Big wave of depression

[LochSunart]

I'm in the middle of a wave of depression. I know the reasons, but that's not what I'm here to talk about. I'm more interested in what these periods reveal about ourselves and what we do when they hit.

I think my depression is my brain telling me, "You're not following the life you want, and time is running out." (I'm 58.)

The negatives are I lose motivation, because I have to pretend I'm fine. Like, here I am sitting in my car at the supermarket because I don't want to go home. The positives are I can't ignore my feelings; I need to do things that make me feel... erm... validated? alive? Get outside, climb a hill, go camping; also - help another person - family member, voluntary work (which I don't do at present, but I could as I'm retired.); devote some time to my creative hobbies: assert my individuality. Have sex.

I've posted this on Dadsnet, but all contributions are welcome.

What are the reasons you can’t follow the life you want

Essentially, because of deep-seated problems in my marriage resulting in me having to pretend I'm happy when I'm not. Whilst I'm trying to deal with these problems, I don't think they'll be resolved soon and, in the meantime, I have to find some way of living a meaningful life.

My wife is away for the week for only the second time in our marriage 33 years.The depression has hit me big time .I realise I depend on her so much and don't have a lot of motivation to do the interests I normally do.
Good to see another old Dad on the forum.

@sofatrashinglockdownpuppy That's interesting. Do you wonder what your depression is telling you? I say this gently: it's unusual for an adult to be dependent on another person for their psychological well-being to that extent.

At times, I try to step 'outside' my depression, to try to work out what it's telling me about myself. I am also seeing a therapist at present.

I think that i love my wife too much.She is also my friend we laugh and chat alot and we tend to work as a team when problems arise.I overthink everything , she doesn't and frequently advises me to not take a rash course of action and says just let it be .Like with the kids just let them lead their own life,there is no use in interfering because of your past experience .
I went to see someone yesterday but they were not in the mood to chat .I thinks it's my motivation to ward off the depression.
I hope your therapist is helping you.Just wondered are you friends with your wife.Do you have any male friends to talk too .I think this helps in your senior years , we all need space occasionally to help in a long term marriage.I only have one I see every fortnight which helps my depression when at its worst.
There is a Mens talking group in my area,all ages are welcome maybe you could try this.

@sofatrashinglockdownpuppy I will respond properly later but, for now, do you mind me asking roughly how old you are?

@LochSunart

Didnt wa t to read and run. I think there are many men like you. I’ve just come though a major bump in the road but in my case it was my family and friends that kept me away from a very dark place.

it has made me really aware of some of my single male friends and widowed friends and I’ve recently even though the phone to contact some of them for a pint all 100% have replied

You will see from the dadsnet pages that we don’t seam particularly good at deep conversations making friends in the pup or at sport but real deep conversations not so much. I’ve done some work with men’s groups and very often they can be poorly attended.

What are your hobbies? How close to the outdoors are you to get out and about. Is having sex with someone you like possible

@Bothsidesofthefence @sofatrashinglockdownpuppy

One of the things I'm proudest of in my life is the attention I've paid to my friendships. Most of my close friends don't live near me (with the exception of my closest friend, who does) but I make the effort to keep in touch with them and see them when I can. And we do have deep conversations! About love, life, even - believe it or not! - sex.

Something I've learnt, possibly quite late: things just don't happen. You have to make them happen and the requirement for effort never stops. You'll never reach a blessed plateau, the sunlit uplands which go on forever: you always have to make an effort. And some of that effort won't produce results, but you must never give up. It's taken me decades to understand that.

There's a hill I can climb that I can see from my lounge, and I can drive into virtual wilderness easily, though my favourite place in the world - Scotland - is a little further away. I still get there several times a year, though.

My wife and I are friends. Sex is a little more difficult: I still desire her. Does she desire me? I don't know. And that's probably the reason for the depression. I do believe that sex is incredibly important to mental well-being, not for everyone, but for many people, and for men and women equally. If you don't agree with that - for example, if you think men have a greater sex-drive than women - read some of the threads on MN.

Hobbies: I play classical guitar; I've always loved music, from punk to Shostakovich. I have a creative hobby which I take very seriously (I won't say what it is, as there's a tiny chance it could 'out' me) and I push myself out of my comfort zone. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't - but successful people have many failures.

Regarding men's clubs: I think they're a great idea. I've not gone to one myself, as I have friends I can spend time with, but I certainly would if I felt the need.

C'mon, guys - let's talk.

@LochSunart

You sound like you have a lot going your way but that’s the problem from the outside. I think to answer you first question these periods of depression is to reflect what’s going on what is within your scope to change and go again

Very rural ,forests ,stunning views farms a plenty.The dog likes to take me for a walk and i find this is vital for me to have a break from the stresses of life and clear my head.
Gambled all my life with same crowd not deep conversation going on though , biking ,but mostly family stuff. I've only ever discussed sex with my in law who was obsessed about not getting enough and was the main reason he split at 53.For me if it happens it's a bonus but I think in senior years is not really important.
What's your take on that?

Apologies at work answered your post directed at the original op.