What did you do on the big day?

[brightonlad]

I'm quite apprehensive of the big day, partly because I have no idea what my role should be. I realise I have to absorb a tirade of abuse and recrimination but what else?
I know the occasional back rub can go down well but my DW tends not to like people fussing over her in times of stress.
What did you guys do that went down well? How did you make it through the whole experience? I appreciate it's the Ladies that have the rough time in this situation but it must be very upsetting watching someone you love endure that much pain.

Saw this in unanswered messages and wanted to bump for you.

I'm a Mum not a Dad but I can tell you what DH did to help me.
DS1 - long drawn out labour - walked up and down hospital corridor with me, kept chatting even when I didn't respond, stayed positive, listened to staff and relayed to me if I'd missed something. Most important held drink for me, and put vaseline on my lips. (Do not forget these in hospital bag!)

DS2 - v quick - drove like a maniac to get me to hospital on time, then nothing else at all - just stood back and watched!

Talk to your DW/P about what she thinks she'd like you to do on the day - she's probably nervous too! Then just listen to her needs and try to help where you can. Remember that the birth is just a tiny part of the whole thing - if you get it wrong and are hopeless it won't matter! DH was fantastic after the birth when he just held DS1 for hours while I concentrated on recovering. Get stuck in with helping with LO straight away - you can help with positioning for BFing and burping/nappies etc while still in hospital, don't wait until you get home.

HTH.

brightonlad - U will never know the experience and you will never be able to comprehend it. imo if you talk before hand you will know what each other expects.(trust me we didn't and i feel bad to this day). DP felt very alone, by her own admission, because it was a personal pain. Difficult to answer but klsd hit the nail on the head, be there for the early and all years. best of luck to you both.

typo for all read All and every,,

typo for all read All and every,,

Don't fight her for the gas and air

DPjust sat there in a state of shock.I feel I was quite amenable during childbirth.The first time I had gas n air and he was laughing at me cos I was rambling incoherently "Are you pissed?" he asked at one stage Number 2 was a very quick birth.I distinctly remember his goofy face when he held them both for the first time,though,and I think he was grabbing my leg and yelling "Another push" when ds appeared.You'll be fine.When you see your baby it will be lovely.Good luckIts a crazy thing,but after a few months you will realise it is worth it.First few months take a lot of adjusting to though.Go easy on your partner,remember she has Given Birth,and nothing will be quite the same again (In a good way,most days)

Just had a recent thought: Imagine 'The Hitch Hikers Guide to the galaxy', its a work of art, has some funny items/discourse, do you really understand all of it? Can you relate to all of it?,, Did you enjoy and participate?

Just enjoy the inevitable ride of your life..

If this is the first time round then I have these gems of advice from my personal experience:

1. Pack, re-pack and pack again the "emergency bag" (you know, the one you keep by the front door to grab on the way out - it has everything you'll need for the birth in it. Mostly snacks.) I treated it like going on a climbing trip. Seemed to work.)

2. Don't drive like a loon - you'll halt labour. Oh how we laughed the third time we got sent home.

3. Ensure that, even though she's incoherent with pain, you are au fait with what she wants and can convey it to the nursing staff (also make sure you've had the conversation about what she wants to happen if she can't manage the pain on just a cup of herbal tea and some tiny, tiny sugar pills from the quack homoeopath.)

4. Reassure her, once the entinox kicks in, that the midwife is not Morgan Spurlock from "Supersize Me". Roughly a dozen times.

5. Laugh when she remembers that time she thought the midwife was Morgan Spurlock from "Supersize Me" (even though it literally just happened.)

6. She cannot breathe underwater. Do not let her try this in the birthing pool.

7. Do not, I repeat NOT stand in front of her with your legs apart holding her hands when she is having an epidural administered. She will unwittingly kick you in the nuts at the behest of the evil puppet master masquerading as an anaesthetist as he jiggles her spinal cord around with a needle.

8. For Christ's sake man! She just kicked you in the nuts once! Why did you let her do it again?

9. Eat all the trail mix.

10. Keep offering her water

11. Remember: the correct name for the disposable vomit bowl is "The Cardboard Cowboy Hat of Shame"

12. During the birth you might try singing whale song to her but only if it is absolutely clear that this is supposed to be a joke and she's definitely going to laugh. Otherwise everyone will think you're an arse.

13. Don't mistake a baby's fat vulva for testicles and tell your wife that your new daughter is a boy.

14. Don't ever, subsequent to the above, ever boast about your B in O-level biology.

15. Hold the baby as soon as you can. You won't drop it. They wrap it in a really rough towel because you didn't get the nice soft one from home out of the emergency bag.

16. When driving home in the car, by yourself, remember that that smell is you.

17. Oh, and pack shorts and a tee shirt. it's like a sauna in there. That's why you honk like a bin-man's bum afterwards.

That just about covers it. Print this out, laminate it and keep it in your pocket. you'll be fine

PMSL BarcodeZebra!!!

Beware that babies don't always come when they are supposed to.

DS1 decided to make his presence felt at 3 1/2 weeks. My waters broke, but labour didn't start. The consultant decided not to induce me, as this is the last stage of the development of the lungs - but insisted that I be kept in hospital.

Because I had been at work until a week before, and because I was superstitious about buying stuff too early, we had nothing for the baby beyond a couple of vests and a packet of newborn nappies - which were too big anyway, given the early labour!

DH was duly despatched to Mothercare with a list that started with 'pram', 'carseat' etc!

Fortunately I had done my homework and knew what I wanted, so was able to specify brand names, etc - and DH had a great time whilst all the women in Mothercare took pity on him!

So - moral of the story is, get involved now as well as when she is going to the hospital.

Class from BZ.

Can I add:

• when she tells you to fuck off (for no real reason), don't. The next line will be "And where the fuck do you think you're going?"

This little homely exchange in front of folk who you have never seen before will be totally forgotten very soon. But not by them, as they snigger over it's retelling in the hospital canteen. But don't worry about that.

Be patient
Be calm
Be on her side
Try not to moan about how tired you are - she will be utterly exhausted!
Speak to people on her behalf if she is getting in a bit of a state, as part of this, know her birthplan and absolute no-no's
Don't moan about how long it takes
Try and distract when HUGE epidural needle is looming
Don't be embarrassed if she tries to chat up the anesthetist!

They are DP's tips!

Know her birthplan, but try to take notice of when she needs to veer from it and support her rather than saying "but you don't want to do that". I had decided 'no epidural if at all possible' but got to the point where I was totally exhausted and needed to rest. I shouted that I wanted an epidural. DH held my hand, and said "you did say you didn't want one, HQ. are you sure?", but when I said "I really do", he realised I wasn't lying and didn't push the birth plan anymore.

Be prepared that you might see more than you bargained for, and try to take it stoically. The midwife might need you to stand near the action to help your DW brace against something (as my DH had to) and you will see everything. Don't say no, or whine, or faint! Focus on your DW rather than your own squeamishness.

Be on hand with water etc. My DH was a bit rubbish at this TBH - once I had the epidural he sort of sat back and read the papers while we waited but he was a bit rubbish at noticing if I needed water, or my hair tying back.

If your DW has long hair, learn how to tie it back into a ponytail and get all the hair off her face and back of her neck. You will be doing this about 20 times an hour!

If emergency things happen, try to stay calm. I lost a lot of blood and DH was left holding the baby while they sorted me out. He was very good at just talking calmly to me and hugging DS. Must have been more terrifying for him than me (I couldn't see or feel anything, he had a full view of all the blood pouring out of me) but you wouldn't have noticed.

Have a camera at the ready. The first photo of your DW with her baby is one she will cherish however bad she looks. Mine is on my profile page

my dh read a book and ate my hospital meal!!

Take bananas. Bananas are good. Slow release energy.

when the baby is born, look at your wife lovingly and say 'you have never looked more beautiful'
Dh did that and it still makes me well up.

beyond that:
-rub where she says to rub
-DON'T ask if she's ok 27 THOUSAND times.

Just stay aware of what she wants of you. She may not be able to explain it well, but let her know that ANYTHING she wants, is okay. (It doesn't matter how tired you are, or scared, she will be a lot worse.)

And most important of all to me, was my dh telling me how wonderfully well I was doing, and how amazing I was, and how proud he was of me. I needed him on my side, because the midwives were fine, but at times I saw them as the enemy, and I needed his reassurance.

Try not to look horrified at medical procedures - it will NOT comfort your dw. I can still remember dh's face as the midwifes hand and wrist disappeared from view into my nether regions.

Do not say you are bored.

Do not sit far away and read the paper.

Have a sick bowl always to hand.

dh dis his best to stay calm and speak up for me when I could barely put a word together.
he knew exactly what I wanted and stuck to it
was very supportive and reassuring

he even almost managed not to look too panicked when dd had to be taken to SCBU and I had t stay behind he went with her, even managed to get the nurses to give me regular updates over the next few hrs when we could not be together

very proud of him

Oh yes, and don't sit and drum your fingers if things slow down a bit......it's very irritating!

Everything BZ says plus

"Oh, and pack shorts and a tee shirt. it's like a sauna in there." - make it an old T-shirt new born babies are digusting mucky things (best not to point this out to anybody at the time), if you are going for "Hold the baby as soon as you can." which is good advice, then you will be throwing that T-shirt away - this is what leads to "that smell is you."

My advice is to have two bags by the front door His and Hers, His being full of clothes and food and drink tis from my BiL who went through a 24 hour labour on a bag of Wotsits (it might have been tough for my sis as well but he really suffered).

It is like a sauna in there, try NOT to pass out, if you do pass out try NOT to do it in front of a Newly Qualified Midwife she will press the big red button and there will then be half the NHS in the room. If all the above happens do NOT expect any sympathy from the senior midwife who will just say sod it, its only the father and walk out again. DO expect you DW to tell everybody you ever meet about this forever.

lots of praise and reassurance,remind her shell be seeing the baby soon and itll all be worth it.
2 donts!!! 1 dont ask her to rate pain on scale of 1-10 in the middle of a contraction!

2 don`t say so and so (insert name you like but she hates)is trying to push her way out!unless you like very rude replies!!!

Take a birthing ball - not for DW but for you. My DH ended up sitting on mine as it didn't work for me and it was a blooming site more comfortable than all the chairs in the room. My poor DH had to amuse himself for 2 hours after I feel asleep once I had my epidural. Luckily there was a student doctor in the room with us, so he could chat to her!