Would appreciate an honest male perspective on this sad situation please

[anychanceleft]

My DH and I have had problems for the last 3 years, he is very unhappy about the way I am, have gained lots of weight whilst pregnant with DS who is now 3. To tell the tale briefly, he says he no longer finds me attractive, he loves me like a sister, but not in love with me, says the sexual attraction has gone. I feel betrayed by him, feel he should love me for me, not how I look, but on his side of the fence can see that I really am not the woman physically he met and fell for. Because I receive so little affection from him, it makes me very sad and then very resentful. We have got into the habit of just biting at each other all the time. Last weekend we had another big row, he is very verbally abusive when we row telling me how awful I am an that he can't respect me when I look so dreadful etc etc, whilst I know this is way out of order, over the course of time it's destroyed my self-esteem.

He wants to give it until Summer to see if I can "sort myself out" and us work on trying to get the old us back, but until he finds my physically attractive is doesn't want any physical intimacy as he feels it will give me the wrong signals and make me think everything is okay!

I feel devastated that he could say all this, he says he feels that I don't care about him or our relationship, as if he had changed so much and I had asked him to change back he would have done it for me. He sobbed last weekend, whilst rowing, I have never seen him cry in the last 10 years.

Part of me hates him for all that he has done, and I suspect if I get back to how I was the damage in my head is monumental and perhaps too much. Do you think that we are doomed?

Doomed? This rang bells in my head! Similar situation.. Why should it be just you who needs to sort themselves, yip we all may let ourselves go a bit and not really realise it, we all may go into our own 'bubbles'. Whilst i can say we never rowed, we bickered like the new child in our life, it took an affair to clear the air (but time has helped the healing). Please do not let that happen, you have recognised the potential signs and now you need to find a mutual ground free of Ds to really talk about you and him imho, get back tot the little things anad surprises and really appreciate what you have and where you want to be for yourself and each other. It may sound simple, but truly it is, from there i think you may have abetter idea of what you both want..

I can identify with some of this (from the mans side), although not to this extreme.

Straight "no holds barred" answer coming ....

It seems to me it is very usual for a woman to "let herself go" after pregnancy. For a man his slim, sexy, sophisticated young wife suddenly becomes an overweight, tired frump. I know that is totally unfair but it is what men see. So no surprise they become less affectionate and maybe throw more admiring glances at the slim, sexy, sophisticated young girls in the office....

You say you have gained lots of weight. I don't know how much obviously but I would say the critical thing is to ask if you intend to do anything about it? If you would approach your DH maybe you could both work together to get yourself back to the way he expects. If not then I would think, at best, your relationship will continue downhill.

I spoke to my dh about this, and read him you posting and the replies. I asked him to imagine it was me we were talking about. About being the way he expects - He says Bollocks to that! His words.

Apparently we women have done an amazing thing nuturing, birthing and feeding children - and as he as a man can't do it, couldn't do it even if he had the potential as he's a wimp [his words!] he as my husband is in no position to judge those who do do it, me. Apparently I've been generous enough to give away my old body and accept a new one so he can have children - and that makes me the sexist woman alive for him.

He agrees he may have nostalgic memories of teenage nubile things, but imagines I do too [he's right] and so we all have to just get old and get over it.

He's either being really a wonderful human being - or he really wants some sex tonight. Either way it's the male response you asked for from one man out there.

I've read it back and it sounds like I made it up but I didn't honestly!!

treedelivery, asked my dh and he agrees with yours, even used the word 'bollocks'.

He is more attracted to the slightlyy wobbly, stretchmarked me as I made our beautiful dd.

That said, I did work very hard to regain something of a figure after dd, but so that I could feel attractive. DH is pleased I'm happy but would never 'expect'.

I'm not a man but I agree with NK65alot to some extent. As it's been three years since your child was born is it possible that you might feel happier in yourself if you did something to change your weight?

How does your weight make you feel?

NK65alot - thanks for your honesty I do appreciate it, I am doing something about it, unfortunately the more he has criticised the more down I have felt and the less action I have taken, completely vicious circle! I have now got to the place where I am doing it for me and no one else.

You girls with good supportive DH's are so lucky I am green.

Let's hope the New Year brings happiness

I think you need tobe honest with him and say that you want to lose the weight but to do that you need his support not his constant criticising as that is what gets you down in the first place.

Anychanceleft - your point about the vicious circle is a good one and the fact that you recognise that is what is going on makes a huge difference. I hope you can break out of it.

Anychanceleft ? I cannot really sympathise with your DH. As treedelivery explained giving up her body for kids is the most attractive and selfless act possible. However, most women are not like the lucky ones who walk out in their size 8 jeans (I know a few) and getting back to their pre-pg stage is hard to do with all the stresses and strains of new motherhood.

My DW is pg with our first and I am loving the way her body changes by the day, stretchmarks and all. When I first met her she was a slight 5? 6? young lady and I accept over the 10 years she has ?filled out? as her body has changed. All women?s bodies change in time and he should accept that. I love my wife more than I did when I first met her.

Going back to task if he makes you feel uncomfortable about your current appearance then show him up. It is hard to do, with many distractions and with unsupportive husband this makes it doubly hard. All I can say is go for it, show him that you will not be walked over or humiliated. I hope things go well for you and that it gets sorted out.

tosh, I agree with trees wonderful dh, its life, we age, we change in mind as well as body and your dh is behaving like a petulant child.

I would work on dropping some weight, but not for him for you, get your confidence back, all it will take is one glance from another man and he will be there in a heart beat.

My DH thinks this is nonsense, in so much as he has given you an ultimatum to get thin or get lost. This is most unloving and unhelpful.

I put on a lot of weight with my DC's - 4 stones. I eventually lost it when DS was 6 months old, but because the time was right for me. DH never put any pressure on me per se, but he also knew I was unhappy and that it made me miserable, so he was just very encouraging and supportive (still is as it's a battle to keep it off).

When DH looks at pictures of me when I was larger now he just says "I never saw you that way - you never looked that big in my eyes".

And I believe him - and even if it's not true, the crucial point is that he cared enough about me to spare my feelings and say the most supportive thing.

That's why, TBH, I'm not completely convicned there is a future for you and your DH because it sounds to me like he's just not a very nice person - sorry.

Perhaps you could offer a trade with him? You will try to lose weight and he can try to develop some depth to his personality?

It can't help that he's making you feel like you have to lose weight because he says so.

It should be your choice if/when you make any changes to how you look. I hate being told what to do. Even if it's something you planned on doing anyway, someone nagging you about it makes you reluctant to start as it feels like they've won or something (that's probably quite a childish attitude of mine but there you go!).

Don't let his criticisms bring you down. He should be supporting you.

i feel as if could be heading in the same direction as you anychanceleft. im pg at the moment and feel so tired all the time that i dont make any effort with my appearance anymore. we also have a 3.5 year old. i do ask OH if it bothers him and he tells me no because he understands what im going through. the thing that worries me is , what if im not able to get back to who i was after the birth. i know how easy it is for daily life to become your priority and all of a sudden, your legs havent been shaved in 3 months and you forget which brand of moisturiser you used to use. i know how you must be feeling, the only advice i can suggest is, you need to be happy with yorself before anyone else will be. if you feel that you want to lose weight then tell your OH this, but make it clear that you will need his support. can he take on more responsibility at home to allow you time to perhaps join a gym, or even allow you your own space in the evening to have a long bath/do your nails/ tan/ hair? my OH is in the navy and i find it even more difficult when he's home to get time by myself to do these things as i feel i should be spending all my time with him. its a case of taking back your time. does your OH have a hobby or something he spends time on that you dont share? if so, explain to him that you are now going to be your own hobby. at the end of the day, if it means you are feeling more confident, then you will be alot more attractive to him. confidence is very attractive, insecurity is not, and by criticising you he is making you insecure. i hope this helps.

OK - I say give him until summer to sort himself out.

I don't mean physically. he is undermining your self-esteem very badly, which in turn willmake you think you don't care about yourslf, and harder to do the things you would like to do for YOU.

Be very assertive with him. Tell hi that after 3 years of motherhood you need some time for yourself. Use that to do things that make you feel good. Excercise is excellent for raising your spirits and your self esteem, making you sleep better and giving you more energy. Get some fight back in yourself!

Go for it with the excercise, not for him, but for YOU. Then, decide whether you do actually WANT him or whether you felt you needed him because you were feeling so low / unattractive.

Don't make him resposnible for your happiness, your happiness is not safe in his hands, he has demonstrated that. You make yourself happy.

Also, check whether you or he could be depressed.

Good luck.

Not a man, but you really can't let your DH get away with casting this as "all your fault." Either he's an incredibly shallow human being or there are other things going on either between you or within each one of you. Some counselling could help you both address these issues. I think you should make this part of accepting your DH's ultimatum (if that is what you choose to do, and it's a hell of a situation he's put you in).

BTW not incidentally, my DH isn't here to ask, but I am as sure and certain as I can be he'd say something similar to treedelivery's DH.

Firstly you should lose weight for you not for him!I would be wondering is it the weight i need to lose or him???I used to be really skinny and have put on weight i,m certainly not who my husband first met but does it make him love me anyless?no.I thought love was unconditional?I would love my husband what ever he looked like.I know i need to shift weight but i will do it for me so i feel better and am healthier, i certainly would,nt lose it because my husband had blackmailed me.How could he say those things to you?you don,t do that to someone you love and surely the more he knocks you down the morw likely you are to overeat and put the weight on?! so really hes bad for your health

I hope your DH is a prime specimen of malehood OP.

I think I would be asking him to put the boot on the other foot and ask him whether or not he would expect me to love him if it was the other way round and he put on weight or turned grey or lost all his hair. Make him think about what he is saying. He is offering conditional love (he will love you on condition you look like he wants)- I hope he doesn't expect any more from you.

As a matter of interest are you really much larger than you were. There is a big difference between somebody who has gone from a size 12 to an 18 and might be considered overweight and somebody who has gone from a size 8 to a 12 and is still considered normal and healthy.

Either way, I agree if you want to lose weight do it for yourself to make yourself feel good and not for him.

In all honesty I think I have seen enough on MN to know that even if you lose the weight he probably won't be happy.

Sorry I am not a bloke either btw.

Sorry, I'm not a man either and sure I shouldn't be hijacking Dadsnet ..... but I think most women feel the same after children.

We don't all have husbands insensitive enough to say it to our faces but I'm sure a lot of them are thinking it (despite my DH also putting on a lot of weight during my pregnancy and since DS was born).

In terms of how you feel, weight isn't the only issue you can do something about. I'm 8 months pregnant at the moment and feeling like a blue whale, and never lost the weight I put on after DS1. Yesterday however I put a dress on and some tights, blow dried my hair and put some lipstick on - noe of which I've done for a while. My husband came home and told me how lovely I looked and I felt a whole world better.

God that makes me sound like the most shallow Stepford Wife in the world doesn't it. I would get thee to the hairdressers and have a pedicure and a leg wax. Then order a home grocery delivery and flirt wildly with the delivery driver - no matter what he looks like . Try to make sure your husband is there at the time.

Sorry I haven't replied sooner, thank you all for your comments, I plan to carry on with getting me where I want to be for me and no one else, then I am going to seriously assess my situation and see what changes he is prepared to make and to be honest if that will be enough to bridge the huge chasm that is between us.

Have you thought about going to relate?

Jux make's a good point. And given that it's easier to change your weight than your personality, I'd say you have the march on him x

Honest opinion? This is going to hurt, sorry - but I think your marriage is over. Your husband no longer finds you attractive, doesn't make you happy, disrespects you quite badly. I don't think Relate is the answer, really. I'm not surprised you are feeling angry and hurt, but I do think it's best to face up to the situation and make some plans of your own.

Put myself out on a limb, but the 'weaker species' - male. do have feelings too. I wouldn't say that it was over unless you have talked (to MrsMattie). I would have to agree with the general concensus that it isn't your fault though. No excuse but a male finds it harder to adjust or reason that he is wrong and sometimes they are the devil themselves. Throw away your bra and empower yourself in or out of this relationship.. (imho)