really care all that much if he was, I suppose. It would definitely mean he wasn't a friend any more but as I said, we've never slept together or made any kind of commitment.

I suppose I've gone a year or slightly more without seeing him at times, other times he's been around every few weeks, or months...it's variable.

Went to school nearby and all that. He's just an old friend really.

No - not thinking he's married at all.

Just wondering how long the relationship has lasted. And how much of it is based on reality vs fantasy.

Well, we started hanging out when we were both 15. Nothing ever happened, just lots of mutual interest I suppose in a 'he's rather interesting' kind of way...never fancied him really. Mentally we can be great together - good conversations etc - but we sometimes jar a bit.

The fantasy thing is just that he is very willing to devote himself to the cause of any reasonable female, really, and I have had few friends over the years, rarely a successful boyfriend-type relationship, so was quite happy to play along and use him as my 'good friend turning into boyfriend' fantasy, because I am always afraid there will never be anyone. It has made me feel safe at times to have a bloke in reserve - not that that is a good thing.

But when it comes down to it, I couldn't really be in a happy relationship with him so it's just a pointless illusion on my part. Plus I tend to think that a man who is so submissive is secretly rather angry with women, and that would be thrown back at me one day if I were to be with him properly.

I've only just put it into perspective and seen what's really going on, and it's a relief as for years I wondered if he might be actually 'the one' in disguise...you know that old myth/fairytale.

It's been more than 20 years.

...btw it was only in the last few years that we even kissed...it never went further, and it was nice but for me I need to have the future planned out a bit before I can really enjoy that kind of thing...I mean I need to 'know' someone is a keeper, iyswim. So it was always rather brief.

or, try a variation of LeQueens beautifully-crafted answer and say that his dick is so small it is damaging you psychologically, but has nonetheless opened your eyes to the manifest wonderments and possibilities in this world and you thank him for that.