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Original poster

Wife says I do nothing all day

32 replies

Jeremyll33 · 06/03/2009 11:47

Some days are easier than others. I'm able to get a few small jobs done. DIY isnt on the agenda when they are around as it usually is dangerous.

But when it gets too much I just let the house go and messy. Then DW comes home and hits the roof even though I was depressed that day, accusing me of doing nothing all day.

If I mention my feelings to some women they make some crap comment about how we men now know how it feels like I am the biggest sexist on earth (not true)

I feel the role of SAHD is totally underrated. I have huge respect for women in my shoes when they get fed up an down. What say others?

OP posts:
wotulookinat · 06/03/2009 11:52

My DH was a SAHD for a year and then we swapped roles and he went out to work. It IS hard to get stuff done during the day, and luckily my DH understands that. Saying that, I am incredibly lazy! And you're a man, so you obviously sit looking at Sky Sports all day or listening to Talk Sport

DaddyJ · 06/03/2009 11:56

How old are your kids?

I am not a SAHD (bit of an unfortunate acronym, mind..)
but I try and spend most of Saturday and Sunday with our lo,
very often by myself.
Which has taught me that, yes, it's the equivalent of doing serious work!
Carving out time to do anything else, even washing up, is a challenge.

My suggestion: hand over the kids to your partner at the weekend for at least half the day.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 06/03/2009 11:57

I say that if you were a woman, posting that your husband was coming home from work and hitting the roof because he felt you'd done nothing all day, you'd have a thousand posts saying what a bastard he is, and how hard it is for you.

so yes, because you are a man, it seems it's different. Hugely unfair for you.

Have you spoken to your wife about just how bad you are feeling?

ABetaDad · 06/03/2009 11:59

I am not on my own that much with the kids but when I am my DW usually comes home quite late so what I do try and do is to make sure the house is tidy, kids fed, showered and ready for bed by the time she comes home.

I try and do this as a sort of 'welcome home' present as I know it can be a bit of a 'downer' walking into a messy chaotic house.

I try and get the kids to help and explain why its nice to Mummy to be tidy and ready for bed. I am not sure how old you DCs - maybe they are too young to do that with.

One thing I do try and do is keep them to a 'wind down to bed time' routine that gives me a 30 minute quick tidy up time.

I know that you are on your own a lot so my position is not comparable but I hope maybe the idea of a regular end of day routine helps a bit.

Sorry to hear you are getting that kind of response from women. Not nice.

phdlife · 06/03/2009 12:01

hope I haven't got the wrong end of the stick here, but it sounds like you may not be functioning as well as you maybe could, because you're depressed? That's bound to make being at home on your own 1000 times worse. Does DW recognise there's a serious mental health issue here (if there is one)? Sounds like you need to get that sorted before anything else will fix itself.

beanieb · 06/03/2009 12:03

Are you depressed? Have you thought about getting some help?

BonsoirAnna · 06/03/2009 12:06

I think that if you sit around in a mess all day you will feel depressed. It's a vicious circle.

You need to work out a routine to get the domestic chores done (as it really isn't fair to your DW to come home from work and to find the house in a mess if you are a SAHD) that will take an hour a day for routine tidying plus a couple of hours a day for bigger jobs (a big shop; the ironing; hoovering and dusting right through the house; cleaning the bathrooms and loos; cleaning the kitchen). When you have done those jobs every morning, your day is yours to do whatever you enjoy in a lovely clean house .

MuppetsMuggle · 06/03/2009 12:07

can you explain what gets too much??

I am a SAHM (sort of), I sometimes think my DP thinks as I don't work I just sit on my arse, as when he gets in the house isn't as tidy as i'd like (I'm quite a tidy person). I have a routine going now which helps and I get my DD to help when shes not a pre-school.

Can you not encourage the children to help, agree with ABD about a wind down bedtime - ours is between 5-7pm, 5-6 is tidy up all toys, I hoover, put DD in a bath and then into PJ, by 6 she is ready for night time drink and in bed by 7 - for me to get things tidy my way lol. Can you get the children to help get dinner ready for when DW gets home??

Original poster
Jeremyll33 · 06/03/2009 12:27

Yes last year when son was two and daughter four I was definitely depressed. I was drinking too much beer and feeling extremely low. But thanks to TV chefs like Jamie Oliver I've got into cookery and have fallen in love with food and gardening for it. I rented a plot of land last summer and grew tons of veg and my self esteem rose. as well as our health - we've almost been never ill since. I make our own muesli and yoghurt - food I take very seriously. But wife just says that its something I enjoy so it doesnt count.

Son started KG January and I was able to go out biking and Nordic skiing - I don't live in the UK btw - I regard fitness as important to well being as food this year. That makes a difference but when you get housebound it sends the stress levels quite high, esp when the wife doesnt know how it feels to be in this position.

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 06/03/2009 12:29

That's not very nice or supportive of your wife, to diss your interest in food and health . One of the roles of a SAHP is to take care of the family's health and an interest in gardening and cooking is an extremely valid way to undertake this. And it is allowed to count as a contribution to family life even if you enjoy it - work doesn't have to be penance, FGS .

MuppetsMuggle · 06/03/2009 12:38

at your wife, shes not being very supportive at all - maybe role reversal is needed for a while?!

the fact you are very interested in the health of your family and the good food you are producing for them, is definately counted as a very good contribution to family life. Do you keep the family home tidy, amongst doing the other things and things you enjoy??

Have you spoken to your DW about how you feel? and what she would consider keeping a good household??

CapricaSix · 06/03/2009 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Jeremyll33 · 06/03/2009 13:14

I think this year it may be easier growing stuff. Last year my two year old kept walking all over the plot! It drove us mad so it ended up lonely, even though I wanted to share it with them.

OP posts:
beanieb · 06/03/2009 13:15

jeremy - Are you a SAHD out of choice? Perhaps this role split is not good for your health. Perhaps it might be worth looking for work and re-thinking the division of labour so that you both get to do what you enjoy and both have to share the housework/childcare. Or if you both went back to work full time you could get childcare some other way?

you say that DIY isn't on the Agenda when your kids are around but now that they not around so much because they are in School or nursery maybe you could start to do some of the DIY jobs you have wanted to do in the past but weren't able to?

Even though the biking and skiing may be important to you is there any chance you could cut down and use that time to do the jobs you found difficult to do because the kids were in the way and maybe in danger?

susie100 · 06/03/2009 13:22

Poor you,you sound very isolated and lonely. Are there other fathers near you who are stay at home parents as well.

Your wife sounds very unsupportive. Is she unhappy about being the breadwinner?

fryalot · 06/03/2009 13:32

I am a SAHM and the rule in our house is that I will do all the housework. That's that. It gets done to my satisfaction and if it is not good enough for dp, he will have to do it himself.

If I have the odd day where I don't feel like doing much, I don't do it.

You sound as if you want the house to be tidier though, but lack motivation... if I'm right about that, it may help if sit down and do yourself a "cleaning rota" which you stick to, leaving plenty of time for mumsnetting a bit of leisure for yourself of course

I also think it will benefit you to get out of the house and meet other stay at home parents - mums or dads, but obviously in your situation, SAHDs would be preferable.

You should also talk to your wife to make sure that she understands your POV, she obviously isn't taking your efforts seriously if she thinks they don't count if you enjoy them!

dittany · 06/03/2009 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BonsoirAnna · 06/03/2009 13:45

Well no dittany, because SAHMs are women. So they talk about shopping and decorating and going out for coffees... there is plenty of that going on around here

dittany · 06/03/2009 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nontoxic · 06/03/2009 13:49

No, that's because we're all busy scanning MN.

I agree with previous posters about doing regular stuff each day -it's tedious, but then working people have tedious, repetitive things to wade through each day - and you do feel better if the house looks okay.

Now, what shall I do next - ironing or cleaning bathrooms?

choosyfloosy · 06/03/2009 13:54

Really feel for you Jeremy. Sounds like it's your wife who hasn't adapted to the role split tbh - you've made huge changes and good ones - that's amazing that you're managing to grow stuff, I have not so much as touched the garden since ds was born, and he's 5 now! your children will really benefit. should get a little easier now the littlest is 3?

I love cycling (wouldn't call it biking - very tame) and as soon as ds was 3 he started to be able to do it with me. How old do kids have to be before they can Nordic ski with you? Getting out of the house is a really good way to feel better.

Pace Anna, I can't see any reason why you should spend the whole bloody morning cleaning. I need to get out of the house in the morning or I feel sh*t. Start training the children to help you tidy, do tidying races against the clock with them, and think (jointly with your wife) about employing a cleaner. Does she clean up her own office at work? Shouldn't think she does. Same thing IMO.

solidgoldbrass · 06/03/2009 13:59

Thing is, Jeremy, who does do the washing up, the laundry and the tidying up? If the answer is that your wife does all that as well as being in full time paid employment then she does have a bit of a point. If the answer is that you do it when the DC have gone to bed, then it would be reasonable to say to her that if it's your job you will do it when you have the time (ie if your DC are very demanding at present then housework can and should take a back seat).

beanieb · 06/03/2009 14:01

"Son started KG January " and so I assume that your daughter is also in some kind of child care or school?

Maybe you need to do what others have suggested and draw up a plan so that you can get your job done and then spend time persuing your leisure activities.

QueenFee · 06/03/2009 14:04

Personally as a SAHM I keep out of the house most of the day so they don't have chance to trash it! We go to toddlers etc (and yes SAHDs go too) then do jobs in the afternoon that are out of the house shopping/ library visits etc then we are only home after the school pick up. Then only have a couple of hours to make a mess until we tidy up before dinner and bed.
Cycling is great for kids - get a trailer , mine love it.
Hoping to help by giving some ideas but I know we all have days when housework just dosn't happen!
BTW I wouldn't have time for a veg plot so well done for that!

CapricaSix · 06/03/2009 14:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.