Failed so soon

[HeartyUser]

Im a first time dad, early 30s. It was an unplanned pregnancy. Stressful accommodation hunt. Many stresses. She left me and moved to her parents with our baby, aged just 3 months. I was legally blocked from seeing them for 3 months even though i tried my best. Court in two weeks. I've felt suicidal. I don't know how i could live as an absent father. It pains me so much to know how disdained i am. I could move on and not acknowledge my chold,but that would crush my self respect. Its like death is the best choice.

Hi that sounds very difficult for you, is there anyone you can talk to? Or call the Samaritans

I am getting help gradually. I've been extremely isolated. I moved to a rural area to live with her and never made friends there. I sacrificed far too much of myself for her. She had the arrogance to say i isolated her.

Ive other problems too such as a tumour and i was just totally unprepared to do everything she expected on top of holding down a job.

I'm gutted i lost my baby.

How widespread is it for men to completely breakdown like this?

Can there be any redemption?

It’s incredibly stressful when you are in an acrimonious position with your ex. And I’ve been to court and the pressure is immense. The way to get through it is be truthful, factual, don’t blame, identify where you have failed and come up with solutions. And above all reason that the court will make a judgement for the best interest of the child. And that is what you should want.

if you have not been violent, aggressive, abusive. Then the court will more than likely give you some form of access. Don’t push too hard, your child is very young and needs his/her mother. But in the same reasoning it’s important for the child if you are safe to have a close bond with you too.

Before this though and I should have mention it first you need to address your suicidal thoughts. That isn’t safe for you or a child. Ring a GP, talk to someone, it’s true when they say that a problem shared is a problem halved. Someone close to you might be able to give you some great advice. It may seem hopeless now, but there is always a solution. You haven’t failed you are just in an incredibly difficult situation. You have the power to get out of it.

You need to seek help for your mental health. Please don't put it off.

I am getting help. I wish i went to therapy during the pregnancy. I went once while on paternity leave, but couldn't commit to the 6 sessions due to my tumour surgery and a new job and another commitment. I felt i was too busy. And now the damage is done.

I don't think it's unusual for men to be shocked by the demands of raising a child. It happens to some women too. Basically it means putting another human being first all the time, no matter how exhausted you are.

For a relationship to survive having a child, it needs to be rock solid, so it is no surprise that many relationships fail. You aren't the only one so stop beating yourself up.

The past is the past so all you can do is look forward. You haven't lost your baby, but you need to be realistic about what you can cope with. I guess you work 40 hours a week in a job and she looks after little one for those 40 hours. Then there are the remaining 128 hours in the week, which you both need to work out how you will share/cover between you.

While very small, you will need to travel to her to see your baby. Can you travel there, maybe two weekday evenings a week to do 'bath & bed' and a few hours at the weekend.

Let your ex teach you how to care for your little one, if she is willing. it is a skill you need to learn before you can care for your child on your own. It isn't easy so take your time. With parenting, routine is good. Aim for a routine that you stick to, and everyone knows what to expect.

As long as your little one knows you love them, and are there for them, this is just a minor hiccup, You can still be a great dad. xx

Ive been working 40 hours, mostly from home but with weekly 6 hour round trip to office. On top of that i was working around 20 hours per week on a bit of a side hustle which I'd hoped to have finished before the birth. I was pressured by her to buy a house so money was important. And finishing this passion project which ive worked on for years was important too. I did vast majority of the cooking. I wish i did more childcare but I've only got two hands. I wish i sought help earlier. Can't do antidepressants as they inflamed my tumour. I hope this will be seen as just a blip. Extreme circumstances call for extreme forgiveness.

was legally blocked from seeing them for 3 months

Non Molestation Order?

Yes, what legal instrument kept you from the baby for three months? Why did the mother of the baby move in with her parents?

She moved because I've had severe low mood at times.
A week or so after she moved we argued on the phone which led to her seeking a Temporary protection order. Against ex and dependents. Im in ROI. The court date will decide whether to scrap that order or extend it. I've arranged for Access to also be dealt with.

Gosh how unfortunate. A restraining order for an argument over the phone. You're very unlucky but you can see how it looks.

Moving to an isolated area
Pregnant girlfriend - most likely time for abuse to start
She flees to her parents and gets a restraining order
You're suicidal/ill - manipulating her to drop the case

Yeah it doesn't look good. In fairness we moved to this small town on her idea. Its 45 minutes from her parents. She wouldn't consider anywhere too far from her home patch and placed unrealistic demands on the mortgage. She wouldnt consider rentals. Finally we ended up renting in shared accommodation which led to issues too. People coming and going when they want when a baby is coming / has come...

A lot of the resources online for new dads with depression show the man alongside the woman, both all smiles, problem sorted. I do not see that happening. The depression and the separation are happening at once. If I'm all smiles it will be on my own, and i will feel guilt and shame for that.

I think maybe i get my tumour out in summer (serious op) i might get re accepted.

You’ve had some great advice on here about looking after your own physical and mental health and taking small steps towards establishing a relationship (once this is permitted). If social services are involved they may well have helpful suggestions, make sure you cooperate with them and with the court. Good luck.