Looking for balanced advice from other parents – neighbour behaviour

[SKMcN]

I’d really appreciate some perspective from other parents, as I’m trying to work out whether I’m being overcautious or appropriately protective.

Context
We have young children (one preschool age, two in early years). A male neighbour lives alone next door. We’re not socially close beyond brief neighbourly interactions.

My wife feels the behaviour is likely harmless, and while I love her completely, and she is fantastic… her awareness of life is a lot more sheltered. I’ve felt uncomfortable from the start, and my concern has grown as things have progressed.

What has happened:

• The neighbour regularly asks my wife questions about our children rather than general small talk.
• He has asked their names, ages, and school stages, and on more than one occasion has reconfirmed these details (e.g. repeating that two are in reception/nursery).
• He tends to only ask about the children and is more talkative with my wife.
• He brought sweets round for the children once.
• More recently, he asked my wife if it would be okay for him to buy them Christmas selection boxes. This was asked in the moment, which put her on the spot.
• Around the same time, he appeared to come out of his house exactly as my wife was leaving, and then again as she was returning, saying he’d “forgotten something from the shop”. This may be coincidence, but it stood out to me.
• There’s been no encouragement from us beyond polite responses, and no close family relationship.

Why I’m uneasy:

• The repeated and specific focus on our children rather than general neighbour conversation.
• Remembering and revisiting personal details about them.
• Gift-giving (sweets and Christmas presents) without a close relationship.
• Putting my wife on the spot rather than checking boundaries in a more neutral way.
• A general gut instinct that something doesn’t feel quite right, even if I can’t point to a single “smoking gun”.

What makes this hard:

• My wife feels it’s probably just harmless
• I don’t want to unfairly judge or accuse someone of anything.
• At the same time, I don’t want to ignore my gut instincts when it comes to safeguarding my children.

We’re planning to set clear, polite boundaries regardless. I’d genuinely welcome thoughts from other parents:

• Does this feel like normal but awkward neighbour behaviour?
• Or does it cross into something where caution and firmer boundaries are reasonable?

Thanks in advance.

It could be completely innocent and he’s just a nice guy being friendly, however, don’t people always say trust your gut and if something feels off then you need to do what’s best for you and your children because if your gut ever did turn out to be right you’d never forgive yourself if you ignored it. There’s nothing wrong with setting boundaries.

Without being able to see into his head, I don’t know.

How old is he? Does he have grown up children himself?

We had a lovely male neighbour when I was a child. He always gave Christmas presents, and took an interest, but was never inappropriate. He probably spoke more to Mum, but she was a SAHM, so around more. He was in his 80s.

What are you worried about really? You'd never leave him alone with your kids anyway would you?

Feels harmless to me. Obviously you keep your kids safe, don't let them around a man you aren't related to, so I don't think he'll ever have an opportunity to do harm.

We moved into our current house years back before we had kids and neighbors either side had them and we definitely asked questions about the kids and gave chocolate selections etc. It's trying to be kind.

I think the fact he asked about chocolates first is a further green flag. A red flag would be him giving to kids without asking first.

Is he from a different culture? If so that might play into it; if he’s a single male it could be inappropriate to speak to your wife about her life etc but the children are more ‘neutral’ as a topic of conversation. The fact that he’s asked if he can buy them selection boxes is part of why I’m asking if he’s from a different culture because my instinct would be to just get them/you something as a neighbourly gesture without necessarily asking. Just as a different opinion. If there’s not much cultural difference I’d be inclined to say it does sound fairly harmless but I’d be cautious (as I would be be anyone!) and wouldn’t be sending my children round to his or allowing any alone time/babysitting etc.

Us too - same thing. He was an older chap and like an extra grandad to us kids. Absolutely 100% nothing untoward.

My father lived on his own and used to buy gifts for the neighbours children at Christmas and take them treats home after a holiday. He also used to ask the neighbour about her children - just general chit chat. He was friendly and cared - and he loved kids! Nothing untoward at all.

I guess I'd say be cautious and of course, you'd never allow your children to visit any man's house or leave them alone with a stranger. He is most probably just interested from a neighbourly perspective and wants to be friendly. Children are often a good way in to get to know people as you have something to chat about. I think you are being hyper vigilant and wonder if this stems from your own experiences as a child?

It sounds to me like he may be socially awkward or also have some ND traits (not jumping on the bandwagon, just based on a relative I have who sounds very similar). He struggles to retain info so repeats it. He wouldn’t understand the relatively modern concept you express of subtly exploring boundaries. Giving sweets to children is an old fashioned way of trying to be neighbourly. Only talking about the children is probably because he doesn’t have anything else to talk to you about (unless it the weather). Don’t ignore your gut, but based on what you’ve said so far, I don’t think you need to worry. Perhaps keep a healthy eye out. But also trust your wife?

We have a neighbour like this. He's just being nice and friendly. Maybe it's something else about him setting off your predator sensors?

Whether you're instinct is right or not, your should go with your gut.
Agree a plan with you wife. Tell him you don't accept sweets (advice of your Dentist!). And agree with you wife not to share information about your children with him.
These are your children, and their safely is your responsibility. If he's harmless he'll not persist.

It’s enough to feel uncomfortable. How old is this man?

It's probably completely innocent. He sounds socially awkward and is just choosing a safe topic to make neighbourly conversation. There are few mums who don't like to talk about their children

If, as a dad, you are concerned, next time you see him, choose a different topic - cars, gardens, running, cycling whatever. Try to find something in common and put him at his ease. See if it makes you less concerned.

Thanks all for your comments.

He is in his 50-60s, he lives on his own, no children, and never really engages with me outside of formal hellos, it tends to be my wife he speaks with more.

What really set this off, was one instance where our eldest daughter refused to come in the house and my wife was getting the other two in, so she was outside for a few seconds. In that time he came out and started speaking her directly, then went back inside shortly after my wife came back out.

Because I have three daughters, and with my role I do travel away it exacerbates my concerns. I understand it may be innocent, I analyse situations day to day and no matter how much my mind looks at both sides, my gut instinct doesn’t feel comfortable.

We had a neighbour a bit like that growing up. He was just a nice guy who was single and his nieces and nephews lived far away. I still remember the little gifts he would drop over at Christmas, start of School Year, End of School year etc.

I am not a parent but tend to make of making a point of remembering details about people's kids as it a way of making chitchat other than things like the weather.

In regards to your daughter being outside alone maybe he was concerned that she could run into the road etc.

Obviously I am not suggesting not to trust your gut if you feel there is something wrong but equally I think men get some bad rap when it comes to children compared to females. If your neighbour was a single female would you have as many concerns.

I wouldn’t be super concerned, personally. Of course I’d ensure your dc know not to take things from anyone if you/your wife aren’t present; never to go into anyone’s house without clearing with you etc. but this sounds like a lonely guy who is adopting their neighbours adorable children to me. Tbh if I saw my neighbour leave a small child in the front garden alone I might pop out to keep an unobtrusive eye that they are safe. I also think women (ie your wife) are socially better at/easier to chat to - men don’t ‘chat’ with each other in the same way. I know most of the neighbours better than Dh does and he’s generally a nice and fairly social bloke.

in fact, I’ve just remembered that our next door neighbour at our old house (single bloke in his 30s) suddenly gave our two a present for Christmas one year. They remember him fondly!

What did he say to your daughter?

It is impossible to know what this man’s intentions are. Like you I would be uncomfortable. That discomfort, coupled with working away and a partner who doesn’t share my concerns would make me very anxious.

It isn’t judgemental or accusatory to say this situation makes me uncomfortable. That’s a statement about your feelings, not his intentions. And while it’s not ideal your wife has passed it off as harmless what really matters is that she agrees with setting boundaries.

My dad has a neighbour who has children he usually sticks to asking after the DC or talking about the weather or bin collections etc as he feels it's polite chitchat and wouldn't want to be seen as asking a younger woman anything personal. He also buys them a selection box each when he's buying for the grandchildren. He asked the neighbour after I said to him, not everyone wants their DC having sweets and some DC have allergies etc. As old fashioned as it sounds I don't think he'd speak to the husband about the children unless they were with him, more likely sports, cars, weather etc.

On the face of it I can't see anything wrong, he's likely just parroting back what he's been told to show he's listened and because he hasn't got much else to say if you don't really have a relationship, if he starts offering to babysit you know where you stand.

I think I would have slight concerns as well. The asking about your children’s school and year groups is slightly odd. In my experience men don’t normally care about stuff like that. And being outside with your daughter alone. It could be totally innocent - he might have heard your wife telling her to come in and then seen her go in and leave your daughter briefly so perhaps thought he better make sure she wasn’t being left out there as a punishment or anything. But I would still be a little concerned. The presents not so much. My dad was always generous with children and I think if he’d ended up single and living next to kids he probably would have bought them sweets etc. But as part of a bigger picture I would be wary.

I don’t think it’s fair to say ‘would you worry if it was a woman?’ Men are far more likely to be pedophiles than women. So personally no I wouldn’t worry if it was a woman. In fact we have a lovely female neighbour who chats to my daughter outside and gives her presents. I don’t worry about her at all. If it was her male partner showing an interest then yes I would be worried.

In your situation I think I would be making it clear to your children that they can say hello to Mr neighbour but they must never, ever go anywhere with him by themselves.

My adult son was browsing the soft toys in John Lewis for his little nephew. A child came by and the mother pulled them away saying don’t go near that man. 😢😢

Have you put in a request for a Sarah's law disclosure yet? That would be a good starting point, at least you will know if there is any criminal history with him.

It’s so hard because he may well (probably in fact) be totally innocent. He may have a sister & neices/nephews he rarely sees & misses them. He may get the friendly vibe from your wife but the cautious vibe from you.

Or he could, rarely but possibly, be trying to befriend your wife & children for more sinister reasons (although I doubt it).

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to just keep contact to a polite “hello” in future, although our elderly neighbours did buy me gifts as a child. They wanted DC & couldn’t have them. I doubt it ever crossed my parents’ minds they were trying to groom me (they weren’t).