Should I feel 'guilty' for using DH computer

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

I ask this while I am using dh computer and not my laptop -

The thing is I would appreciate a wider sample of male opinion than just dh.

Some background - dh is an only child and never had to share - had his own room and used computers from early age. Lived in a small village so spent quite a bit of time on his own I think - and likes his own company (would make an excellant hermit!). He has a high pressure job and long commute so likes space in the evening etc to unwind. So far so reasonable. However I have got into trouble with him for going into 'his' room and using 'his' computer (and occasionally leaving some evidence - ie. I left a calendar up on his desktop - he calls that mucking about with his settings). I am from a large family always shared a room had no privacy and am used to sharing everything (we could not be more different).

Dh has use of a downstairs study for his extensive record collection, two desktop computers, printer etc. and he has a stairgate so the kids can't get in (YET!!).

If I need/ want to do something quickly on the pc - it is much easier to use the pc in his room than find somewhere to set up my laptop and get hassled by the dc's (I do not have my own room). He has acted in the past like he has been invaded by rapacious hordes not his wife - when he notices my incursions.

I try to respect his privacy and space. He gets plenty of alone time as presently I am pregnant and tired in the evening so I am falling asleep before 8pm at least twice a week. We don't have many visitors I go and visit family alone several times a year and I don't force him to be sociable - so why can't he allow me use of his space without giving me a hard time????

Am I expecting too much? Thank you for reading this far.

Personally I'd feel that if you had your own space to use then he may have a point, but as it is there's a discrepancy there which is unfair.

Tell him to play nicely and share his toys!

you get inot 'trouble' with him?! Sounds like he's reacting more as if you're his child rather than his wife.

I'm all for respecting each other's privacy, but also all for sharing. I assume your DH doesn't actually need his pc when you are using it?

When you say he has his own room, is tha in adition to the study you mentioned?

to be honest - his reaction is more like a childs than treating me like a child. He is very protective of his own space - and he feels I have a perfectly good laptop of my own. I use his (very rarely now to avoid conflict)- out of convenience and not when he is in. I think it is a problem of his attitude toward the prospect of having no where to call wholly his own. Never having had that I don't have the same need for it - it is very primal.

Is it something all men need or is it an only child thing?

To answer your question OMDB his room is the study - it is his retreat and where he goes in the evening - not one for sitting companionably on the sofa watching crap on tv or whatever.

His answer Mutt is to say he has always needed this space - I have always knowbn this and I shouldn't be with him if I don't like it - not something I have found an effective answer too. He is fantastic in all other respects so I haven't the urge to pack my bags.

If you were using it when he wanted to - this yes, but just in the day when he isn't there - no not unreasonable.
Could you set your laptop up in his room so you can just pop on that?

You know just because someone is an only child doesn't mean that it is ok to behave like a spoilt brat. He is not 'only' anymore, he has a family and a wife who is a partner which means that she is his equal and deserves equal respect and space.
The only way that it would be acceptable for him to have his own study for his exclusive use is if you had a huge house and you had your own exclusive space too.
Dp was an only child too and has a tendency towards this type of bollix. However he is self aware enough to realise that it is unfair.

He does spend time with us, we go out at the weekends and we always have dinner together - his retreat to his room is in the evening after he or I have put dc to bed. I do watch Lost with him in his room by invitation

This is one aspect of our relationship - that I would change if I could - but his reltions with the children may force a change as they get older and are around later in the evening (the oldest is 3). I do wonder how prepared he is for their increasing needs/ demands.

It's fair enough that he likes his space, but if you are using it respectfully and not invading it when he is actually using it then whats the problem?

His behaviour sounds a bit controlling tbh. It's not good enough to say "If you don't like X (unreasonable behaviour) then you shouldn't be with me)".

When you get married/ agree to live with someone surely that means sharing your stuff?

We've never had seperate things (apart from clothes/ razors - even then if I want to wear/ use something of his then I fequently do) I think he ought to try harder to share as you have tried giving him space, sounds like you are giving more and he is taking more.

he needs to grow up.

My dh has a study where he keeps his computer/printer etc, and although I am not able to use his computer as it doesn't have a screenreader, I would certainly be pissed off if he started reading me the riot act as to which rooms in the house I am able to go into!

By the same token I have my own computer, and would never dream of telling dh he was not allowed to use it!

Tbh if dh forbade me from using his computer I would wonder what it was he was hiding on there.

Carmenere - I think dh realises that he is being unfair - but at the same time I think he would have trouble coping with his life without this alone time. It is a bugger.

Hmmm, my DH is a bit like this. We tend to spend evenings with me in one room watching TV or reading in bed, and him on the PC in our study.

I also have a work laptop and use it when I remember to bring it home but regularly get "booted off" his PC and also got "told off" for getting rid of unused programmes on the desktop (although I have my own session so it shouldn't have affected DH's).

Not sure what to say. Think it is a bit controlling but my DH is like this and v. obsessive about things (if I borrow things I have to put them back exactly where I found them etc. and he usually says "get your own").

I'm not a great sharer either despite/because of having a younger brother.

Dh is from a family of four so not an only child.

I don't think he is deliberately[sp] (consciously) controlling - to be fair he has changed as a result of marriage/ children - I keep pushing at his boundaries and my expectations of change remain fairly high. When I met him he said he would never have children - we are now expecting no 3.

I am not some poor downtrodden wifey with a weird Bluebeard husband forbidden from entering his 'bloody chamber' - but I am fed up with this situation and wish I didn't have to push him iyswim.

bigmouth I can see that you are not "some poor downtrodden wifey with a weird Bluebeard husband forbidden from entering his 'bloody chamber'".

But it is still frustrating. Can sympathise.

My DH is so protective of his stuff that I find it annoying, but he just thinks he's being careful and that I am careless.

Think you need to negotiate with him about why you need to use his PC.

At least it is 'our' study IHSIAY

I am not the only one whose partner has shiring issues then at least. I sympathise - I just find it tiring - I wish I was less easy going - but I think that is what dh likes about me - I don't have his hang-ups (that is not to say I don't have my own).

Well what I would do is just repeatedly ignore his objections until he got used to the fact that as another adult in the house you have the right to use every room and computer(within reason)in the house.

Can you not clear a bit of desk in there to set up your laptop during the day?

Negotiations are currently centered on needing to use the printer and what a pain in the arse it is to hook up the laptop just to use it - I have been succesful in that at least.

It is when we have teenagers in the house that I dread as respect for parental property is not something I recall me and my siblings having a great deal of - it is not going to be pretty[wince emoticon].