Male friend is victim of domestic violence :(

[Minkus]

I have posted this in both Dadsnet and Relationship topics as not sure of best place for advice.

One of DH's very best friends has recently confided that his wife has been physically abusing him for a number of years. I'm so sad and angry for him I don't know where to start.

He was one of the best men at our wedding and he and dh have known each other since they started primary school. Since he got together with his wife, he has gradually lost contact with all his friends to the extent that we wondered whether even to let him know when our second baby arrives (due in 10 days). Now of course we understand why this has been, she has always been v controlling and this just makes sense of his increasingly uncharacteristic behaviour since they met. I suppose it's a story oft-heard but the other way round- headstrong confident boy meets seemingly perfect girl, girl increasingly exerts controlling influence over boy, control becomes violent, boy loses contact with friends and family, becomes very isolated, only allowed contact outside the home at work, boy loses self confidence and esteem.

He has sought help from so many places, his gp, their health visitor, social services- and each external party that gets "involved" has seemed to brush it away because it's not a woman being abused and they just don't seem to know what to do when it's the reverse situation. Social services in particular have basically said that because the children are not considered at risk (and there is no suggestion that she is/has or would harm them) they can't see they need to be involved and have insinuated that it's a relationship issue rather than a violence one (if that makes sense). They have suggested that they should be contacting Relate rather than involving them

Has anyone experience of similar situations and if so could you help me to point our lovely friend in the direction of an organisation that might be able to help him? I've done an internet search and come up with two charities (Mens Advice Line, and Mankind) that specifically help male victims of domestic violence but if anyone has other guidance I'd be really appreciative, as I'm sure he will be.

I might not be able to get back on line today so if anyone responds before I manage to check back, thanks in advance and sorry if you have questions that I can't answer straight away. I'm not a troll, posting about a sensitive subject and running off - I just have a demanding 3.5 year old ds, am 39 weeks pregnant with a hungover dh (the result of very long chat into the early hours with our friend who stayed last night) and don't have huge amounts of time to mnet (sadly!)

[justRia]

here is another link.

I feel so sorry for your friend, thank goodness he has confided and you and your DH are there for him. I have seen advertisement for another organisation (though it may be a local county one) but I just can't remember what it's called.

Good luck.

[justRia]

and this

[edam]

I'm so sorry for your friend. No special knowledge but hope one of the organisations you mention, or justRia's links, can provide support.

[justRia]

sorry! THIS is the one I've seen locally, they may have a database with a contact group in your friends area? HTHx

[BetteNoire]

It is dreadful that this poor man has sought help from all the agencies that are supposedly there to support him, and been failed by all of them.

I hope the helplines can offer him the support and help he needs.

[TheMagnificent7]

Minkus, thanks for helping your friend. Almost nobody believes that men are the victims of domestic abuse, verbal, intimidation, or violence. Alcoholic partners are partially catered for, but men with abusive partners have little or no resources other than groups like the ones mentioned. My local authority, officially, refuses to recognise male abuse. I work alongside them so I know that this is true as I have had to contact them regarding the issue for a friend with similar problems.

A local search is best, if you can, on the internet. Contacting any local female abuse shelters/centres may bring a result in details, but you'll largely have to rely on charities and community groups. Forget your local council, they are unlikely to have a department, although talking to someone in the local police domestic violence department might.

Most people aren't going to believe your friend at all. Even people he has known for years, and it's heartbreaking to watch. However, there are many men in a similar situation who can't stop the abuse, but know what he is going through and believe him.

He must must must detail every incident, keep every text message, ask any witnesses at any time. She'll have his baby away too and with the blessing of the court, if he cant prove anything. He'll have to prepare for his closest family to look at proof and totally deny that too. It's a terrible place for him to be, I've gone through it with my friend, and like all continuing abuse victims, he probably still loves her too, which is not a bad thing, just a sad thing.

[Barnical]

DV and abuse is awful for anyone.. probably harder for men.. If he leaves.. she'll get the dc's.. and can make life really nasty for him.
If he makes too much fuss.. I could see her (imo) turning the tables on him... I think the best thing is to contact mankind.. see what they can help with.. so sorry for your friend. ( been there on the other side.. and it's not a fun place to be )

[colditz]

i think he should call the police every time she physically attacks him. He needs her to have a record of violence so that when he leaves, he can insist that he sees the children regularly to check they are not being abused.

He may have to be very clear with the police, who are not above their own gender prejudices. He may need to state clearly "She launched an unprovoked physical attack on me, I want you to arrest her, I want to take an injunction out against her"

[colditz]

And the Lord knows it it hard enough for women to deal with attitudes like "Well what did you do that made him do that?" never mind when you are male and for some reason expected to tolerate physical abuse without retaliating.

[bananasandwich]

My dad suffered this (and possibly still does I no longer live there and he wont discuss) it is incredibly sad. no advice sorry but just wanted to say i understand and be another voice against violence towards men.

[Barnical]

right thought about this for a bit.. I agree with getting each attact, logged with the police, so she can't turn tables.

[colditz]

Yes, because unfortunately it is common for women who are being abused to have the police called on them the first time they lash back. So he needs to seriously hang on the his self control and never ever hit her or touch her in any way unless to save his life or protect the children if he wants any hope of being believed, and he must call the police immediately if she lays a finger on him.

It's very that it has to be this way, there should be somewhere he can go. Women are just as capable as men at throwing a punch.

[TheMagnificent7]

It's hugely sad that everyone in the relationship link has suggested the VICTIM give up his home and leave his children. Why ? He's hasn't done anything wrong. She should be made to leave like any other criminal and fight for accesss surely ? This is entirely the crux of the problem. He won't want anything other than his darling wife he married to love him, and to live in peace with his children.

Why does everyone suggest a heartless bully wins and keeps all the spoils. So sad for him. Further conflict is not the answer.

[TheMagnificent7]

Sorry, one other thing. The second she goes on record for any issues revolving around domestic violence on her behalf will give him leverage in any further court/police dealings so she is unlike to agree because it will make her lose control. It's an impossible situation to sort out reasonably. Shall we all just go round and give her a stiff telling off ?

[TheMagnificent7]

Just before the police get involved, and i'm not saying it's a bad thing, but if there is a report of a domestic, and there are children present, a report has to be sent to social services, a MERLIN report I think. After a certain number of reports, its flagged at SS and they become involved regardless of what either parent thinks. This is usually a good thing, but your friend should be aware. Not only does he suffer the indignity of the violence, but all of a sudden social services are involved with his child. It's a spiralling nightmare.

I am not suggesting that he shouldn't tell the police, all violence should be dealt with as totally unacceptable, but he should be aware of the attention he will receive. It's an essentially good system, but doesn;t allow for individual cases.

When he does report it though, it's essentail that he gets the CAD report number, and the crime number.

[TheMagnificent7]

Just before the police get involved, and i'm not saying it's a bad thing, but if there is a report of a domestic, and there are children present, a report has to be sent to social services, a MERLIN report I think. After a certain number of reports, its flagged at SS and they become involved regardless of what either parent thinks. This is usually a good thing, but your friend should be aware. Not only does he suffer the indignity of the violence, but all of a sudden social services are involved with his child. It's a spiralling nightmare.

I am not suggesting that he shouldn't tell the police, all violence should be dealt with as totally unacceptable, but he should be aware of the attention he will receive. It's an essentially good system, but doesn;t allow for individual cases.

When he does report it though, it's essentail that he gets the CAD report number, and the crime number.

[Barnical]

I wonder how she would react If your friend just took more control ( not as easy done as said). i.e by saying if you lay a finger on me again, I will call the police, saying that he has already made contact with other agencies and that people are aware of how she is conducting herself., doing nice things with his chidren, taking himself and the children out maybe to the park when she is being nasty. making sure he keeps up old links with friends and going out.
At this point he could ask her to get help, either together of on her own.

I say this as because this is how I got out of the same situation. I mustered up the courage to seek help and advice first, I then laid down to him what was going to happen.. he was so shocked that is took a few minites before the rage started, and I held the phone, ready for the 999 in my hand and said, " you either are reasonable,and we will sort this out, or I call the police now and have you removed and I will push for prosicution." I did shout and yell I was very calm.. almost too calm.
He didn't make any nasty moves, sat down and cried.. he left the next morning.
But it was me taking control that put a stop to it.
I know this isn't the same for every case.. but if you pass any of this on and it helps.. then I feel like I have been helped.

[Barnical]

didn't shout and yell .. that should say

[TheMagnificent7]

Barnicals suggestion would be great, I hope that could work

[Iceandslice]

Thanks everyone for your messages, suggestions and support. I've forwarded him the links/phone numbers etc and have repeated our previous plea to him to call the police when this happens again (as we all sadly know it is bound to )

Will wait and see what the future brings x