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Separating while still living together and struggling with boundaries and guilt

1 reply

HumorousEagle · Today 08:57

Hi, Dads. I’m in need of advice. My wife and I are separating. We’re still living together (and have been for the last 4-5 months) with our two kids while my house purchase is going through. It’s a small place and there’s little opportunity for privacy. My wife instigated the separation but has been asking if we can try and repair the marriage, despite me repeatedly asking her not to. I am 95% sure we’re doing the right thing. Over the 13 years we’ve been married, she’s threatened divorce, most recently one year ago, where we did separate for a couple of months. Each time, I’ve gone back after she’s changed her mind. She has mental health issues and I’ve always been her primary emotional support, a therapist almost. Now I’m tired and not willing to be that person anymore. Although I’ve been consistent in telling her I want out this time and that I don’t have the bandwidth to help her emotionally, she continues to cross the boundary I’ve set. I feel extremely guilty, particularly so because her mental health is declining, although she is now getting medical support. I’ve told her I will have to move out if we can’t be there for each other practically only but she basically begs me not to move out. She says she’s lost without me. I also worry about how well she’ll be able to parent our kids while I’m away, which is another source of guilt. I want to be there for them. They’re doing fine BTW. Then there’s that 5% of me that wonders if I’m doing the right thing. A quick fix would be to reconcile, but of course that wouldn’t solve the root issues. Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
WelshRabBite · Today 09:25

Obviously the first concern is your children.

I’m presuming if your wife has severe mental health issues and is getting medical support, you will be their primary carer? How are they coping with the upcoming change? Have you put any counselling in place for your DC to cope with the separation of their family?

This is a difficult time for all and you say you worry about how she’ll be able to parent when you’re away, but why are you going away and leaving your DC with a sick parent? Surely you’ll be taking them with you?

You may find that when you move out and are caring for the children more, your STBXW will have the time and capacity to get counselling and spend time repairing her physical and mental well-being, and her health will improve, but you need to be prepared to take on the bulk of the parenting until that is the case.

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