Hi, sorry, male obviously, but I need advice from women.
Relationship started like fairy tale, 1993, eyes met across crowded Uni hall, got together 6 weeks later, never left, instant perfect relationship, engaged 12 weeks later, never got married as just decided we didn't need it.
32 years later our 3 amazing kids 25, 24, 19, have their own lives and loves.
But, I've been ill, long term illness, for 20 years, managing to stay in work, but going from highly trained qualified nurse, to ending up on minimum wage working from home 15 hours per week, and over last 2 years went from full time, and independent, to needing a wheelchair to get out of the house, and my partner, is now my carer.
so i feel like poo, self esteem was never great, now non existent, hate my steroid bloated body, i cant look in the mirror without crying, i'm almost deaf.
so i see my partner and kids and their partners laughing, enjoying life, out and about, nights out trips away with friends, including my partner, and i cant leave house without someone to help me move my wheelchair.
So I started self medicating at night with whisky, but once I realised it was upsetting family, I stopped, and have been sober 8 weeks yesterday, and have started treatment etc.
But partner suddenly 4 weeks ago while helping me wash, talk about humiliating a vulnerable cripple, she out of the blue ended the relationship.
She says it's not the drinking, its me not helping with family, but i did as much as illness allowed.
She says I have a long way to go to get forgiven by family, and I need to take responsibility and accountability for the past.
But I don't know what she means, apart from the drinking, and the whole family drink, I was the only one who drank too much, but that was in the last year or so, following PTSD and being disabled suddenly.
I'm terrified there's something really bad in my past, but I cant think of anything.
I've never been in legal or professional trouble.
I've always been monogamous.
She says she wants us to stay together as friends, and as a family, and it was looking reasonable good for that, as once I'd gotten over initial heartbreak, I kind of wanted her to have found someone else because I wasnt good enough for her anymore, she works as a nurse, and she deserves a partner and a lover, not another patient when she gets home. But she said it;s not that. I'd noticed her looking depressed over last few years, and I worried she was fed up of me being ill but she always reassured me it wasnt anything to worry about.
But now I'm in trouble for asking kids for advice, for asking her what I need to do to get forgiveness.
Most of our friends are mutuals as we both moved to Bristol for Uni in 93, and worked in the same place, so I cant even talk to friends about it, because she had already discussed it, so they knew before I did.
I'm genuinely lost, I'm still in love with her, she's amazing and beautiful, but I know the relationship is over, and now I'm terrified, she said I might not be able to stay in the home if I keep getting upset. And of course, what will happen when she brings her new lover back, will I be the pet cripple in the back room?
I've spent hours doing samaritans, shout, 111 mental health, lots of things, I have even started having physical symptoms, I'm seeing cats run in and out the door, (frequent occurrence when I was hallucinating in ITU), tonight I heard my dad call my name, but in a specific tone he used when he was worried about us, thing is he's been dead 20 years or so.
All the sites and helplines talk about how to cut down drinking, or how to keep safe when the dad drinks, everything I read about break ups in long relationships usually comes down to the man having another woman, or getting bored.
Would a mother abruptly end a 32 year relationship with the father of her 3 children without even trying relationship or family therapy. She outright refused 4 weeks ago when breaking up, but has finally agreed to try it as long as I sort it out.
So, lovely mumsnet, any advice would be really gratefully received.