Broken trust with partner of 9 years

[BrokenDadUK]

Advice would be great right now. My first time posting on here.

Split with my partner around 8 months ago due to breaking trust this was messaging another women but nothing more. I fully own what i have done. I went to councling to get help and better myself and become a better partner and a dad.

We still currently live together in our family home, i have never stopped loving her and my love for her has got stronger and stronger even though we arent together. She mentions that she cant get over what has happened.

I find it hard some days to carry on due to how much i love her and believe rebuilding and repairing what we have is worth more than anything in the world too me.

What can i do ?

What was the messaging - was it an emotions affair/sexual images etc? Hard to say without knowing how far it went.

couples counselling might be a shout.

As much as you feel remorseful and realised grass isn’t greener, sometimes you need to accept that what’s done is done. Speaking from a female perspective, emotional affairs could be moved past if the relationship was worth saving in the first place. This was probably the last nail in a very dire coffin and you need to just let her live her life.

Nothing - you don't get to decide or control how she heels or moves on. Regardless of how you try to downplay it to yourself, you cheated and that has consequences.
The best thing you can do is to work on yourself and accept that the relationship you had before is over. Even if she was to take you back, that relationship from before is gone.

What can you do @BrokenDadUK nothing.
You chose to destroy your relationship by cheating on your partner and cheating is her red line.
Next time you get in a relationship with someone who you claim to love dont cheat

It was emotions i was going through a rough time which is no excuse nothing sexual but she only believes more has happened.

She doesnt want to do anything as she says its not her whos caused it.

I just find life so hard cause i know how ive changed and what i can bring into our relationship after waking up and realsing what im capable of. I just hope its not too late.

What have you done so far to demonstrate you are worthy?

It doesn't have to be sexual to be cheating though. You will only make things worse if you push her. True accountability is accepting what you have done but also accepting the consequences of your actions. Even in this thread, all of your focus is on you - how do you feel better, how do you make the relationship better so you can feel absolved. You have yet to centre your partner and that's likely the root of why it happened at all. Sounds like you still have more therapy to do and I'm not saying this because you're a man or with any venom, I'd be saying it to a woman in the same circumstances too.

I have removed people away for me that arent necessary. Opened everything to her so nothing is hidden. Keep her updated on where i am and who i am with. Everything i say im going to do daily is done. I know actions are the only way of things changing cause words mean nothing.

Totally accept what i have done and yes its all down to my own actions.

is that it? Youve done things you should have done anyway? Not done anything extra?

It was too late the moment you decided that she wasn't enough for you and started an affair with another woman.
You can blame it on whatever you want the fact is instead of turning to the woman you claim to love you went looking elsewhere.
All you can do now is accept its over and make the process of splitting up as easy as possible and stop putting pressure on her to forgive you and/or give you a second chance

The trouble is that for the relationship to work she has to trust you again. It may well be the case that she'd like to trust you - but she can't. Every time she sees you on your phone, there's a little nagging voice in her brain, asking what you're up to. And that is not a working relationship.

You have to work out a way to be that will allow her to trust you again. It's no good asking for a checklist from her of what you have to do; she doesn't know. It's up to you to see if you can be a person that allows her to build trust again. I don't think the chances are great

I’d start by showing that you are a capable, reliable parent who is going to pull his weight, whether or not you are together. Make sure that you are doing 50% of the school runs, clubs and looking after. Think about all of the other jobs of parenting - laundry, shopping, cooking, bedtime, cleaning, sorting clothes and shoes, haircuts, school admin, play dates etc and make sure you’re doing roughly half the jobs, and everything involved in all of them. Make the commitment to do this properly until your children are adult.

If you can demonstrate to her that you will consistently forever do half of the joint work irrespective of whether or not you are together, it gives her a sense of security and choice, rather than forcing her, which will help begin to repair trust.

Too late mate.
Be the best dad to your kids.
She cannot trust you wont do the same again. If it was so meaningless why do it?
You blew it. Accept it.
Move on amicably
Behave better with the next

@BrokenDadUK can I ask, when you say emotional in what way? Did you express love or feelings for the other woman or was it more the attention that you enjoyed? I am going through it now with my H and am supposed to be trying to move forward but as pp said every time he is on his phone I feel paranoid about who he is messaging, wondering if any of what he’s said is true or if he’s just being better at hiding it.