How to strike a balance - need advice

[Vegeeta]

Hello Mums and Dads!

Our DD is nearly 3 months now and although things have settled down a lot, I still have one niggle regarding things.

Currently my DW is off work until Sept and as I'm still working, she does the night feeds Sun-Thurs nights. Although shes very discrete at feeding DD, I still get woken up at least once thru the night.

The way things currently work is, I will leave for work at 7.30am and get back home for about 6ish. Ususally I work long days tbh, normally 10 hours or more Mon-Fri.
I know how hard it can be looking after a baby on your own and I always try to take over looking after the baby when I get home so she can have a rest.

I normally cook dinner too as she is normally exhausted. Fri night thru Sunday I try to look after the baby for pretty much the whole time so DW can "recharge" for the week.

My question is this: Will I ever get to have a rest myself? As it goes I have to try to steal a few mins here and there to check my emails etc lol ;-)

Is this normal and will I ever get to chill out again?

Wow, sounds like you are doing a lot to help care for your child, good on you, my DH could have taken note as he was ever this thoughtful. Anyway, this is all about getting used to your new baby and adjusting your life. As your baby grows they start to sleep through (hopefully!!) which helps a lot. Your wife will hopefully feel less tired and you can sort out a routine for having a lie in, cooking dinner etc.

For now just go with the flow and keep helping out. You will probably start to get into some sort of a routine and find time to chill. I used to do this when DC's were napping in the day or amusing themselves in view when a little older.

Good luck and congratulations!

Hehe thanks sweetcat, DD is a wonder to me. What I didn't get across in my first post is that I cherish my daughter and don't think I can do enough for her. I wasn't complaining, I'm grateful she is here as I didn't think we would ever have a baby ;-)

I think you should go with the flow as sweetcat says but I think you should be wary of being overly helpful, i have a couple of friends who have really helpful husbands (great) however they've taken advantage of the situation and their DH's do so much as well as work all week. Your wife has to learn to cope on her own without as much help from you. Note: I am under no circumstances telling you to stop helping, just perhaps vary things. Don't always make tea, arrange to get out and about for a couple of hours at a weekend when you say you should have baby, the same for your wife, get her to go out for a while when she's meant to be looking after baby. She is very lucky to have you. With DD1, DH went back to work the day I came out of hospital (new job) and that was it, no experience, no family and no close friends to help out. You learn to adjust.

If I give you dh's number, will you call him and give him some tips.

Things will get better! Much better!!! One day and it won't be long, you will get home from work and your dd will scream "Dada!" and run to the door, and you will have so much fun playing with her. My DH did loads to help me in the first 6 months or so and I don't know how I could have done it without him; the help you are giving your wife may well prevent depression, exhaustion etc. Keep up the good work and eventually you will all be more rested and in an easier routine.

I can hardly believe your post but then I always worked full time and we both expected with 3 childrenunder 4 to be woken every night. My brother didn't get one hour's sleep in 3 or 4 years with his and he's an NHS consultant.

I think once she's back working (I found it better once I was back at full time work) then you can both get a more normal balanced life and share the child 50/50. I did do the breastfeeding and then we had a deal which I recommend to you - I did the night feeds whilst they fed which was about up to 12 mnothsand then their father got up in the night 100% of the time for the 2 - 3 years after that. None of our children slept very well so we had night waking for all 5 from about age 0 - 3 or 4 regularly. I think that's a fair deal. If possible on the nights you are not helping you could may be sleep in another room. In fact with the twins at first I moved into their room to a double bed in there so we both weren't disturbed as I was feeding them both myself and then once they stopped feeding their father did 100% of the nights

A friend of mine had a joker card that he caould call on once a week that allowed him to sleep in the other room that let him get a good nights sleep.
As the other posters said it does get better with time, the babies generally start to sleep longer the older they get. Then you will have another and the sleep deprivation will start all over again!

Message withdrawn

It will get easier yes - it will get a lot easier, honestly

Is there any way DW can breastfeed without waking you? I always made sure I didn't wake DH after the early weeks (before the stage that you are at now) - I didn't see the point of us both being up.

Doh, I forgot to mention, my poor wifey couldnt breastfeed as the baby just couldnt latch on, so we have been bottle feeding her first on expressed milk, and now on formula so I have no escape lol ;-)

In that case you should do alernate nights once you're both working again to make it fair I think. My father by the way worked full time as a doctor including nights on call and yet did all the night feeds by bottles in the 1960s.

(My brother's not one hour's sleep should have read one night's)

1. It's lovely to see new male posters round here! You, and a couple of others recently have been jolly welcolme.

and

1. Well, the demands will vary as dd grows. The interrupted sleep and stuff will become part of your diurnal round, and will be replaced, at other times, by other demands. The feelings of tiredness/lack of focus/missing doing things that seemed so important not so long ago will wither away as the ultimate importance of seeing to the demands of your little cherished one will be the MAIN pre-occupation of yours and your DW.

Best wishes to you, and yours.

Veg I'm in much the same boat as you except my 2 DDs are 3 and 9mo. Believe me it does get easier and the pleasure of reaping the rewards for all the work you put in now cannot be measured. My DD1 is always overjoyed to see me when I get home and we have such a good laugh. DD2 sits at the table whilst I or DW shovels food into her gob shoputing at me and laughing.

Yes, I'm knackered. Yes, I have real difficulty finding time to go for a haircut or to replace my worn-out-at-the-left-knee trousers (every f*cking pair!!!!). But I really wouldn't have it any other way.

Incidentally DW is a journalist on a morning radio programme so she usually works until midnight 2 nights a week. Collecting from Nursery, feeding, bathing and putting to bed two tired girls is a killer. Single parents all deserve medals.

You have to sit this bit out (it is the hardest part) and put your life on hold for the meantime - but just remember to get it back as soon as you can.

I think it is vitally important for a couple to get their own lives back as soon as possible.

For your own sanity you have to ensure you spend some quality time with just your wife and you also get to spend some quailty time doing your own individual things too.

Remember that the love you have for your children is unconditional and will never change, but your relationship with your partner is conditional and needs attention and its own space. This is the bit that is hard to reconcile at first. Some people never get this part back and after a while it changes the dynamics of the relationship too much and causes problems.

If Mum and Dad are happy with each other and as a loving, romantic and independant partnership alongside your responsibilities as a parent - then the whole family will be happy.

Sounds like you have the right balance in mind - you are aware of your part to play in your new family, but are also looking to the future to when you can get your own space back and also that of your partnership.

I'm sure you will be fine!