Do I have a leg to stand on?

[JL1997]

So,

the mother of my 18m old baby left me whist 5 months pregnant and got with another guy.

We have had a reasonably good co parent relationship.

Although she tried nearly every single way to get me back once I decided to see my current partner.

She even went as far stopping me have my baby over night. Unless I broke up with her.

having got past that, she’s still spent the next 8 month trying to woo me back in but as much as I would love my family back. I just don’t trust her.

now she’s started seeing a new guy she’s only known less than a month. And they want to take my baby abroad to Spain. I have simply asked if I could meet him before he takes my baby abroad to another country. It’s a simple request in my eyes. What sort of father would just let some random guy take his baby away.

she disagrees with me and won’t let the meet happen.

am I in the wrong?

please help!

If this man was going to hurt your baby in Spain, you meeting him first wouldn’t stop him.

I wouldn’t like to be in your position and it must feel very difficult to let your dd go, but she will be safe with her mum. There will be times in the future that you want to take your daughter on holiday and her mum will feel uncomfortable with it, but it will still be good for her to go.

That’s fair I couldn’t do nothing in Spain. It’s more respect for the father, and also what’s the harm in reinsuring me.

how did you know it was a baby girl?

It was just a guess.

While you do deserve respect as a father, that doesn’t extend to being able to control the other adults your ex chooses to have around her child. It works both ways, your ex doesn’t get to influence who you have around your child on your time with her either.

If you were at the stage of having a genuinely friendly and strong co parenting relationship, where both of you were properly over the relationship, then a meeting just to put your mind at rest would be no problem. I expect it’s not that simple though. What if you met him and didn’t like him? It would be opening a can of worms that your ex wants to avoid.

If you trust her to be a good mother, then that is enough. If you don’t think she is being a good mother, then you need to go to court.

Are you on the birth certificate?

Unfortunately, who she spends time with during her time is none of your business. It is presumed that she, as the babies parent, has the child's nest interests at heart and will safeguard them. Personally, as a mother I think her decision making is off. This man is a stranger to her. I wouldn't holiday with a man I've know for a month let alone introduce my kids to him. Do you see whour child often? Maybe you need to reconsider your contact arrangements.

good guess ahah

and that’s fair, It just one rule for her and one rule for me, and it’s been that way before she even gave birth.

she didn’t allow me to come to the birth ( as we weren’t intimate at the time) whilst I am on the birth certificate she didn’t allow my daughter to share my surname. She admits that she was “not herself” at the time and spent a good 6/7 months apologising.

I have forgiven her, but I haven’t forgotten how she acted. Ignorance isn’t the same as innocence. And that is why I can’t trust her anymore with how she feels about me.

it was only a month ago she was saying how much she loved me and how sorry she was for everything. Now someone has come her way all of a sudden she never said any of that. And the feelings aren’t there. It’s just proof that she doesn’t mean what she says about me.

anyway I’m not here to bad mouth her, it was purely wondering about her letting a man take my daughter away with even me knowing him.

but I kind of see where everyone is coming from.

deep down I do trust her selection in men, I know she would only go with a sensible person but still doesn’t sit right with me. I hardly think it’s a huge request to at least say hello to the fella that’s going to have my daughter in his care in another country

I have her 2 days a week, and that’s what I said, it’s way too soon. You don’t know nothing about this let alone introduce th kids to him and also go on holiday, I can’t help but feel like she’s trying to punish me because I didn’t want to get back with her after she left me during the most important time of my life. I was an emotional wreck for months and months and then when I finally got through she’s trying to make me revisit them feelings. And now she can’t get her way she’s being really unreasonable. I’m not asking a lot I’m really not I should have a right to at least say hello to someone who in care of my infant child

Yes I am, and also we’ve had our ups and downs but we’ve been good amicable co parents. I just don’t know who she is anymore and it’s scaring me for my child

Hmmm.

It was not unreasonable of her not to want someone who is not her partner at the birth. Giving birth is a very intimate and vulnerable thing, and she had every right to choose who she wanted there.

It's also not unreasonable of her not to give the baby your surname. You're not together, let alone married- the baby having a different name from her- the main carer- could cause all kinds of headaches and confusion along the line.

It's pretty unreasonable of her to take her baby on holiday with someone she's only known a month, but there's not a lot you can do about that.

The birth I agree, even though we were together 4 years, split for 4 months then all of sudden we’re not close enough for me to be at birth. Regardless of that I’ve respected her decision. And not mad about it.

the surname….fuming.

as she did it as a power move not for a reason that benefitted her as a parent. I couldn’t understand that.

however I’m grateful for everyone’s advice, I’ve opened my eyes to why I should just accept it. I don’t think it’s right. If there was no problems I don’t get why I couldn’t meet her partner as she’s met mine and got along with.

doesnt sit well with me, however again I guess as her non main carer I don’t really get a say in it.

I don't think she's unreasonable not having you at the birth. It's her medical procedure. She is entitled to pick who's there and what she feels most comfortable with. I certainly wouldn't pick an ex partner to be my birthing partner.

With the surname I absolutely understand why the baby has her surname. I wish I'd double barrelled ours and we are married. I don't think it's a power play at all. If I was unmarried I would have given the children my name without hesitation.

You don't have any right to insist on meeting her partners and there nothing you can do about who she introduces to your child or when. On her time it's her business. However, I can totally understand why your concerned about her introducing your child to a random after 1 month and going on holiday with them. That to me seems dangerous. Have you considered suggesting you take the week off work and look after the child so she can go alone and have child free time? That's what I'd do.

A power play?! Why on earth do you think the baby should have your surname?!

why does your surname trump hers? How ridiculous

I would tell my own DD not to give her DC even a long-term partner's surname (let alone an ex), if they weren't married. Your view on this alone, 'fuming,' speaks volumes to the vast majority of women I know.

Because that what we had discussed leading up to the birth, then even she said she made a mistake and regretted doing it and apologised.

I’ve since forgiven her, I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was “fuming”

I never said it was a god given right. It was discussed between us, not felt let down that’s all

no need to be so aggressive

Could part of your co-parenting agreement mean that you both agree a reasonable time in which you need to be with someone before introducing them to said new partner?

presumably you both have time off from your child so can see new acquaintances in your free time? I think 3 months would be a good thing?