Child Behaviour

[Father2020]

Hi everyone,

just hoping to get some advice as I’m struggling. My son is almost 5 and at school. Also goes to after school clubs 4 times a week until around 5pm as wife and I work full time.

lately I’ve been feeling really disconnected from my son. Almost like I dislike him which sounds messed up. I don’t want to play with him or speak to him and let my wife take over a lot of the care when he’s home.

This always happens due to incidents at school which sends me into deep depression. I’ll go to pick him up and the ladies who run the club say he has bitten, hit or spat at another child. When I’m told this I feel complete horror. Not sure if some parents are able to control themselves or perhaps be more adult about it, but I literally can’t bear to even look at him. I feel so ashamed and angry that he does it.

i know it is about emotional regulation and he is learning to express himself which I guess takes time and teaching, but he’s been doing this since he was at nursery. We go through the motions always. Trying to teach him to get a teacher or walk away if he is angry. It is not ok to hit, bite, spit etc. not allowing him some of his favourite things when he comes home.

he seems not to care. They’ll make him go inside the school and not allowed to play, but none of this seems to phase him and then he’ll just do it again.

not everyday but as i write it has been 2 days in a row.

im giving up! But im also sad that im almost abandoning him. I love him, but when he does this i struggle to. When we are all happy we play and have fun. Don’t know what to do. Please help or any advice would be great.

You need to step up the punishments. He's so used to getting away with it so why would he stop?

I don’t know how you can expect your child to learn to regulate his emotions when you can’t regulate your own. It’s crucial you work on regulating your own emotions, so you can guide better…
I think also your child may be acting up because he’s not getting the emotional connection he needs at home. Please work on that. Your child notices these changes in you and they don’t understand it, and it will have an impact on them and probably already is.
Having connection shouldn’t be conditional to when he is being good only. He also needs connection when he’s been bad, calm conversation to try understand what’s going on with him. Once it’s established what’s set him off that day, provide some calm guidance on something he can do next time that will result in a better outcome.
Its not too late to turn this around. Your child needs his dad and it’s bloody tough at times, I know this. But you gotta take ownership on what you can do different, to help your boy behave differently…
The good thing is you’re very self aware, that’s great. That means it’s absolutely possible for you to make the changes needed too, for the sake of family harmony. Good luck 🤞

I came to say exactly what PP said. You clearly can't regulate your own emotions or behaviour, you're disconnecting from your child and leaving the care to the mother, and yet you demand good behaviour and emotional regulation from a 5 year old?? Can't you see the irony?

If this is difficult for you, how hard it will be for a child?? And even worse, for a child without a good example at home?

You seem to have compassion for your own failings, but not so much for your child's.

Hi OP. My DS went through a hitting / pushing phase when he was younger, so I do understand your feelings of shame and frustration. But this is one of the challenges of parenting, and you need to rise up to it, not abdicate responsibility. Support your son. That means playing with him and caring for him as well as working with him and the school to address this behaviour. Can you arrange for a meeting with his teacher and ask for advice, so that you and the school are sending consistent messages? Unfortunately parenting doesn't mean just saying something once and our children will magically do it. It may take a few months for the message to get through and take effect, but it will be worth it in the long run. My DS is now a lovely well-behaved teenager. Yours can get there too - but not if you give up on him.

Thanks to you all so far. Absolutely I very much struggle to manage my emotions and understand what you are saying, if I can’t regulate my own self and I am being frustrated with my child when he hits, bites and spits, how can I possibly expect him to be better than me. What you are saying is I must be an example to him?

can I ask if any of you get angry with your child for their behaviour, what do you do to show calmness and not get angry or shout/punish them? How do you act or what do you say?

I don't always stay calm, I try to teach my kids that every emotion is ok. We can feel whatever we feel, but we have to control how we react. Some reactions are acceptable (crying, for example, or withdrawing to calm down) and some are not (shouting, hitting others, breaking things, etc). And then I follow suit, if I react in a "wrong" way I own it and I apologise.

Your kid is very young. You can say things like "I'm angry now. I love you but I'm angry and don't want to talk to you. Give me 5 minutes to calm down and I'll talk to you." Make it very clear that you still love him even when you're angry. And that the anger will pass.

With my DS, when he hit or pushed another child, I would give him one warning and then take him straight home. This was really effective, but it sounds like your son is mainly doing it when he's at after school club rather than under your care? It's harder when you're not there to react immediately. Getting cross with him later won't be as effective. Is it just at after school club, not at school itself or at home? If so maybe this isn't a very positive environment for him. Could you look into other options for after school childcare, eg finding a childminder who can pick him up from school?

It’s more than that. You need to actively teach him how to deal with his emotions in a positive way.

At the moment younhave higher expectations of a child than you do of yourself and then you’re punishing him by pushing him away for not meeting these high expectations.

It’s fine to show them your angry and upset but in a controlled way. Have an extra strong mint, take a deep breath and tell them once how disappointed you are with his behaviour. Then get on with being a present parent.