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Dadsnet

Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

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Original poster

i need to tell her

27 replies

newyearsecret · 30/12/2008 12:32

I need to tell my wife of 5 years - we have two kids - that I am a crossdresser. I know I should have told her years ago, so please do not tell me that.

Or I think I need to tell her - help, suggestions, experiences, please.

And if you have worked out my usual name here, please do not blurt it out.

Thanks

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

littleboyblue · 30/12/2008 12:36

Yes you do need to tell her. It must be very hard for you to do, but she deserves to know and you deserve to not have to hide away and live a lie.
How old are your children?

AnAss · 30/12/2008 19:37

No experience of this but just wanted to wish you all the very best.

There must be some sort of support group out there for cross dressers, surely?

Hope you work it all out x

PS Sorry about my name - I've been on that nativity thread.

AnAss · 30/12/2008 19:40

Found one!

here

Very best of luck.

Stubbleonchin · 17/01/2009 23:23

Public dressing or just for private 'pleasure'?

fryalot · 17/01/2009 23:26

when my (ex) father in law died, we discovered that he had been a cross dresser.

We were both very very sad that he had never felt able to tell us while he was alive.

It will be hard for you to tell your wife, and it will be hard for her to hear it, but it would be even harder for her to find out about it if you don't tell her.

Good luck

purpleduck · 17/01/2009 23:32

Is she openminded about those sorts of things...?

northwest1 · 23/01/2009 08:36

maybe she knows already? do you hide your clothes?

northwest1 · 23/01/2009 08:36

well obviously you do.

flaminhell · 23/01/2009 08:58

I dont want to sound silly but, do you think that it is worth losing your family over, I dont know or have experience of cross dressing, but I cant help feeling if this was me, then I would not want this from my dh, so what I am saying is, is it worth more to you than your family? Could you try to find an answer to your need for this, to try and maybe control the urge, the need, or is that an impossible task?

TiggyD · 16/02/2010 14:13

Try www.transpartners.co.uk/ for more info.

loujay · 16/02/2010 14:22

Hi,
I am the wife of a sometime cross dresser. When my husband told me i was surprised but not disgusted etc etc etc...........He had worked himself up into such a state over telling me, I knew something was wrong and was beginning to suspect an affair, so to find out that it was cross dressing was a relief(IYKWIM).
Tell her the truth, all of it, she may not be as surprised as you may think, and then you can work through it together.
Love Lou xx

WeddingDaze · 16/02/2010 14:24

I'm hoping that after a year he has worked up the courage tbh.

TiggyD · 16/02/2010 14:30

Some people keep it secret for decades. Usually because they love their partners so much they don't want to risk losing them.

tartyhighheels · 16/02/2010 14:32

newyearsecret - I just wanted to show my support for you - clearly you ahve to say something to your wife and I really hope that it goes well and she can accept this. I do know that this is not a choice you are making and I guess if you could just stop and make it go away then you would.

Get some advice if you can from the organisations above but really it is going to be hard for a time at least in the short term. I do know if this were my husband I would not have a problem with this at all, I would be disappointed that he hadn't told me straight away - but I would also understand why.

Sorry I cannot advise because I don't know you and your family but really the very best of luck to you all.

Flightattendant · 16/02/2010 14:35

Gosh,

well, actually, the first thing that springs to mind for me is that dear little kid in Billy Elliott...kind of transposed into a grown up.

I have no problem with it.
In fact the image that keeps flitting back into my mind as we speak is of the great tall masculine bloke I am slightly obsessively in love with at the moment, in a petticoat with lipstick on.

I would still really, really fancy him.
Maybe that makes me a bit odd! But seriously...do you think she would object? Have you sounded her out re other blokes doing it? That might be a good place to start.

I would find it a bit strange if the man I loved wanted to do it publicly, as it would possibly hint that he was trying to be sexually attractive to others, not me...iyswim. But otherwise, fair play. I think it's very sweet. [hoping not to sound patronising!]

WeddingDaze · 16/02/2010 14:48

Over a year old people!

Flightattendant · 16/02/2010 14:50

No way!

Oh who dragged this up.

Sabes · 25/02/2010 09:31

Agree with Flaminhell honesty can actually be extremely destructive. Make sure you fully assess the consequences...good luck.

maltesers · 10/06/2010 09:44

As Flaminhell said you need to think whether its worth telling her as she may react very badly and the marriage will then be at stake. I imagine though that you are desperately wanting to let her know and get it out in the open. Does she have any inkling ??
I suppose you feel its an important part of you, being you, and that she should know. I hope you can get this awful problem sorting out when/if to tell her.
Best of luck.

chrispt · 24/09/2010 18:12

This seems like an old thread but thought i'd get involved.

I would go to a site that could help you chat with people how have not only gone through this but also support your particular kink. (www.fetlife.com is a great site)

Although it is a fetish, you need to approach it as a hobby. This is something you enjoy doing and your wife isn't directly involved. But you obviously love her and want to include her in this.

Maybe talk to her about any fantasies or kinky elements that she'd always wanted to try but never had the opportunity. You never know, she might surprise you. She might even ask you to try on her clothes :)

There's nothing to be ashamed of. Although it's not my thing, i'm sure i'm into other things just as depraved :)

Just because i like vanilla ice cream doesn't mean i don't enjoy a scoop of strawberry or chocolate sometimes.

Good luck and keep us updated.

TiggyD · 24/09/2010 22:40

Please ignore the bollocks from Chrispt.

A fetish for some undoubtedly, but most transvestites would be deeply offended by calling it a fetish.

Transvestism is the wearing of clothes normally worn by the opposite sex. It's Latin for cross-dressing. Cross-dressing could include a huge number of people depending on how you define it. Think about how many men leap into dresses as soon as a fancy dress or charity event comes up. Women in trousers are not thought of as wrong or odd now but they were in the past.

It is a fetish for some, but for most it's a way of expressing their innate feminine side: they spend all day being competitive and manly and butch and need some femininity to 'balance' themselves again.

It tends to start around puberty and for many there is a sexual element, but not for everybody. Transvestism is more about gender than sexuality.

It very, very, very rarely goes away. There's always a need to let your feminine side to express itself occasionally just to feel normal. Many men hide it for years thinking it's wrong and they will lose the love of their partner if they find out. That denial of their true selves can totally bugger them up. Years of lying to the one you love must be terrible.

Transvestites are NOT all gay, though I think a few more than the regular rate are. Transvestites do not want to become women. Transvestites are no more likely to be perverts than cyclists or trombonists.

Like I said before try www.transpartners.co.uk/ for more info. Or message me at [email protected]

chrispt · 24/09/2010 23:00

I meant no offence. I would hope a differing opinion could be expressed without offhand dismissal and insults. I'm sure you would expect no less.

I was lending a supportive post that i thought was being nothing more than friendly and well wishing.

I never implied anything more than this is something that may be best approached in a way that will help ease the OP's partner into the idea since the fear is obviously there.

Good luck with your situation and i hope all turns out exactly how you hope it to.

Kind regards

TiggyD · 24/09/2010 23:16

But your opinion that transvestism is a fetish is wrong and is responsible for much of the anti-trans feeling there is in this country. For most is is to do with gender, not sex. Many people have an opinion that homosexuality is linked to paedophilia. Many people have an opinion that black people are lazy. Many people have an opinion that employing women is not worth it due to them having maternity leave. Opinions can be wrong and harmful.

chrispt · 24/09/2010 23:35

A fetish doesn't have to be sexual and i resent the implication. It's an element of your lifestyle and self that can be enjoyed and is often only truly understood amongst those in the same situation. I am not in OP's situation, so can only offer my best wishes & support.

There was no "anti-trans" feelings and i can only hope that you can broach the subject calmly if you don't agree with a point of view.

Tone down the melodrama and say you don't agree if that's how you feel. I'm sorry if i offended you or anyone else.

Once again, @newyearsecret, I hope everything sorts itself out. I'm sure everything will work out fine.

TiggyD · 24/09/2010 23:54

I'm sure there were no anti-trans feeling from you, but mumsnetters will associate fetish as rubber catsuits and whips (As on the Fetlife front page). That has little to do with tvs.

Big hug

I do wish people would write and fill us in on what happened on threads like these.

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