How can I help my partner?

[WhatDoIDo876]

Posting as a mum to one and one on the way. I need advice from dads.

My partner says he has no motivation to do things on the weekend. He spent majority of Sunday in bed and Saturday he was super miserable.

I have made all of his doctor appointments from the initial call to get him some support, through to upping his dose.

I try to talk to him, and ask questions to get to why he is feeling as he is. He gets annoyed and tells me not to question him.

I arranged some activities for his birthday. With his friends, I messaged them to organise. He said to cancel it. He said he appreciates it but doesn’t want me to contact friends to organise.

He said we spend too much time together. I said I would have our little girl on the weekends so he can explore some hobbies. I’m more than happy to do this. But he just has no motivation to do it.

I don’t know if it’s me making him sad. He says that my mood affects him, but he is affecting me. I’m trying my best. I’m pregnant with our second and it’s taking its toll on me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Is he depressed then? Sounds like he’s not happy. Maybe stop trying to force him to do things (as he would see it). What does he mean by your mood - are you negative or hormonal or is he using that as an excuse?

He says that I’m negative when he gets home from work. Usually cos I’m overstimulated.. I do try not to be that way, but it’s just parenting I find difficult sometimes.

I won’t be arranging anything going forward

Also, not diagnosed with depression, but doctors put him on the tablets for low mood

It’s his responsibility to deal with his condition by taking his meds and trying to get better. But difficult to know how bad he is, was it just last weekend or is he always like that?

He’s been more like it recently from stress at work. But he has had periods where he gets down like this

I am afraid he is clearly depressed. Helping someone in that situation is very difficult. They can’t just snap out of it and be happy. They need to recognise it themselves first and want the help he has clearly been resistant to this far. Maybe some questions about how he is feeling, does he want to do things and be out more. Easier said than done but he needs professional help, medication, counselling / CBT.

Hello WhatDoIDo876, I am glad you have reached out for help, It is hard to do in relationships, especially when you are not sure what to do. In relations to AdeptPeachSquid comment "they" all the time this is wrong. It is a team thing and should be "we". We need to work this out to gether, we need to support each other, we need neeed to solve the issue or concern.

Now as a bloke and fellow dad who has been through this him self I think mums tend to forget the pressures that we as dads have, especially in todays society, when there have been higher exspectations compaired to the old times. It the old days men just worked all hours god send, gave all of the money to the wife to pay the bills and then maybe had a little pocket money and then not ask much but to see smily face from the wife and kids. Now a days it work all hours god send, give the moeny to wife, pay the bills, then help with the house work, help with the kids the pick ups taking to clubs etc listening to all of the womens worrys however rembering not to say anything back because what ever you say is wrong evern if its a posstive comment. and you learn the old frase your dammed if you do and your dammed if you dont.

So here is what I think you need to ask

Firstly how is the sex in your realtionship? lack of it can cause men to withdraw. Due to the lack of it and been rejected all the time as he will start to think what is wrong with me ? I am a fat ? do i not help out enough with the kids or is it that no matter what I do there is no reward. Just beacuse your pregnenet dosnt mean that sex is off the table. Reward your husband evern its a BJ or dressing up ever now and again and have a date night aware from the kids.

Second regognise when he has done something in the house, use the words "thankyou" and "I apreshate you". It helps him to feel more apreahsted. . Maybe make a plan together to clean the house and chors that is fair for each of you. This can help the realationship to be a team effort.

Third body shape , Just as women look in the mirror and says OOOOO I dont like my ass or I dont like boobs and looks a magazien of hot 18-22 year old models and compairing them selfs. Men do this as well. Where as women chat about it openly, men do not. Not to you as it makes them feel week and not to others as he may worrry that people may think he is gay. So what can you do as a partner. Gyms is a great tool to help him feel better. Gyms help create a routeen (which men really like) and a place of saftey. Inshally I went there to loose my wieght as I though that was the problem in our relationship that I was over weight and that my partner didnt feel atracted to me. Didnt tell her this beacuse I was worried about been critsied by her and others. However after been there for 6 months going 3 times a week. I find it has done something to me that i felt it wouldnt do. It has made me more stronger with in my self, I havent lost much wieght but I feel I more able to do things around the house, when my kids say can we do something at the weakend I have the energy to do something about it. I have a lot more better quality of life now.

Forth thing and final is work, you have heard of the term happy wife happy life. I am more working towards happy work happy life. I used to be in a high payed role that yes paid well. However, what it also did was caused me unsessary stress, been called in every weakend to cover sickness and my kids would hardly see me. Did it make me feel guilty, yes it dam well did but I thought I carnt change this. Why? because I have to provide, I want my kids to be able to have the best. Also I felt with in work wise I was essential that with out me the place would not run. Then on one fine day work went bye bye. Thanks for all your done but bye bye. Then I got another jobs , same role though. I started to feel valuble again. Then again bye bye. I learnt then finally that with work you are just a number and relearnt my proritise. That work is just a Job nothing more nothing less. I got a job and it was less paid. However less stress, less hours, less worry . This ment I had more free time to spend with the family, to go to the gym and most importantly to have time for my self and my welbeing. So may be talk about changing jobs,

So I hope this helps.

Just to comment on your comment on my comment….!… you are right it has to be tackled together but my point is that if they don’t see it or want to sort it then it is not something OP alone can resolve. It needs the other persons buy in and commitment to getting better. That’s has been my experience with depression but everyone is different.

My other half suffers from depression and anxiety, so I understand how difficult it can be.

Is there anyone else he can speak to about how he is feeling? A good friend he could go for a couple of pints with to talk to? He might find it easier to open up to someone else. The motivation to change / recover really has to come from him and he needs to realise this. It might take him time to get to that point.

It would be good for him to also have a regular thing he does each week, where he could go and switch off. Is he interested in cycling, running or any other sport that he could be encouraged to join a club or class?

@flipflop258 why would a man need thanking for doing a household chore in his own home, and 'rewarding' with sex?

Don't know about the rewarding part (I think you misread the message), but 'thank you' would be common courtesy. Manners and all that (I know, old fashioned... but I'm old). Other half and I always say it - even if others might judge it pointless - and it's part of the glue that has kept us together and in love for decades. It's an acknowledgement of something done, and not taking the other for granted.

In this particular situation I think that anything to reduce the depression/low mood is a good thing.

Obviously not sure where you live, but there are some very good men's mental health peer support groups all across the UK now. I ran one for some time and it really helped blokes to just have somewhere to chat things over, with other blokes.

I've been where he is now, and I had to get to a time when I really knew that I had to talk to someone. A trip to the GP, time off work and counselling did wonders for me, and our relationship here.

Very much aware that you will be concentrating on him, but also please consider what you need too. Dealing with me was hard for my wife. I went more and more quiet over a long time, and I know she found it tough.

I believe that many NHS areas give access to free talk therapy. Sitting with a counsellor was the one thing I recommend to people, although it took me a long time to get to that point, both for him and you?

It's lovely that you're reaching out for advice and hope things improve for you both.