Looks like I’m moving out- what the hell next ?

[lcm1993]

After around 18 months of my relationship falling apart post our second child it looks like our relationship is over. Whilst I won’t go into the nitty gritty details of what’s happened essentially we have grown apart from each other and it’s too far to go back.

We have a 410 k house with 100 k equity, 20 k saved. I plan to let her live in the house with the kids and I will find somewhere to lie low for a bit. She won’t be able to afford the house on her wage so we will have to sell. I’m the main bread winner working 7-6 pm weekdays and she starts work after her maternity next week on Wednesday and Thursdays ( with the kids going to nursery ) .

Just wondering as a male what the hell should I do next as I’ve never gone through this - what’s my next steps ? I want to end this amicably, split the cash fairly, and make sure her and the kids are ok. I have a small feeling she will be vindictive with everything.

My Relationship with my parents isn’t great, but if I swallow my pride I’m sure they would take me back for a bit. Failing that I could rent a place but paying for both places would be unaffordable.

Help guys I feel lost !

When I split from my XH, I stayed in the family home with the DC and he moved into rented. He paid nothing towards the house, I paid the mortgage and all bills. He did pay CM.

You may find you'll be able to do similar as your soon to be XW will no doubt be able to claim benefits to top up her wage, plus your CM contributions.

Worth looking into.

If you're not married it's easier to sort.
Sell the house, or one buys the other out, sort 50/50 co-parenting.

Each adult is responsible for housing themselves, regardless of their sex.

Stay in the house until it is sold to save on costs. Separate bedrooms so you can both get respite from each other.

There are a few options for a single male without children overnight - parents, lodging, shared house, spare room dot com, friends etc. You don't have to have your own place immediately.

Just because you think she might be vindictive doesn't mean she will be. I thought that of my X but he surprised me. I tried to be fair and he matched my energy (thankfully).

Make sure the childcare is something that is split fairly too. Too many dad’s expect to have the dcs every other weekend and the mums have to suck it up.

Obviously if she is only working two days a week in order to look after the dcs that will be taken into consideration in the splitting of assets etc. It may be hard for her to find a full time job whilst they’re little and childcare fees are extortionate. In that case you will have to support her and the dcs accordingly.

First thing that jumped out at me is your working hours, how will you work seeing your children and enabling your ex to progress in her career when you’re working that much? Can you improve on that? She won’t be able to take on a mortgage working two days.

Talk to your parents. Propose a model that benefits them too. Sharing the bills will cut their costs, and rent will give them some extea money. Do they have room for the dcs at the weekends?

Think about access to your dcs, every other weekend and maybe have supper with them two evenings a week.

You are right to want to get through this amicably. Much better for every one. I hope it works out.

Are you married? There's a whole legal process you need to go through if you are. If not, it's easier. Co-habit if there's space (and no abuse) so you can make things easier financially whilst the house is sold. Then split the equity.

How do you propose doing 50:50 childcare with your working hours? If you intend your ex to carry the bulk of that, she really needs support for loss of potential income and pension provision. This is something that a lot of men don't take responsibility for.

I also noticed your working hours won't work for raising your kids, you'll have to ask for flexible working, compressed hours, or reducing your hours.
Opting out of parenting isn't an option.

Don't move out of your house until it's sold, there's no need.
Arrange equally splitting all things like collections from nursery, days off when the kids are sick, all appointments, transport to kids hobbies, parties etc.

Are you married?

Not married guys - thankyou for your responses. I earn around 3800 a month she earns around 1000 working 2 days. Of course if I had to work my hours still I would support them financially I would never let me kids go without in life

That’s all well and good, but you need somewhere to live and can’t pay full costs for both houses. When my DH and I separated he moved into a rented flat and I stayed in the marital home with the kids. I covered all the costs of the house and he covered his living costs, we did 50/50 contact so no maintenance payments. I needed to adjust my working arrangements to increase hours and child care was a shared cost between us.

It’s hard to split in a way that feels fair, but your ex will need to increase her earnings, and you’ll need to think about how you support her to do that.

Sorry to hear this. Could you rent a room for a while until you sort things out, or would you need somewhere where you can have the children? I hope you sort something out and it remains amicable.

In order to fund the house she will have to buy she may well also have to work full time, so you need to bear that in mind.

You’re been the main breadwinner but things are changing. Aren’t you going for 50-50? ‘Every other weekend and some supper twice a week’ is hardly fair on your ex. Just handing over the cash is hardly the same. You’re responsible for parenting, half the time and you’ll need to make some changes to facilitate that.

Whilst I won’t go into the nitty gritty details of what’s happened essentially we have grown apart from each other and it’s too far to go back.

Did she feel unsupported after having the 2nd child? Did you expect her to get on with everything while doing the minimum yourself? Just wondering if that's why you have a 'small feeling she'll be vindictive'.