Advice Needed - All Dad's Welcome

[GB82OF5]

Hello and thank you for taking the time out to read this, it's complicated so I appreciate you sticking with it.

Firstly, some background Information.

I'm 43 and grew up not seeing my father, my mother remarried when I was 7 so grew up with a stepfather, who wasn't particularly time giving and loving but I still see him to this day even though he and my mother separated many years ago. I always called my stepfather by his FIRST NAME.

Around 15 years ago I did a DNA with my own father, who turned out not to be my father at all. I have since found my biological father and refer to him as DAD, which gives a little anxiety/emotional trigger each time.

Moving on and thanks again for reading!...

My Ex-wife and I split up a few years ago, we have an 8 year old daughter together and although I see her regularly, I miss her incredibly.

I remarried and my current wife has 2 young girls 5 & 18 months. We have a great unit and are happy, I've known her a long time and love her dearly...but here's where I need help..

They have recently started referring to me / calling me Daddy. In doing so I get anxious, a similar emotional response when I refer to my own father, but different. I also think of my 8 year old, feel guilty and sadness she's not with me.

Obviously I don't want to feel this way, it's heartbreaking. I'm confused as to whether it's to do with me not having anyone to call dad or daddy, the emotions around my daughter or both..

So, is there anyone in a similar situation?

new family, grown up without some to call dad, leaving children with their ex and moving on, etc.

It's been going on inside for so long that I have terrible anxiety all the time. I don't want to destroy a 5 year because I have daddy issues, or because my 8 year own might feel abandoned.. I've gone through so much in my head and I just need some confirmation or normality from somewhere.

Your wife needs to manage her kids realities, do they not see their father?
Have you started the process of getting a court order so you can parent your child at least 50% of the time? This needs to be done urgently.
It'll be really distressing for your child knowing you choose to live full time with unrelated kids.

Therapy for you. ASAP. Before you pass the emotional harm that was done to you down the generations.

If it’s the word “dad” that is causing you anxiety, could also consider other names for the children to call you, eg Papa, Poppa, Da, Father, but your wife would need to be onboard as it’s how she refers to you that the kids will learn from. Tough for such young children who want to call you dad to be constantly told that they can’t because you aren’t…

I assumed the wife's kids are hers, as that's how he described them. Not 'we' or 'our'?

Thank you for responding.

No, her other kids do not see their own fathers.

My ex-wife and I do not need a court order, we live about 5 miles away from each other, get along great and I see my daughter regularly.

I agree that my 8 year old girl will be highly conscious of it. I was in the same situation as a child and know how often it bothered me. I reassure her regularly, see her often and play games online too. BUT, she no longer stays over because it's too overwhelming and she gets home sick.

This is also heartbreaking, I miss a lot of small things that are huge to me.

I understand why your partner's children are calling you daddy, because they're very young and you live with them, so to them that simply means daddy.
It's excellent that you're giving consideration to your 8 year old daughter's feelings. You need to have an open and honest conversation with her about this, as she is going to hear the 5 year old & 18 month old calling you daddy.
You also need to have an open conversation with your partner about this. She needs to be able to say whether she is comfortable with her kids calling you daddy or not. And you yourself need to be comfortable with it. If you're not, then you need to tell your partner.
I will add a couple of personal points;
My dad moved out of our family home and a year later moved in with a woman and her 2 children when I was 6. The 2 children were younger than me. Within a year they were calling him dad. But as far as I was concerned he wasn't their dad, he was my dad, and as it was them he was living with and not me, this resulted in me feeling incredibly rejected, as though he'd replaced me for them. He handled it terribly, never talked to me about it, I simply thought he'd left me for 2 new children. I wasn't old enough to understand. It directly led to a breakdown in our relationship and we eventually became NC by the time I was 14, once I was old enough to hurt and reject him back for what I saw as hurting and rejecting me.
Don't let that happen to your daughter. Talk to her. 8 year olds are clever and they understand a lot more than adults give them credit for!
Another point - I know a kid who has had 4 different 'dads' so far, because every time his mum breaks up with a partner and they move out, when the next one moves in he then becomes 'dad' too. Each partner lasts for 3 or 4 years living together do the child forms strong attachments but then has to do it all over again with the next relationship. I'm not judging the mum, I know her and thete have been genuine reasons for the break ups and each new partner is long term. But I can see that now, aged 12, its starting to impact negatively on that child's MH. So I'd say don't let those 2 children call you dad unless you know youre going to be there for them for the long haul.

Thank you, BrightHorizons24, Incredibly helpful.

I've had lots of conversations with my 8 year old, I didn't want to elaborate too much within the first post so thank you for mentioning this. I've always done my best to explain everything, not that it makes it any less difficult for her. Like yourself I had this as a child and also felt that unwanted confusion.

I've also always been honest with my wife and my ex about everything, I always have done. I'm also completely committed to the future of my family now. I've been there for everything.

Having a child call their stepfather "DAD" is not an unusual thing.. It's my emotional response that is the issue.

Well you sound like you're doing a great job.
You sound very thoughtful and it's evident how much you want to do your best for your daughter and your step children.
TBH, if you're communicating openly with everyone then you're doing well.
If the problem all boils down to you feeling triggered whenever your step children call you dad, then either agree with your wife on a different name that they can call you, and enforce it before they get any older, or alternatively them calling you dad is going to remain in place, perhaps you could access some therapy to address this. Though I think you should be prepared for it to open a lifetime's worth of suppressed emotions about your own childhood (I speak from experience). I say this gently, and with kindness and empathy.

or alternatively if them calling you dad is going to remain in place....