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What is it like when women meet up?

9 replies

Jeremyll33 · 06/03/2009 11:43

As a stay at home Dad living in conservative Germany there aren't many of us here in the same boat as me. I feel extremely isolated here and unappreciated tbh. But I always imagine the ladies have a far better social thing going with each other, it being easier for them to meet and chat on an equalk basis. The mothers at my local kg are really nice but beyond chatting at drop off and pick up times it goes no further than that. They all seem to be able to mix with each other more than me. It gets quite lonely.

Anyone understand this?

OP posts:
CapricaSix · 06/03/2009 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mazzystartled · 06/03/2009 12:47

My cousin is a stayathomedad in the states and he says that he has often felt quite excluded from things

I guess a lot of bonding goes on amongst pregnant women and the whole shared experience of childbirth etc. However, I reckon once the children are a wee bit older its just a question of doing what everyone else does. Go to the groups, invite people for coffe or to meet in the park. You just need to find one or two likeminded souls and you're laughing.

LotsofLovelyShoes · 06/03/2009 12:49

sorry for you.

can you join an organisation/sports club/get some part time work/work for a charity....anything to get you out!

Galava · 06/03/2009 12:51

Agree with mazzy, go to the groups etc and through yourself into the whole social thing, but dont come over as too desperate... that would put me off

tbh, its not easy making friends with complete strangers I just think women are good att putting on a good act.

You will find someone with similar interests .. it make take time though ..

Othersideofthechannel · 06/03/2009 12:51

Having been a bit lonely as a SAHM in a different country, I don't think it is just because you are a man.

You definitely have to make a lot of effort to go out and meet people.

iwontbite · 06/03/2009 12:52

we have a couple of SAHD;s at one of the mother and toddler groups I go to.
I think that, although it's hard, you need to get out there and chuck yourself in at the deep end.

I find it easy to chat to parents of either gender, but I guess to some mums it's just a bit of a surprise when a dad comes along cos you don't see so many of them lol

but go to groups, meet some people i am sure they'll be as accepting of you as they would be your partner

TinySocks · 06/03/2009 13:01

Don't be shy...
I live abroad, so I am involved with the expact community. We have one SAHD who is really actively involved. He comes to outings with us, organises weekly playdates in an indoor play area. And has actually made friends with a couple of the mums.
He is a really nice guy.
He doesn't come to the weekly coffee meetings (I think that would be a bit much).
Give it a go.

choosyfloosy · 06/03/2009 13:18

Can only answer from a UK perspective, sorry. I think it is harder for dads. There's quite a few on the parent circuit round our way, but i must say i have only perhaps twice invited a dad and his kid(s) back to mine for coffee as I did for lots and lots of mums. It's getting a bit easier as kids get older though.

Unpicking that, there were several reasons - I always felt/feel embarrassed at the 'exposure' of the kind of chat I go in for with other mums to the male gaze - i just assume the guy thinks it is pretty vapid - a lot of other mums would too, but when you and the other mums perhaps don't know each other that well, you tend to do a lot of lowest-common denominator stuff - yucky post-childbirth stuff initially, then how the kids are doing (not competitive I hope), current favourite children's books, sometimes 'what a lovely top, really suits your dd', all the stuff that other women as well as men complain about on here which means they hate parent/toddler groups. I don't mind it, in fact I find it comforting and easy, and many of these relationships have developed so that we can talk about much more of a range of stuff. However, whenever a man is there too I clam up and feel they must think I/we are brainless. I therefore would not TBH automatically invite a dad to a group thing, and I do feel a little bit cautious about inviting a dad to my house on his own with kids in case he thinks I am making a pass and recoils in horror!

So having said all that, the best possible answer IMO is to invite people to stuff you want to do, and keep chipping away at it. I would say it took at least two years in the UK (in an area I moved to when pregnant) to have a social circle, for people to actually ring me and invite me to anything at all, rather than me making 90% of the running. Don't assume it has to be other dads, although you may get a better response from women if you invite them to take the kids into town/for a walk/to a gallery/for ice cream/soft play etc etc. Ask for numbers and write down names, names of children, things about them that will jog your memory ('Jane, translator, 2 kids, partner SAHD wd like to meet up, tues best day, phone 234398' sort of thing).

The most important thing is not to expect more than one aspect of the person to click with you - if they are kind, and happy to have you over, and you can find SOMETHING to talk about, that's a good start; if they are funny, and love to meet for a great boozy night, well great, even if they are not interested in meeting with children. Persevere, don't expect bezzy mates on every corner.

Also I am still after all this time scared of intruding into cliques that don't want me, so someone I have a big chat with one week I may only smile at next week - prob v frustrating for people but I am petrified of overstepping the mark. Snot easy but it's better than the alternative.

ABetaDad · 06/03/2009 13:27

What is it like when women meet up?

Well there is one way of findng out - just go and read the other threads on MN and dive in.

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