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Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

Can I get a male perspective please?

7 replies

howdidwegethere · 22/03/2009 16:00

My dh told me 2 months ago that he doesnt love me any more and now he wants to leave.{sad} This came out of the blue as far as I was concerned. We've been married 20 yrs and have 3 kids. There have been no big issues as far as I know - we are comfortable financially, work is going well - he runs his own business which is doing well despite the recession. The kids are getting older, the youngest is 7, so at least we are getting a nights sleep which wasnt the case for nearly a decade. I was looking forward to doing more things as couple now the kids are becoming more independent.
He says there is no one else - for what it's worth I believe him. He's adamant that our relationship can't be repaired. The only way he can be happy is to leave me. He's devoted to the kids and seems to think if we separate amicably they will be alright!!
He's started going out most nights (which he didn't do even when he was young). He won't talk to famly or friends he has known for years. He says he is talkng to "people" and they say he has a right to be happy.(?).

For all his bravado I think he has low self esteem. At other times he would admit he finds it hard to accept praise. He's very good at his job but is suspicious of compliments.

He is in his late 40's. Is this a mid life crisis? Am I kidding myself that we can get through this? None of the reasons he's given are dealbreakers as far as I am concerned? I love him and want to make him happy. But how can I help him if he doesn't want my help?

I would really like to know what you men and especially dads think?

OP posts:
howdidwegethere · 22/03/2009 20:01

Bump?

Anyone???

OP posts:
AnyMothersDayFucker · 22/03/2009 20:04

not a bloke

however, I'm sorry to say I would think there is a high probability there is someone else, even if it hasn't got physical yet

or if he hasn't, he certainly wants to

I am very sorry

Lulumama · 22/03/2009 20:07

am also not a bloke, but i agree with anyfucker

he says he does not love you and wants to leave

he is adamant your marriage is beyond repair

he goes out and won;t talk to people you have been close to for years, but says other people says he has a right to be happy..

who do you think these other people are? blokes down the pub? new friends? people at work? or a mistress/ girlfriend?

if he has made up his mind, regardless, there is little you can do, although having to accept things are over when nothing big has happened must feel intolerably cruel

it might be a mid life crisis, but irrespective of that, he does not want to be married to you and you cannot force him to stay

i am sorry

AnyMothersDayFucker · 22/03/2009 20:14

blokes, come on

GLaDOS · 22/03/2009 20:22

They never answer threads like these, for good reason. It's prpably a biot like their DW's asking 'do I look fat in this' - can't win - especially if they're honest!

And to be honest, men are individuals. Therer really isn't a male perspective oin this I think. It's an individual one and you are the one who knows him more that anyone.

Scary as it is you have to accept his feelings and let him explore this. You can't force anyone to stay and you need to keep it together for the kids.

A trial seperation might help him get some perspective on things. How about saying that you respect his feelings, but are very scared.
Some time apart might help you reconnect, you never know. Whatever happens he is still going to be in your life with 3 kids.

Sometimes the thought of being left is worse than the reality too. Try to think of it as a time for you both to refind yourselves.

Easier said than done, I know.

Littlepurpleprincess · 24/03/2009 14:37

And if you split up amicably your kids will be ok. It will be difficult but as long as they you love them and will always be there for them, they will be ok. Trust me, my parents split up (not amicably I have to mention) and I'm still here, I'm fairly well balanced and I'm a good mum to my kid. Don't beat yourself or make yourself feel worse because of your children, it will only do more harm than good.

You could try asking him to be honest with you, give him the opportunity to talk about it. It may be another woman but accusing isn't fair without proof. He may be depressed. Give him a chance to talk, then accept what he says. A trial separation is a good idea but don't drag it out. Set a time, make a descission and stick to it.

You could try talking to Relate or your GP about some guidence.

Good Luck. X

NK65alot · 27/03/2009 15:52

I agree with GLaDOS. There is no easy answer. DH has at least made his position pretty clear. Probably he has been fighting with this for a long time without letting on and only now got to the point where he feels he really has to move on.
I suggest give him some space and get some space for yourself too. If you want to get him back you have to "win" him back, not rely on a ball and chain or forced conversational approaches like "lets talk about this..."

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